Hi, I am a 30+ year old female. I was in a committed, 3 years relationship with a girl whom both of us loved each other dearly 9 years ago. We cohabited, and did everything together. When I was with her in the beginning, I was happy and everything felt right. What happened was, towards the end of 3 years, I got scared. Scared that I didn't know where the relationship was heading too. She will not come out. Neither will I. On top of that, we were both running a business together with other partners and the business was not doing well. It was very stressful financially and emotionally. And because of that I started to give her the cold treatment. I wasn't as loving as before. And true enough, after a few months of turmoil, she called it quits. I was devastated. Although I initiated the cold treatment, I couldn't accept that the relationship ended. It was my first true love. I left the business. I went into deep depression for 3 years, sought psychiatrist help, hospitalised, etc. I was suffering from severe abandonment issue and low esteem. Looking back, I know I brought onto it myself and yet I self-sabotaged myself. After coming out of depression, I was so afraid to get into a relationship, be it straight or with another female. I was afraid of getting hurt. Then I got lonely. I went out with a guy for a year. However, I found him boring. Of course, I enjoyed that he took care of me, but that was it, there are no sparks. I somehow don't feel the chemistry with guys, there is no sparks. Of course I enjoy looking at them, chatting with them. But it ends there. As for other females, I do envy some older women. But I don't see myself going to bed with them. I admire them for their intelligence and wittiness. Recently, I went for a business trip with another female. The hotel room was such that the bathroom/toilet wall was a see through glass. I felt so awkward being naked in front of another female. And I didn't get excited at all, seeing another naked female. Thus, I am really confused. Am I lesbian, bi or straight? This issue is eating me softly as I do feel lonely occasionally. Lesbian friends have asked me, what is my sexual preference? If I am lesbian, they are able to introduce partners to me. My answer is, I don't know Please help. Thanks.
I'm going though something similar and am not experienced with relationships, so please take this with a few grains of salt. I told my mom what I'm going through and she told me that just because I find one woman attractive doesn't mean I'm going to find all women attractive. Just like finding one man attractive doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to all of them. I don't know how you felt about the woman in the hotel room (whether you liked her personality or not or if you found her objectively attractive) but I don't think being uninterested in a naked woman means you're straight. I think being in love and living with a woman for a few years rules out being straight, too. It could be that you just haven't found the right woman.
You may be demisexual, which means you are only sexually attracted to someone you feel a deep bond with. That is more common than most people know. Physical attractiveness comes after knowing someone's heart for someone who is demisexual.
Yes, I agree. I think I may have not found the right person, be it male or female. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2013 at 07:39 PM ---------- Thanks myheartincheck! This made a lot of sense of being demisexual. For a long time, I was questioning am I just not interested in being with someone! So, I may be straight, if I have a deep connection with someone...
I'd have to say that we worry about our sexuality entirely too much. Think in terms of spending time with someone becasue they are interesting and you like them. I think all too frequently we judge people by what sort of lover they would be long before we get to know them. If we put the emphasis on the sexual end first, it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the emotional part of whatever relationship might form. It's like we shoot ourselves in the foot before we even stand up...
Thanks Flatlander48. What you shared made so much sense. For most of my life, I tried to put a label on myself. Now, I know, just enjoy the friendship/relationship with the person first, and if anything sexual comes about, it's a bonus. I have been agonising for too long what is my sexuality orientation. Thanks again.
I understand completely why you are in a pickle! Why not put the sexual stuff on the back burner & just concentrate on getting your life back together & finding hobbies, passions that drive your life in a positive direction. I don't think you should feel lonely or think you need to be in a relationship, you should first be happy with yourself, your life & being single. People in this day and age put so much emphasis on sexuality, labels & sex sex sex that is so damaging to people especially in situations like yourself. Start from step one away from all this sexuality. I don't think your sexuality is very important after all if you meet a women or man shouldn't it start with friendship first and both parties will know over time weather they want to pursue it.
Yes, truly agree and well said. It's the culture and society that I am in, which puts tremendous pressure. Then again, no blaming others...I have a choice.
