Insanity reigns

fackit · Aug 27, 2013

Here is my story.
I am 21 years old.
During the 1st 20 years of my life all my porn viewings and my sex fantasies were straight. When I was 11 I got off to some soft straight porn for the 1st time just by looking at the girl's body. When I was 12 I remember seeing a topless woman in the beach and getting an erection. I also remember jizzing on my pants after pushing my penis on a girl's butt. When I was 16 I collected playboys.. and in general I always thought that I would turn into an ultimate straight ladies man, if that makes any sense. When I was 17 high speed internet came into my life with more porn, and I noticed that the taboo elements in some of the straight porn gave me better erections. Soon I got into incest porn, cuckold, interracial,and other forbidden genres (not gay or transsexual). I also loved reading sex stories. During those years I remember seeing some gay porn and I dont remember getting aroused.

When I got to 18. I had my 1st girlfriend. She wasnt the hottest girl on the world, but I felt attracted to her personality. I fell in love.. ( if love aka emotional connection exists which is another matter for discussion) Anyway whenever we made out it felt great and some days I even jizzed on my pants. LOL. I remember the day I fingered her and how amazing it felt. We were both virgins and one day we decided to have sex. I tried to get inside her and I couldnt, and then I lost my erection. I made a big deal out of me losing it - my ego got hurt, we fought and she broke up with me.
Anyway I was inexperienced, I was overstimulated, I was anxious so fuck it, a lot of reasons might had lead to this.

Two more years passed with a lot of porn use, and me watching even more extreme genres (not gay or transexual). I also hanged out with some crazy straight dudes who loved to show off their cocks, and I dont remember having any desire to suck them off or anything like that. However one day while I was watching straight porn, an intrusive thought came into my head, "what if I am attracted to the dick ?" "Fuck it I said, I ll watch some lesbian porn" . Lesbian porn got me off pretty well and girls solo too... but sometimes I still wanted my fetishes to get fully off.

So six months ago, I found a new gf. The 1st date with her was pretty good, I got hard while kissing her and shit, and then I got home at night. During that night I saw a gay dream where a friend of mine was blowing me and I freaked out, and had a panic attack in the morning. i had loads of wet straight dreams in the past and this was the 1st gay one. For 2 days it hit me like thunder, I had a tremendous headache and felt like shit. Being into psychology and Freud, I got scared that maybe subconciously I had my homosexuality repressed all those years. The thing eventually faded, I got off to a girl solo...and 5 days later got back to my new gf. Note : i also had some straight dreams where a girl was cutting of my dick.

The 1st time at my new gf's place, she was on her period, we made out for hours but didnt have sex. Foreplay made me jizz on my pants again, and the intrusive gay thoughts eventually got away and I felt good again.

The next time she tried giving me a blowjob, and I lost my erection. I dont know why ... was it because I was anxious, was it because of the porn use and that my penis got more used to my hand, was it because I am subconciously gay. I am still not sure.

Three days later, I finally managed to have sex with her, my penis was like 70% hard and the condom wasnt helping much neither... and while I was fucking her, she wasnt moaning and I still didnt feel any extrordinary sensation. So I am going in and out and suddenly I have this dialogue inside my head.
- Why isnt she moaning
- Is it because I am not hard enough ?
- What if I am not hard enough, because I am gay...

Long story, short sex my 1st time sex was horrible and after a while she broke up with me.

So in the last 4 months I decided to try and understand my sexual orientation. Understand what the hell is wrong with me. Some psychologist said that whatever gender you fantasize about when you fap, thats your sexual orientation.

The truth is that I did fantasize about gay sex twice during the last 4 months and got a really stiff erection, and I dont know if I got so hard because those fantasies are forbidden or because this was my true sexuality. I also had a bunch of straight fantasies which got me off well. So I figured fuck fantasies, lets go to porn. After all the images are supposed to send a signal to the brain and cause your dick to get hard. Whatever.

