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Bi/lesbian? I'm so confused and lost

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by distance, Sep 3, 2013.

  1. distance

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    Hi everyone,

    I am completely new here but thought this may be a good space to talk things through and gain a bit of support through a very uncertain time. I have been feeling so awful lately and have never felt more confused about my life or where it is going, so any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I thought I would outline my situation, trying to keep it reasonably brief because we could be here all day otherwise!...

    I have had a really challenging few years, in fact life has always been quite difficult. I have experienced a lot of family losses and a fair bit of ill health. I only really feel like I have one family member, my mum, who knows me past the ‘hi how are you, I’m fine’ type conversations. However she has been very unwell lately and has been exceptionally difficult to be with. Our relationship is somewhat complicated and broken, leaving me feeling even more alone. I have a brilliant male partner, he and I have been together for around four years and we have been discussing moving in together and are working towards that happening sometime this year. He is the one person who knows everything about me, and we have stuck together through some difficult times. He and I have no problems per se, we have never argued and talk everything through but things do not feel right.

    I have felt increasingly depressed and anxious over the past two years, I think I have struggled with dep/anx for much longer but I denied it. I sought out some counselling through university and through those sessions I really realised how low I had been feeling. My therapy stopped when I graduated and I have struggled to find replacement support but I recently have found a lovely new counsellor. My walls are built up so high that I am really struggling to knock them down, I have spent so much of my life pretending to be ‘fine’ and be the ‘strong’ one that I hate exposing my vulnerabilities. However I know I am limiting therapy by being so closed and laughing things off. My counsellor often says that she feels like crying when I talk about things, but I usually sit there and will just laugh things away. I don’t mean to do it, I’m not trying to be awkward but it is just a lifelong habit that I am trying to break out of.
    There are a lot of things I am trying to work through in therapy – family losses, the complicated and now broken relationship I have with my mum, body image issues, self-harm issues, lack of confidence/self-esteem, ongoing health issues etc. There is a hell of a lot to be working through, and sometimes I have no idea where to begin.

    One issue which is causing me great pain at the moment is my relationship and sexuality doubts. As I said above, my partner is wonderful but something feels like it is missing. I am torn and so confused. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine not sharing life with him. He tells me he cannot imagine his future without me as his partner and he has no intention of leaving me. However I feel so distant, I wonder if I have been denying my sexuality for years – brushing it under the carpet like everything else I have ignored either through not having the time/support to work through it.

    I am trying to look back over my life and make sense of it all. I started dating guys at about 15 and had a few short-term relationships which were more like friendships. I had my first serious relationship at the age of 17-19. However things never felt right, he was always much more interested in me than I was him. We were together for almost a year before we slept together – I am unsure whether it was my family morals drilled into my head or whether I was just uninterested. I never really felt a spark there though and we broke up eventually. Not long after I met my current partner and things progressed a lot quicker with him. I felt so lost at the time though I was drinking myself into a despair and self-harming, I was just trying to escape what was going on in my life. He was the one positive, supportive, kind, caring, person I had by my side and we get on brilliantly. We share so many interests, but again I feel somewhat distant.

    He and I have been unable to share intimacy for just over a year now – for various health and living arrangement situations. We both miss it but understand that it is something that cannot happen right now, and he has always said we have the rest of our lives to enjoy that side again when we can. He really is a greatly understanding man. I wonder whether it is just because we do not have this element in our lives that he has become to feel more like ‘friend’ than partner, but he still seems to see me in the same way regardless.

    My life has been full of ‘anti-men’ messages, I do not think there is one marriage in my family which has been positive and my mum often mentions how men leave you, are only after one thing etc. The only positive relationship I have with a man is with my partner. I have no relationship with my dad/brother/uncles/grandfathers. I have no idea if this plays a role in how I feel.

    I do love my partner will all my heart, I love everything he stands for, his thoughts, his values, everything. But I wonder how much I love him like my best friend rather than being ‘in love’. I am unsure whether I feel the way that he feels towards me – he often says he misses me terribly and he has often spoken about marriage/kids etc but these conversations make me nervous (which may be because of my chaotic broken family).

