Ok so here goes nothing. For the past 19 and 1/2 years of my life I have considerd myself straight. Had no reason to question it. I remember my first crushes,fantasies,attraction,and feelings being all for girls. Never in my life have I been attracted to or even looked at guys. But heres the problem. Im 19 and have tried to get many girlfriends, but my shyness and inexperience led it all to a failed attempt every time. I also have never even kissed a girl or been sexual with one, but it was all I could dream and think about. Having my first kiss, having sex with a girl. Not having any ecperience makes it much harder for me to know for sure. My inexperience was because I used to be a fat kid in school and no girls were ever interested in that. But thats besides the point. Recently 2 months ago. I was watching porn. And all of a sudden while watching it, I got aroused by a guys penis. Most ppl said its just curiosity, my therapist said not to even worry about it because there are times in a straight guys life where he can be aroused by the penis. But yeah thats what happend. Led me into a huge state of confusion. I did many tests. Watched gay porn, it wasnt a turn on for me, but I could watch it. But I have no desire to go back and watch it again, its just whatever. But I prefere hetero porn, because I like to see a girl in it. I have also tried fantasizing about guys, idk what I fantasize about exactly, its not any specific person. But I did it with an open mind and sometimes it changes to a girl, other times I can finish. But thats not even a clear indicator for me, because I can fantasize about anything. I can even fantasize about having sex with a horse or a car or a tree. So I cant even base it off of my fantasies. But anyways most fantasies are of women. Unless im trying to make myself think.of a male figure to see what happens, but its just the same as fantasizing about anything else. Its just there. Anyways back to more info. I am EXTREMLY paranoid. Constantly pondering about what I am. I try to see who im attracted to. I dont feel attravted to guys. And unfortunately now idk if im attracted to girls. I dont know if im so paranoid and depressed that I feel no attraction where I want it or what. But I dont really feel much attraction anywhere with either gender. Possibly because of my paranoia. But I can be like "shes good looking" or "yeah he looks cool, id wanna be like that". I can admit when anyone looks good of either gender. Im basically at a point where idk what attraction is or feels like anymore. I really dont know anything. Im in a cloud of confusion. I dont even like to masturbate anymore because I litterly have 0 interest in fantasizing abiut anything. But when I do I just go watch porn and fantasize there. Mainly because I wanna fantasize about sex with a girl. Before all this happend I was in a HUGE dillema with 2 girls. I had to choose which one I would like to actually take on a date. As I liked them and they both liked me. Unfortunatly that got shot down the shitter because of this situation and I just told them to keep friends for now. Because im a person who gets fillex woth guilt. Abd right now.im too guilty too date right now and my head is a mess. Id rather when im more.calm and open to myself to let things go where they go. And one more story. Back when I was 1e. My friend wanted to wrestle me because he said he was stronger. So I agreed. During wrestling we acted out sexually. No we did not do anything sexual. Clothes were on and all. But we acted out sexually. And litterly less than a second after tjis happend, I threw myself away from the scene. Was extremly grossed out and told my friend to leave and never talked to him again for another 6 years. I used this situation as assurance that im not gay because I was repulsed and grossed out after 1 second of it. And I also read it's extremly.common for this to happen especially while wrestling because there is so much touching. And no I am not attracted to that friend at all. I still think of it and im grossed out and still barley want to look or talk to him. So please help me. Idk what my sexual orientation is. Some say im straight still. Others say im curious. But in my head im like "what if im gay" or "what if im bisexual". I feel like im in the closet. But thats just me being paranoid. Because im sure there would have been many signs in my past that I was gay, if I was. Sorry for any spelling mistakes. Im on my phone haha. Please HELP!! ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 05:57 AM ---------- When I was 12*
Okay thank you! ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 06:10 AM ---------- Oh and I also did hangout with a girl one time. It wasnt considered a date. But after it all I felt extremly attracted. And after she left I startrd getting extremly sad and basically started crying because she had to leave. And by leave I mean leave for good and I wouldnt see her for awhile and all I could think about was her. This is another reason why I am so hesitant to call myself gay or bisexual. Because what I felt there was real. This happend 4 months ago though. And I never felt this with a guy. But maybe I just never let myself? Idk ugh ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 06:24 AM ---------- Im so sorry for all these posts I have a lot on my mind. I feel like if I could accept being gay and just be okay with it myself that all my paranoia will go away and ill be straight again and just realize that im not actually gay. I know my paranoia is causing me the confusion. But then again the question I my head is if I just let it happen, will it happen. ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 06:24 AM ---------- Im so sorry for all these posts I have a lot on my mind. I feel like if I could accept being gay and just be okay with it myself that all my paranoia will go away and ill be straight again and just realize that im not actually gay. I know my paranoia is causing me the confusion. But then again the question I my head is if I just let it happen, will it happen. ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 06:24 AM ---------- Im so sorry for all these posts I have a lot on my mind. I feel like if I could accept being gay and just be okay with it myself that all my paranoia will go away and ill be straight again and just realize that im not actually gay. I know my paranoia is causing me the confusion. But then again the question I my head is if I just let it happen, will it happen.