I started by googling pictures of hot men and women.
Funny thing, neither were arousing. I dont know if it is becuse I have been desensetized of the porn use, or maybe my denial blocked my attraction. I dont know.
So I exposed myself to my fear - gay porn. Never really got any arousal. I am not sure if this is because I am not gay, or if it was because I have some mental block denial.
Straight and Lesbian porn did work, but not great. I get off, but with 60-70% hardness.

And while lesbians still get me off, sometimes I needed a guy in my straight porn which confuses me even more.

There was another incident which confused me even more, there was this old ugly gay guy who came to my university, and so I look at the dude and I got a random boner. I dont know if it was because of my fear of being attracted to him or If I was really attrated to him lol.

I also searched in depth the subject of HOCD, which I know that most of you consider as bullshit. And I understand why. There are loads of closeted guys hiding behind it. The truth however is that I do have some OCD symptoms, besides the sexual orientation search thing. One day a girl mocked my appearance, so I got depressed for 3 weeks and I kept looking in the mirror to see whats wrong with my face, eventually a girl hit on me, and this retarded obssession passed. I also sometimes triple check the locks or the kitchen, so I am not sure if I have it or not.

Damn, I have spent many hours watching porn, checking my dick, trying to fantasize and fuck I cant keep doing this any more. My sex drive is dying. I dont know anymore.
Am I bisexual with paraphiliac fetishes, am I repressed gay, am I just straight with porn addiction, am I asexual, am I a lesbian in a man's body..LOL

I keep repeating the same story I am telling you evry day for the last moth in my head, nothing makes sense any more. I decided to give up porn and go with the flow....It would be great to see a therapist but I cant afford shit.

I hope some of you will have some legit diagnosis.. and I also have some questions..

1) Do you people buy this porn induced ED ?
(I gave up porn for like 10 days, and got off to a girl solo quite easily, but got back to my fetishes before I knew it)

2) Can denial manifest into not making you aroused by looking at gay porn ?

3) Can gay men enjoy foreplay with a girl so much that it will make themejaculate ?

fackit · Sep 12, 2013

Today I got off to lesbian porn and girls riding a dildo.
I also watched gay porn and I wasnt aroused... the thing is that without physical stimulation I cant get hard at all even when I watch girls solo and lesbian porn.
Sometimes I also noticed that I can find a guy's ass somewhat attractive. I am not sure yet.
I dont know if its the porn or some kind of deep deep deep denial...but the fact that I cant have a clear answer and I am probably somewhere in the spectrum is killing me.

I know my text is big, but if someone has any help to offer I would appreciate it.

sam the man · Sep 12, 2013

Ok dude, I'm kind of in the same boat as you... don't think I'm in the best position to help, because I'm kinda confused myself, but I'll try.

I went through the whole porn progression thing. I got to gay porn faster though (I find BDSM, cuckold etc. a little too weird). Yeah, it can be an indicator of sexuality, but after reading some of the posts from guys here on EC, across the web, and looking at myself, I'd say it's not the strongest indicator. If you are getting aroused by it, well I think most guys can get off to pretty much anything where sexy stuff is going on :icon_bigg . Also consider that it might not be the actual guys that turn you on- I watch gay porn and I can get off to it strongly, but I can't be sure if it's the guys or the general kinkiness- lots of guys have this kind of kink. But, you said you don't get aroused by it much, which tbh is typical behaviour of a straight guy. Don't stress that one.

The reason I think your sex drive has plummeted is because of what's inside your head. A little like depression can be a real boner-killer, I reckon feeling this divided/unclear about yourself can also have a massive impact. It's like a mini-identity crisis. The first time, I genuinely think it could've been performance anxiety, and because of that your idea of your sexuality got fuzzed up, and because of that you can't think of just sex anymore, you have to also think about your sexuality. Which messes your sex drive up big time. At least that's kinda what's happened and is still happening to me, the fact I got confused has made it harder for me to get aroused since I now have a tendency to think about it way too much. I think you and I both need to let that mentality go and just let our attractions announce themselves!