    When it comes to affection, he is also a lot more affectionate than I am. I asked him if I am a ‘huggy’ person and he said I am a lot huggier now than I used to be – but I often only return his hug rather than want one myself. Kissing him has started to feel uncomfortable, and although we cannot sleep together right now, the last time we spent a bit of intimate time together just kissing etc felt so uncomfortable that I cried.

    He and I have spoken about my sexuality several times before, but often disregard it. I cannot deny anymore that I am attracted to women and so I am ‘out’ to him as a bisexual. After months of talking about it he has suggested that I find someone to explore this area of my life with, whilst he loves me and wants to spend his life with me he says he does not think I should suppress this. However I wonder how much this whole situation is just a physical curiosity or whether I want the emotional connection with a woman too – which makes me wonder if I am actually just a lesbian.

    I also cannot imagine going off and finding someone to sleep with, I don’t really just want a one night stand with a girl. I want someone I get on well with, I have never been a causal sex kind of person. However I doubt I will ever find a woman who is happy to sleep with me knowing that I have a partner. I consider finding a woman in a similar situation, but I just don’t know if I can get my head around the thought of that kind of set up. I have always considered myself a monogamous person. Whilst my partner and I are currently not having that side of our lives, I cannot imagine sharing intimacy with a woman and then knowing she is going off and sleeping with her husband/male partner. Similarly if my partner and I can have intimacy again, I don’t know if I could sleep with him and a women too. It just doesn’t feel very ‘me’.

    My family is all women really and I went to an all-girls school, I sometimes wonder if I just denied the feelings there because I never thought it could be an option. I look back now and notice that there was the odd school friend I had an interest in. At university I developed a very close friendship with a flatmate, I never thought I fancied her at the time but I wonder if I did. The most recent situation has been with my first counsellor, she and I had about 8 session together and she was the first person who listened to me and put me back into focus in my life. I had been so preoccupied with being a Carer for a family member whos mental health was deteriorating and I was stuck in denial thinking everything was okay but crumbling on the inside. After I lost her support I felt gutted, and had subsequent negative counselling experiences. I mourned for the loss of the space that this counsellor provided, I would cry about it and think about her all the time. At first, I thought it was because of the difficulties I was having with my mum and I wondered whether this counsellor represented a parent figure for me which I really really needed at the time. However the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I actually fell for my counsellor. I feel so stupid admitting this, because I know I do not really know her and counselling relationships are not like the relationships in ‘real’ life. But I cannot otherwise explain the strength of emotions I have towards her. I had some good therapy at the beginning of the year with a different therapist and we had to have a 6 month break due to being off work, but I never really missed him much. Yet I feel incredibly pain inside when I think about my first counsellor, I long to see her again (even if it is just for a few seconds). I think about her everyday – and it has been almost a year since I last had an appointment with her. She is a very attractive woman and from the things I gauged about her in appointments, she just seemed like the type of person I would really want in my life. She was funny, kind, we have similar career interests (I’m working in psychology at the moment) and so on. Even the way she dressed was similar to me, I feel so stupid admitting all these things. But I do not think I have ever felt this way about someone before. She was a counsellor at the place I used to study, and I would willingly sit in the coffee shop where everyone has lunch just in the hope of seeing her again. It sounds pathetic, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of her not being part of my life – even though I accept that this is how it has to be because she was my counsellor who is following her ethical guidelines, not a friend or anything else. I just feel confused.

    I feel torn up in side because I cannot pull it apart and figure out whether I am feeling this way because – I am depressed and anxious OR because my partner and I have no intimacy right now OR because I am a lesbian OR perhaps I am just creating a fantasy in my head because life feels so crap right now. Who knows.

    If I think about physical attraction, I do appreciate men and women but I definitely have a lot more interest in womens bodys than I do men. Whilst I have enjoyed sex with men, the act itself is good but anything else does not appeal much. However when I think about women in my head I want to do it all, I don’t really get the ‘I want to rip all their clothes off’ type feeling when I think about guys, but I do when I think about women. However I do wonder whether it will be different if I actually had the opportunity with a woman or whether it would be as appealing as it seems in my head.