I think you have to just calm down for just a second and ask yourself, "Who am I attracted to?" Boys, girls, both even? To me, it does seem as though you're straight, maybe a little bit bicurious. I also strongly recommend you go and see a therapist because I'm no expert, but it does seem like you have symptoms of OCD, due to you obsessing over your sexuality. I hope you figure out everything, and know that everyone here on EC is there for you (*hug*)
I did go to the therapist. I was diagnosed with ocd and anxiety disorder. I have a history of extreme over thinking. Like for example. If my friend does not answer me for about an hour or 2 I go into a train of thought that she died. I start messaging her on fb,skype,twitter, and anything else she has access too. I have a mild case of ocd I guess. I never asked them what it was. But I worry too because so many ppl say its not true to obsess over your sexual orientation and that makes me even more crazy
Oh, it is possible to obsess over your sexuality. The people you say who do not believe someone cannot be OCD about your sexulaity most likely are thinking about HOCD, which is not a real mental disorder. (HOCD was said to be a disorder in which someone was OCD about their sexuality and that only, but its not an official disorder.) Your OCD can make you obsess over your sexuality, but it is not HOCD because HOCD is not a real term.
My head has been spinning non stop all day every day ever since this started 2 and a half months ago ---------- Post added 31st Aug 2013 at 10:49 AM ---------- I just want to be able to forget about this. I have headaches all day long from this always depressed. Notning is clear
I'm really sorry that you feel this way right now . One day, be it tomorrow, a month from now, even a year from now, everything is going to be clear to you. For now though, just be strong and focus on what you need to do in the present. (*hug*)
Thank you. I hope when the decision is made I can be completely sure of it and not even have to second guess it.
You sound pretty straight to me. As far as being aroused by a penis - you have a penis and you know how good it can make you feel. It is possible you were just empathizing with what you imagined the guy was feeling during that particular act (which is sort of the point of porn to some degree after all). Being able to watch some particular type of porn doesn't really mean anything. I can easily watch straight porn. It's not like it's holy water and I'm a vampire or something I can even get off to it if I relate to the guy or enjoy the sight of the guy. Again, doesn't mean I'm not gay (or that you're not straight). Personally, I'm generally of a mind that if you feel the need to do all kinds of 'testing' to determine if you're gay or not, then that's probably a pretty strong sign that you're not gay. Because if you were, you'd be more more readily feeling something for guys or gay porn or whatever. You would probably be spending more energy trying to stop yourself from thinking about guys or gay sex than trying to do it. So, to repeat: I think you're straight - maybe a little bi-curious (in the 'what would that feel like and would it get me off better/different from what I already know - a game that I suspect ever guy plays to one degree or another) or sufficiently open-minded that (as you mention) lots of things can get you off in terms of fantasy. But overall straight. Hope this helps, Todd