On the whole, I'd say you're straight. Maybe not 100% since you've had a few gay fantasies, but yeah, I think based on the fact you always felt straight up until 18, don't get aroused by gay porn and don't have a problem with straight, and your fantasies are predominantly straight, you seem straight. But who knows, there could be some bi in you that's just been stirred up. I'm sorry to be so ambiguous, but that's the way it is. If sexuality was simple there wouldn't be so many confused people!

I say just try masturbating without the influence of ANY porn for a couple of weeks, and... just see where your fantasies take you. It's not a sure-fire way, but it's worth trying imo.

fackit · Sep 12, 2013

Thanks for the answer man.
Depression, Porn Addiction and Perfomance Anxiety can be a real dick killer.

Also after research I came to a conclusion that bisexual men do in fact exist and are not homosexuals in denial. I cant even begin to imagine how hard would it be to be gay and in the closet and all that, but overanalyzing the shades of my own sexuality fucks my brain pretty well and makes me feel like shit. Being some sort of bi might sound quite badass in theory but in reality not so much.

AKTodd · Sep 12, 2013

I think Sam is pretty dead on with his analysis of your situation. You seem pretty straight to me, with the occasional gay fantasy or whatever maybe indicating some bisexuality. Or maybe indicating that you're a horny guy who (at least in fantasy) is kind of open to trying stuff if it could potentially result in a more intense orgasm. Either way, stressing over it is probably what's impacting your sex life, not anything like being gay and in denial.

Just to throw out a radical notion: Does it really matter what you 'are'? More to the point, instead of worrying about labels, maybe just go with the flow and let things go where they will. If that means you're only into women in real life but the occasional gay fantasy gets you off good, woo-hoo. If it someday means you have the opportunity to do stuff with a guy and decide to give it a shot and you have a good time, woo-hoo. Either way, you get an orgasm out of it and there's nothing wrong with it.

Your sex life is a part of who you are, but it isn't the whole thing. Go with what feels right at the time and, as long as you aren't hurting anyone, it's really not a problem or anyone's business but yours

Hope this helps,

Todd

fackit · Sep 12, 2013

Thanks, yes actually this really helped, I should really stop stressing, go with the flow and enjoy my life

Chip · Sep 12, 2013

Hi.

Your situation is complicated. From what you're describing, it sounds like you've first and foremost got a problem with watching a lot of porn, and numbing to it, which is leading you toward more extreme porn. That can completely mess up your real-life sex drive because the porn isn't realistic and because, if I'm correct, you've numbed yourself out to normal sex. If that's the case, I think that's much more core to your issue, and needs to be addressed before you can really look at where your attractions lie.

Yes, you could be bisexual, but I think it's more likely that the porn is masking what is most likely a normal heterosexual attraction. My suggestion would be to find either a sex therapist or a psychologist with experience treating porn and sexual addictions. Whether or not you actually are clinically addicted, you're certainly showing signs of numbing.

Alternatively, you could try simply giving up porn entirely for a couple of months. The catch here is, in doing so, you'll also, when you need to masturbate, do so without porn and without thinking about the porn you watched. The idea is to retrain your brain so that it is again activated by more normal stimuli and fantasies.

I do think a therapist would help, particularly if you have other symptoms associated with OCD. Interestingly, OCD and addictions are both caused by similar pathway issues in the brain, so the association between porn addiction/overuse and OCD is actually quite plausible, though I'm not aware of any studies that have looked at it.

I hope this helps !!

fackit · Sep 13, 2013

It really helped. Thanks chip.
For a while I thought this whole porn addiction thing, was a religious lunatics invention (if you aksed me about it 3 years ago, I would laugh it off)... but the more I read about it, I do certainly find some of its symptoms in me. So I will try to deal with it for now, and if I ll have some bi attractions, well I ll deal with them later.

