I can't say with utter confidence what my sexuality is. About 4 times this past year I've thought I might be a lesbian, this being the 4th time - and this time it seems pretty clear that I am. Yet, up until that time I really only noticed guys. Sure, it wasn't like I'd get a bit turned on with every guy I was around, but it'd be that way where I'd think a couple of guys were cute and crush on one every so often (I've probably only had 1 long-term crush on a guy in my life, perhaps 2). The past 4 months I've had very bad anxiety, stress and some depression (it's actually probably started over a year ago), and while some of it was down to my old relationship (with a guy), in the past few months it's also centred round my sexual orientation. I've been to counselling for general low mood etc, and being gay was a biggish topic. Yet, when my counsellor suggested I might not actually be gay since a lot of my distress was coming from things I couldn't do anymore - heterosexual romance, not being like most people, not having a boyfriend - she thought I was perhaps not allowing myself to have the things that made me happy. That made sense to me and I agreed with her on that, and I was really happy realising I was straight - I'd always been, or at least thought I'd been; all my romantic fantasies were of men. I'd even forgotten that I've had sexual fantasies of men too, and getting to relive those was great! Yet, each time I re-evaluate my sexual orientation, my perceptions on my past feelings change. I know I need to focus on how I feel now, and right now it's saying gay. I still feel like I'm a heteroromantic though. Perhaps I'm bisexual heteroromantic, or have just been swept up in a dream of what I wanted to be. I'm trying to determine what I am through fantasies, remembering what I used to be like (which is something I've found difficult during this long spell of anxiety) and experiences in real life - but they're all mixed! Sometimes watching sexy movies I find the girl attractive, and other times I imagine being the girl and having a penis in me (yet I'm still kinda picky about the guys...); when I'm out with friends I can think my male friends are attractive (not always to the point where I want to go out with them though), and other times they're a turn-off/thinking of going out with them scares me, and I prefer my female friends; and when I masturbate I can switch from finding the women a turn-on and the men a turn-off to wanting a man inside me and no women there! I think I get closer to orgasm when thinking of having sex with a man rather than with a woman or thinking of women. I know sexuality is a spectrum, but God, it's really hard to work out what I am. I'll be honest, I think I'd prefer to be straight, but with the way things are going I don't think I'm always all that comfortable around guys. Plus, I don't really like feeling certain ways around women, but at the same time I do like it, ya know? Maybe I am gay and just need to adjust, or am bisexual and need to accept that I can switch... but despite feeling this recently, I don't think I'm just a "confused heterosexual" - maybe I still hope I am because I don't want to lose the way I used to see life, or because I'll find adjustment to going out with women hard, or I'm too attached to the idea of heteroromanticism. It's just... I still feel like I want a penis in my life sometimes, but sometimes men scare the shit out of me. I know I might be going through a gay/bi phase, or am bicurious, but I don't want to dismiss everything, that's not going to help. I've tried convincing myself I'm gay and other times that I'm straight. Bleuch, this is confusing. Any thoughts?
My first question would be, when you see a man..how do you feel sexually? Like, a really HOT guy..how does that make you feel? Same with a woman..do you have sexual thoughts, urges..etc. By the way, I am in a similar situation. I posted as well.
I think if I were to see a really hot guy, I'd get a bit giggly but not necessarily turned on or want to go up and touch him or anything. With a hot girl, I'd feel uncomfortable but it does seem like I'd be holding back something. With men I'm more attracted to the idea of him being friendly and cuddly, but with girls I see myself being more sexually attracted but with an emotional barrier a bit. At least, with the hotter ones. I always hoped I'd meet a guy with whom I'd enjoy being romantic with, but - maybe this is just from experience - it annoys me, and it seems like I'd prefer the romance of a woman. I've had a girl crush recently but it went away, maybe because I've tried talking myself out of it or was uncomfortable of having feelings for a girl, even though sometimes they were really nice. When I thought I was straight I thought it was either a girl crush that straight girls can get, or platonic love. There are some sexual things I'd rather have done with men than women and vice versa, but when I think I'm gay I can't really remember how awesome (and, to some extent, natural) I think some things with a guy would be. ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 12:48 AM ---------- Another thing: I was watching a video a few weeks ago of Angus Young back in the '70s and when he had his shirt off... I kinda liked it. I guess when the same thing happens with women I'm uncomfortable for the reasons above.
When you say holding back..were your raised conservative? If being bisexual or gay were as normal as being straight..would that make a difference? Have you had any sexual experiences with a woman?
As in, I'd be uncomfortable acting on it because I've hoped I'm straight, or the way in which I've viewed romance has been male-orientated so I'd be too stubborn to try something with a woman. I think it makes me feel less feminine, too. I've had no sexual experiences with a woman, however I feel I want to a) to see if I definitely am attracted to women that way, or am bi and would have a preference for men; b) even when I thought I was straight recently, I thought I'd still want to experiment with a woman and not freak out about it, just put things in perspective.
To be honest..so far it seems as though you are afraid of "what lies beneath". It seems to be holding you back. I think you definitely should try it..even if you have to drink a bit before hand.
Yeah, it's just... one of my values was to have sex with someone I was in love with. I always hoped my first time would be special, ya know? Also, if I go and do it with someone of either sex that I'm not in love with, there's the possibility that it would affect my views negatively... or positively. I suppose I could just try kissing a girl.
I have. Sometimes I'm into it, other times I've awkward (I guess because I react in a way), but the porn I've seen is mostly heterosexual, and I've ranged from finding the women attractive and the men ugly and a turn-off to wanting to sleep with a guy and being put off by the women, and instead imagining myself as the woman.
