what/who am i?

I have never been more confused in my life. I'm sick of living my life as a lie, but I cannot identify where the lie has actually seeded. All I know is that I am not happy where I am, but even that has been fuddled. Everything feels like shrapnel.

I am a woman, that much I know. The first boy I ever had a senseless crush on was my neighbor, a teenager at the time while I was around 7 years old. Anytime I saw him I got butterflies and tried anything to get his attention. One afternoon he molested me and threatened me not to tell and I didn't till I was a junior in high school. It left me void of emotion, never being able to become emotionally or physically close to anyone.

I honestly never "liked" another person since, that is, until my junior year of college. I didn't know that I could feel that way, that I could want someone so bad and I never suspected my desire would be for another woman. The moment I saw her I knew that the burning in my chest was something I had never felt before. Nothing seemed wrong in it. She was the only person in the world and I had never even spoken to her. I never did.

I've spent my whole life in an extremely conservative, religiously dominated state so confronting my confused sexuality doesn't even seem like an option. Addressing my family seems even more farfetched. I don't know if I'm gay, or bisexual. I have literally only had intense feelings for one person in my life - a single, solitary woman. It doesn't seem like that's enough to base an entire identity off of and I'm afraid I will never feel that again.

Of course people have caught my eye in the past (both male and female), but never have I felt something that has set my heart on fire like she did. I feel like I'm still attracted to men, but I'm worried it is because it is what society expects out of me and not because I truly desire them.

What do I do? What am I? Who am I?