fackit · Oct 22, 2013

Hey its me again.. now things got weird again.
A week ago I watched lesbian porn, and got hard without touching myself, and I decided that well I am straight. However I kept checking myself to gay porn and after several failed attempts, once I finally got a really hard erection and ejaculated.
This now caused me some suicidal, depression and I am back to overanalyzing.
Truth be told, nothing makes much sense. When I was a kid I have been definitely been atracted to women, not sex acts, just women. I have gotten off to girls squirting and masturbating and some months ago like I said after foreplay with my gf, I was fully wet kind of like I came twice, and my dick was hurt from enjoyment.
Now I cant really understand how the Kinsey scale works, how my pornography addiction comes to play, if I ve got the so called H-OCD, just maybe like the fear of getting an erection gives me an erection, I dont really get anaything at all at this point.
If I look at a guy and I get an erection I can accept being gay, and the same thing backwards.
I decided to give up porn and masturbation for like 3 months, and let my attraction come naturaly any thoughts, would be appreciated.

sam the man · Oct 22, 2013

Ok. As before, don't base your ideas solely off porn, because that's not a sure enough way to tell. Also if it takes several attempts to even get hard to it, that seems to me as though you're not even particularly attracted to men, and mainly straight. In terms of porn addiction (which you might well have), it's quite possible for a kind of "escalation" to take place in which you watch so much porn that the normal stuff just doesn't cut it anymore. So if you're watching porn frequently and finding yourself on gay porn, don't take that as a sign that you're gay because you could just be doing that due to desensitisation, i.e. for the sake of variety so to speak.

A better question to ask yourself is whether you notice guys when out in public IRL or whether you can get turned on by the idea of sex or relationships with a man, independent of porn. If the answer to those questions is yes, you could be bi, and if no, you're probably straight and just a little worked up.

So, two best things you can do for now imo are:
1) cut the porn out. Ok don't cut it out completely but scale it back until you feel you can think clearer, that should help you somewhat.
2) stop thinking in terms of labels. Just think in terms of who you are and aren't attracted to and kick the issue of labels into the long grass. Let the label find you rather than you find it. Losing all the baggage associated with labels might also help you.

Tbh it's not something that warrants suicidal or depressive thoughts, so try not to worry about it so much.

Keep us posted about any developments or questions though!

fackit · Oct 22, 2013

Thanks for the reply and your insight. Really.
I have been really depressed, with insomnia, stuck in pornography, alone and obsessing about it the last few days, I should just stop caring. Its a nightmare 24/7 and I am wasting my life. I will just try to reads books, listen to music, go out with friends and just do something else.
If I am correct, I must be at least bi because I have trully masturbated to women thousands of times. Three years ago I would get a boner just by looking at tits, now that doesnt seem the case. I could be gay, bisexual, straight with OCD, whatever, I dont care anymore, let it come naturally.

apostrophied · Oct 23, 2013

Bro, you are totally overreacting and looking for clues and links and connections where there are none. Take a deep breath.

First off, I don't think you're gay. Clearly, you've been with women and you enjoy it. That dream you had, it's nothing but a dream. Random bursts of electricity in your brain which release neurotransmitters which trigger completely senseless representations in your mind, if that makes you feel less weird about it. I strongly recommend leaving Freud out of it, you're only going to make yourself crazy by listening to what that guy had to say, lol.

The other thing that sticks out to me is your habit of watching porn. From what I can tell, I'm pretty sure that it has really affected how you see yourself and your sexuality. Let me reassure you that you getting off gay porn has nothing to do with your sexuality. Porn is meant to be arousing, and I'd venture to say that I myself would be aroused by watching m/m or m/f porn, even if I identify as a lesbian (but I don't watch it, because I know it's not the best thing to watch). That's because porn is just sex, and seeing people having sex and enjoying it can be arousing. If you're not aroused by a particular type of porn, mind you, that's no cause for concern either. But basically, what I'm trying to say is that you're giving porn wayyy too much weight in your debate. Why would you base yourself on some completely silly, unrealistic stuff to determine your concrete, real-life sexual orientation? I think you should try to stop watching it. The dangers of porn are actually not fiction made up by Focus on the Family. They are real, and empirically supported by psychological research.