    I am so confused and hurt, I just want to cry all the time and I have no idea what to do. My partner has a lot going on at the moment, and it is not the time to drop a bombshell about being a lesbian. I also am not sure I am, I am so confused but I have no idea what will make me feel clearer. I am 100% clear that I love him and want him in my life, he says he cannot imagine him being with anyone else and I also couldn’t imagine him being with someone other than me…but I wonder if that is just because we have been together for a while. I want him to be happy, he says he is very happy with me and would be broken without me. But I really long to feel the connection with someone. He seems to yearn for me and miss me/want to hold me etc, whereas my emotions are a fair bit less intense and numbed out. I would do anything to feel good with him, I blame myself for making all these issues.

    I don’t want to make a rash decision about my relationship but the confusion is tormenting me. There are so many areas of my life in ruins and I have no idea where to begin piecing everything back together.
    I am so sorry this has turned out to be so long, thanks for any of you that are still with me. I just feel so bad and have no-one really to talk this through with. I am trying my best to open up to my counsellor but it feels very scary facing all these emotions.Anyone who has been in a similar situation, or has some thoughts/advice I would really appreciate it.

    Thanks,
     
  2. hitgirl

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    I'm about to post my own post asking for advice so possibly not the best person to ask, but I think you could focus on your relationship first - if you're not happy with it, even though you do love your partner, is it time to either improve it or end it, whether you're gay, straight or bi? And if you are happy with it then stick with it! Good luck with whatever you do anyway :slight_smile:
     
  3. Nolisa

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    I don't think I am really capable of giving good advice, but I can tell you that I have been through something a bit simiar. I have been ill for some time and I went to a rehabilitation centre where I developed a crush on my mentor. At that time, I hadn't thought about the posibility of me being a lesbian and I was way too scared to admit to myself that I actually had a crush on her. I just thought that I saw her as some kind of idol or the big sister I never had. But when I had to leave, because I wasn't making enough progress, I noticed that I still thought about her everyday, even though I hadn't seen her for quite some time. It's been a couple of months now and I don't think about her so often anymore, but when I do, I get this rush in my chest and quickly try to think about something else, because I know that it is not going to happen. Besides I'm just beginning to accept that I might be lesbian (or not, I don't know). It has given me the inside, though, that I might have sabotaged my own recovery to stay there longer.
    That's a tiny bit of my story.

    The only advice that I can give you (it's easier said than done, I know..) is try not to blame yourself. You are a good person (from what I've read) and you didn't ask for you to feel this way.

    I hope you will find out what to do soon.
     
  4. distance

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    Hey,

    Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it.

    Hitgirl - you are right that it doesnt necessarily matter what label we place on ourselves as long as we are happy.

    Nolisa - thanks for sharing your story, I am sorry you have had a tricky time yourself with being ill. It is helpful to know that someone else has felt the same way -at first I similarly thought I saw my counsellor as a 'big sister' but I too thought about her every day even though I hadn't seen her etc which made me begin to question things. Sexuality is tricky, but hopefully we can begin to figure things out step by step.
     
  5. becca7

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    I can completely relate to the majority of this paragraph, I am struggling with what I should do next because I do deeply care about this guy and we've been together in the past, but he says he's cool with me being with another girl. So I am actually a girl in the same situation (minus the fact that I actually cant be intimate with him for a long while because he's far away). In any event, I am here as a friend if you want one :slight_smile:
     
  6. DrkRayne

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    Distance,

    I cant relate to you directly, in that I always knew I liked women, but my former "boyfriend" who was the only person for a long time that I could talk to is still in my life today, just as a friend. When I was in H.S. he was my BFF and he helped me through my suicidal moments, the depression and anxiety. My mother isnt exactly the nicest person and he saw me through all that.
    When i told him I was attracted to women he was fine. We didnt have sex, and I told him it was for religious reasons, so I never ahd to worry about that.
    Eventually I did come out. it did hurt his feelings, but we go past it.

    All I am saying is this....you can keep him in your life no matter what. Just be honest and open when you do find out.
    I'd say make a female friend. see if you can get feeling for a woman and if you can. THEN talk to him.
    Don't make rash judgement on decisions about your sexuality or relationship till then. For me it took kissing a woman for the lightbulb to fully go off.