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Virgin - Do you need experience to be able to determine your sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by EmilyLimbo, Sep 2, 2013.

  1. EmilyLimbo

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    Hi,

    I am 33 and I have not had sex with anyone before (I have fooled around with trans men), I have only had sexual fantasies about cis women and trans men and while I find some cis men attractive and think sometimes that I would like to be in a relationship with one, sexually I just don't feel it. I am starting to think my thinking on this has been affected by what I am 'supposed' to want as opposed to what I do want. But I also struggle because the trans man I had a crush on identifies very much as solely male... does this make me Bi or Queer or what?

    Can I know without having experiences? I am also disabled (I have a form of dwarfism) and I first found acceptance of my body and being a sexual person in the GLBTQ community. The straight community is not inclusive at all of disabled people I find and it is a struggle to be found 'attractive'. But before I met people in the GLBTQ community I definitely was aroused pretty much exclusively by the idea of sex with a cis women and have never felt 'straight'

    Help!
    Emily
     
  2. Bright Eyes

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    I certainly think no experience is needed.
    Do straight people know they're straight before they have a relationship of someone of the opposite sex?
    Yes.
    So why can't gay people know they're gay without having had experience with someone of their gender?
    I've never been in a relationship with anyone. I've never been romantic with anyone at all. How do I know I'm gay? Because I'm just not interested in boys. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The very idea of being with a guy just feels wrong. So why should I have to date one if it feels so wrong?
    The answer is I don't have to.
    Being gay isn't experience. It's preference. There are plenty of straight people who have had gay experiences. There are plenty of gay people who have had straight experiences.
     
  3. unknown17050

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    Not to sound like a contradicter or something; but I must disagree with Bright Eyes above me. I have been on this site for months now and I can say I have noticed a correlation between people who are certain of their orientation have not experimented with the opposite/same sex; while those who have have much more certainty.

    Am I saying that Experimentation is the ultimate way to figure out your sexual orientation? YES, but that does not mean you HAVE TO, although for certainty, it is recommended.
     
  4. EmilyLimbo

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    Thanks I appreciate both your perspectives :slight_smile: . I guess I was thinking for someone my age where the early exploration in my teen years did not happen it is hard to try to experiment now. And frankly I would have to feel very very comfortable with whatever person I was experimenting with and also would have to be attracted to them mentally etc. I can't see these opportunities arising that frequently LOL.

    I think my biggest issue is that I have never put myself out there and have been too scared to try to date, but then part of me is thinking is that because I have not come out yet...? No easy answers I think I have to be content with some confusion for a while...
     
  5. unknown17050

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    There would be, but you have to ask yourself this; have you ever found the NEED to put yourself out there; like the NEED to have sex? If so; was it sex or just plain love you were searching for? Whatever you find yourself as; let us know, we're here to support and EC is fully capable of supporting. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Lindsey23

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    I agree with this. I've had many straight friends who have never questioned their orientation. They're disgusted by the thought of being with someone of the same sex. And they knew before they had any sexual experiences. It's harder for us because our culture has taught us that being gay is wrong. It's hard for us to admit we have those feelings when so many people we love and respect condemn homosexuality. I think we question ourselves because we are trying to come to terms with what we are.
     
  7. Ohhai

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    No experience is needed in my opinion. I've had sex with a man, it wasn't a bad experience. I've not had sex with a woman, but I know I'm gay.
     
  8. redneck

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    I don't think it is necessary but I'll say this when I was in HS I knew I liked the boys in the locker room more than the cheerleaders. I knew I wasn't straight but what was I bi? gay? curious? Anyway I let social pressure tell me gay was wrong after HS I was in two relationships with women totaling 9years and as time went on I absolutely knew 'this isn't right' I have been exploring my sexuality for the past 3 years and now I can say 100% I'm gay there is no question left in my mind I can look at any woman you want to show me and even though I my appreciate the beauty of her body (side effect of social programming) the thought of sex just isn't there.
     
  9. Robert

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  10. silverhalo

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    I don't think you have to have any experience. You just have to let your imagination go and see what it comes up with.
    I understand how you feel, its tough to come out without experience but its difficult to get experience without coming out. Have you thought about joining an LGBT group or online dating or something?
     
  11. Lexington

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    I knew I was gay years before I finally hooked up with a guy. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. EmilyLimbo

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    Thanks for all the replies :icon_bigg, I really appreciate it. It seems that the view is while experience may not be necessary it can help to solidify how you are feeling. Especially as some mention we are surrounded by heterosexuality as the 'norm' and are fed it 24/7.

    Thanks silverhalo, yes it is tough to come out without experience later in life especially as I have the feeling some people will say to me "how do you know if you have never been with a cis man before?" I am confident at responding to this however. And frankly I am getting to the point where who cares what anyone thinks anyway! :eusa_danc Yes I am going to to a GLBTQ workshop soon and hope to meet some more people then might progress to online dating but not sure I am there yet....

    Thanks again!
     
  13. sammy1

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    No u definitely don't need experience to know your orientation. I've never had sex w anyone and I know what I like and the type of person I would like to b with one day it's just the same as u don't need to jump off a bridge to know the conciquences :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: lol
     
  14. Emulator

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    That probably wouldn't be the case. Most know a sexual attraction without ever having sex, as others have said.
     
  15. DesertTortoise

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    I guess it would be possible to find oneself ... sort of like something that would happen in a movie.. one minute you're sitting next to your friend, the next minute you're lip locked, but I'd guess most know before they have empiricle evidence... hell, I knew before I knew!

    There are so many things, so many signs. I remember, that if I wanted to watch porn, it was always oral sex... and realizing, it was not the woman I was paying attention to! And when I gave myself permission to let my masturbation fantasies go their own way--the women vanished from the scene. Pretty soon the cumulative circumstantial evidence is overwhelming, and if you have a strong sex drive... the experience will follow soon enough.
     
  16. srslywtf

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    I've fooled around a little with some straight( well...) guys when I was younger while drunk , but never had sex. Definitely gay though. Definitely want dicks in my butt.
     
  17. Markoso

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    I do think that certain people need experimentation in order to define their sexual preferences. I am referring especially to all of us who belong to the bisexual group. Many people are sure about their sexual orientation at young age, but for the others (myself included) discovery of it is relatively long, sometimes even life-long process.
     
  18. TinyBee

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    I really don't think you need any experience. I've Don't have any experience with sex— nor relationships in that matter, really. I've (kind of been) with one guy, (it was a very childish relationship and we didn't see each other very often.). I haven't been with any girls yet, and probably won't be for a while because no one my age has really discovered their sexuality or come out of the closet. (Plus, i don't know many people). Yet, I've come to the conclusion that I'm Bisexual. I have fantasies about being with girls, not just sex fantasies but fantasies of holding a girls a hand, kissing her, and just plain hanging out with her; just having a girlfriend. And I'm attracted to girls, in a way like i am attracted to boys. So, I'm Bisexual. So, you don't need experience. ^_^
     
  19. BIloverboy

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    Virginity doesn't matter I'm only 14 and know this i have been struggling but got help I'm bi i always thought i was gay but I guess not you are what you say you are
     
  20. pippi

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    I don't really think its necessary. I think somehow we just know.