I've identified as straight for the past few years - I'm a woman in my early 20s (still at college) in a medium term relationship with a man. I apologize for this very long post, but I need to get this out for my own benefit and to really see if this is normal. When I was in my mid teens I thought I was a lesbian. I had a crush on a girl in my class for a while, and I also couldn't imagine doing anything without touching someone's breasts - nothing else seemed like it could be fulfilling. At the time, I attributed this to the fact that I went to a private all-girls school and was exposed mostly to girls though I did a lot of extra curriculars with guys. I also wanted to go into a very public career and thought that my sexuality would be a burden. Whenever I saw 11:11 or anything else that was fortuitous, I used to pray that I were bi so that I could live a "normal" life. I used to secretly admire openly lesbian politicians and public figures. I had a boyfriend at around that age, and I hated kissing him. It's weird though, because I always thrived on the sexual tension between guys and girls and definitely flirted with guys. My high school eventually opened a society for gay/questioning students and I remember wanting to take down the details when I saw the poster at my school, but I wasn't 100% sure if I were gay and didn't want anyone to know. Throughout high school, I definitely liked guys but always felt uncomfortable being in close proximity with girls of a certain appearance/body shape. I always seemed to get more interested in someone once I found out that they were lesbian or bi. Then I went off to college, after having been in a sexual/serious relationship with a guy. At college, I remember going to parties drunk at first and telling myself not to hook up with girls. It was with joy that I found that I'd always end up with guys at the end of the night. I'm not sure if that's because there were just more guys who were interested. However, at some parties, whenever I was in close proximity to some of my female friends who were my type I wanted to kiss them. As I said, I'm now in a relationship with a guy who I adore, and when I started this relationship one of my regrets was that I wouldn't have the chance to ever kiss a girl. But I did with his permission. It was a girl who really wasn't what I'd call my type at all, and she wasn't into it. It felt boring and I immediately assumed that I was straight after all. But part of me's just wondering whether it sucked because she wasn't my type and she wasn't into it. But the other night, I was with some friends without my boyfriend. My friend and I both got really drunk, and I felt like we were both flirting with each other. I wanted to just lie on the ground and to kiss her and it felt agonizing that I couldn't (my relationship which mattered too much to me, our friendship, etc). It also felt so natural to flirt with her which surprised me. Whenever she kept on saying we were both straight it felt like someone was stabbing me. So now I'm super confused. I'm not sure if I've been suppressing any bisexual tendencies from my mid teens, and I'm not sure if I'm just bicurious or something because I'm thinking about this issue a lot. And I'm not sure if all of this is normal for straight girls.
Thanks a lot Nedussa! That's definitely something I'm wondering, but I don't know how to know for sure if that's the case because I'm in a relationship with a guy and even if I weren't, most girls I know wouldn't be interested in trying things out. Porn is a big no-no: I've watched both straight and lesbian porn (each only once) and I didn't enjoy either, though I found the lesbian porn less disgusting than the straight porn. On the other hand, I definitely feel more sexual tension with guys (at least when sober). I'm not sure if that's because I have a mental block preventing me from letting go around girls or because girls who are my type are rarer than guys who are my type, or because guys as a whole are more aggressive sexually and are more likely to reciprocate. I definitely felt a *lot* of tension with my friend this weekend when I was really drunk, but I don't want alcohol to be my way of letting go, because it's not healthy, and whenever I feel tension with other girls I try to forget it and focus my attention on guys who might reciprocate. I feel like I need to figure this out for myself for my own well being, even if I never date a girl. I don't feel like I could every truly belong in the gay community because I've dated guys and I've enjoyed it, and I don't see myself as the stereotype of the community (slightly right wing economically etc. For some reason though, I've been thinking that if things end one day with my boyfriend, I really *want* to date a girl (maybe this is just curiosity because I have no clue which gender I'd want to spend my life with, but I can't imagine living without trying things with a girl), but realistically I don't think that will happen because straight guys (and guys, for that matter) are just so much more common in what I study than girls interested in girls.