The next thing I noticed is that you are at a point where you are freaking out so bad (I can't blame you, this is a confusing issue!!) that you are basically linking everything that happens to you to this fear of being gay. Don't worry, if she doesn't moan, it doesn't mean you're gay!! The random boner for the creepy guy doesn't mean you're gay!! You're fiiiine. Lol. You're just overreacting.

Do you have other things to do to occupy the time you have on your hands, during which you worry instead? School, family, friends, a job, volunteering, etc? Not porn, sex, girls, or anything that would remind you of that. I think that might really help you sort of re-ground yourself, because at this point, your problem seems to be mostly self-generated. Once you find other things to think about, you'll be able to think more clearly.

Good luck, I hope you figure it all out soon!!! *hugs*

fackit · Oct 23, 2013

Thank you for your reply.
Thats what I am actually doing lately, I am trying to avoid anything regarding sex with either gender. LOL.
The thing about guys is that if the porn they watch the most is gay, well they are gay.
Then again lesbian porn is supposed to be created for straight guys and I have gotten off to it like 3 times a a day sometimes.
Its true that I am overly paranoid, and think about it almost obessesively.
My plan is to give up porn/masturbation for like 2 months now and well try more sex with 2 or 3 more women, and if it doesnt work out, well men, and vice versa, till I find out. Cheers.

fackit · Oct 25, 2013

Hey its me again...
My university is shut down for the last 2 months, I am out of the city and I am quite lonely and depressed, not only that but I think about my sexual orientation in an obsessional manner 24/7.

I have accepted that I can enjoy foreplay between men. Kissing and being into each other, can be pretty intense. That being said the dick or the butthole arent really arousing.
Its not only that I cant enjoy looking at anal, I cant enjoy looking at oral neither.

In my 2 gay sex fantasies, I never envisioned a man's body or penis or whatever, I envisioned kissing and doing something out of the ordinry I guess.
As for the female body, I cant say that it drives me crazy neither, probably because of the porn use. 3 years ago I am pretty sure that I could get a groinal response by tits or fingering, nowadays not so much. Girl on girl foreplay still turns me on and lesbian sex as well.

I mean I could accept being gay and gt over it, but what kind of gay man gets off to the L word and jizzes on his pants with girls.

Then again I have this absolute fear that I will never be able to satisfy a woman in bed.
I will probably see a therapist next month and I ve been 5 days off porn.
If anyone has any more insight, I will be more than glad to hear your opinions.

sam the man · Oct 25, 2013

First off, 5 days off porn is a good start, so congrats on that front. Keep it up, because it's at least worth a try to resolve this imo.

Therapist sounds like a good idea at this point, b/c this obsessive thinking doesn't sound like it's gone away or even improved that much. I think you've broadly tried to take on the suggestions we've given you, so I'll try not to repeat them.

Perhaps telling us what you think the root cause of this obsession is might move this forward a little. Does the depression come in cycles (your previous posts suggest something like that)? Is the fear of not having a normal life a cause? Loss of identity? Fear of not being able to find and make relationships?

I'm pretty sure this goes much deeper than just confusion by now, so if there's any way you could comment on your thinking that's what I think will help for now. Start with the mentality and the address the negativity first, then the answers can come later.

Having said that though, I will repeat the fact that your sexuality isn't changeable and in any case isn't really a concrete part of who you are. Whether you're bi, gay, asexual, apasexual, confused or if you're straight but the odd gay fantasy gets you off good from time to time... you're still you and apart from who you look out for you're exactly the same person you were before.

Res · Oct 25, 2013

You are NOT gay. Let me repeat, you are NOT gay. You clearly find women attractive.

But I also think that you're not straight either, but rather, BI-CURIOUS. There. I'm giving you a label.

Other people here have been claiming that you're straight, and mostly, you are. But the fact that you're obsessing about an attraction to men, suggests to me that part of you knows that you're not completely straight. You do find some men sexually attractive. I suffer from OCD as well, and obsessed a lot (just like you are) over my lack of attraction to men (when I had previously thought that I was bisexual). I never wanted to be a lesbian. I was raised believing that I had to marry a man and have babies. It's not socially acceptable to do otherwise. And men have even worse pressure. You don't want to be bisexual. Admitting that you're attracted to men can be a blow to your self esteem, because of the way that society would look at you. So it's understandable why a part of you would be fighting the reality. But on the other hand, you want to know the truth. It's killing you not knowing. So you've got this little war going on in your brain. But deep down, you know the truth. You're actually looking for proof that you are attracted to men, and you're looking to label yourself.

Your gut can tell you a lot. And when you find a "label" that fits you best, you'll feel some sense of relief over it. If mentally you think, "Well... I don't really fit the label of straight. But calling myself bisexual just doesn't feel right, and 'straight' does." Then you're straight. I firmly believe that the correct label will just feel right for you. No one is going to judge you for it.

There's a scale to one's own sexuality, and rarely does one person fit on either end of it. Most people are somewhere in the middle. And no one really fits one label perfectly. There's always some wiggle room.

fackit · Oct 25, 2013

Well thank you both for your replies you made me consider some stuff, really thank you...well here are some other things I want take out of my mind.

I ve been reading a lot of these threads in this section lately, just to understand myself you know, get my answers... and there are certainy things bothering me in the back of my head like some guys like Lex(great poster btw) realised they were gay in their 20s, and they were like attracted to women and straight porn in the past before finding out their homosexuality.. and .. wat if I am one of them ? LOL

Some other things, according to studies, male sexuality is solid, straights are getting boners from straight and lesbian porn, gays from gay and straight porn (a little bit) and thats the way of the world. The thing is I have been aroused by all of them (even if gay porn took like 1 out of 10 attempts)... and this obsession is not healthy in any way, I do think about it 99% of the time. Funny story, I am taking a dump the other day and enjoying it, and my intrusive thought was something like this "Well this feels good, its anal stimulation, I guess that means I am gay... ":bang:

Anyway yes, I hope I will find my peace eventually.

sam the man · Oct 25, 2013

I'm hesitant to trust those studies, gay guys who get off to lesbian porn and straight guys who enjoy gay porn seem to be well-documented with a few examples here. Also, there are hardly any absolutes in sexuality; what I mean by that is, even if you are indeed straight, that doesn't mean you never get off to a gay fantasy/porn, just that it's not a frequent or significant part of your attractions. On a side note, yep that intrusive thought is pretty crazy there really is no link to be found there b/w that and being gay though.

I don't think the problem is really the confusion, it seems to be just what you think it means. I'm taking a punt here (and I'm not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination ), but would I be right in saying you've associated your sexuality as being part of your identity, and the fact you don't know what it is means you feel as though part of it is missing? It's a thought that often crossed my mind (still does some days), so perhaps it's a problem for you as well. It's this kind of thing that makes questioning depressing sometimes.

fackit · Oct 25, 2013

Well you might be right about the sexuality/identity association, because well I always thought of myself as the invisible straight white man who can drill every girl(I consider myself smart and good looking) , till... I realised I am out of shape and I have spent a couple of years jacking off to porn and doing nothing sagnificant:lol: I do live in a homophobic enviroment, thats true but even if I end up gay I can still see me having a hell of a time with a guy, getting high and travelling the world lol...but then again I dont think I am gay:lol:

sam the man · Oct 25, 2013

If it is identity or other such stuff you're worried about, then yeah, just get on with other stuff and do significant things (travel the world?) to make yourself an identity and... well, make you feel better

So yeah, the problems haven't been caused by lack of labels or same-sex attractions, just how you've reacted to them. It's a natural reaction, but still a little mad . Keep that in mind and you can start getting to the point of why you feel down about it and move on from there.

Anyway, that kind of positivity towards being...whatever is the right way to go, if you accept you don't have control over it and let go of the idea you'll allow yourself to deal with it one day at a time and come back to reality. Just be open-minded about yourself and it's well within your capability to solve it.

Insanity reigns

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