OK , I came out to MYSELF a few days ago , i even post on the coming out forum about how to come out to others only a few hours earlier . But the fact is that i'm not ready yet , I've been denying and trying not to be gay , but now i'm sure i am , but i can't accept that . i can't accept myself . It really hurts to feel this way about myself . I was raised being told that homosexual is wrong & i was a homophobic when i was younger ( remembering all those who i insulted made me burst in tears and i hope i can apologize to them someday) . I just HATE myself , and my only wish now is to die , OMG i think i'm drunk and i rarely drink alcohol so the threshold level to get me drunk is about 1 and a half or 2 glasses . I don't know why i'm writing or what i want but i'll post it , cheers :icon_wink
Dude...I know you can't really control how you feel per se. But you can start to deconstruct and break down the feelings until they go away. There's nothing wrong with being gay. You harm no one by being gay. You neither take food from their mouth nor money from their wallet. So what's the problem? What you do in bed with another consenting, age appropriate person is no one's business. Do you treat others ethically and fairly overall (we will overlook the behaviors driven by homophobia)? Are you honest? Kind? Compassionate? Assuming the answer is yes, why is how you spend the tiny fraction of your time engaged in sex supposed to be the defining element of all you are? The idea is simply silly on the face of it, ESPECIALLY considering the points above re there being nothing wrong with being gay. At least that's my take on it. Of course you aren't me. So what is your take on things? Todd
If I'm getting this correctly, you're not really upset about being gay, but you're just feeling a ton of remorse for all those you've hurt..? Either way, there's a saying I love. It goes "Once you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up". There is no logical argument for the immorality of homosexuality, as seen in the news forum. We're constantly attacked by bullshit after bullshit. "Pray away the gay" also never works. And if there's a stereotype in your head, ask yourself "Would I still be me? Would I actually change the way I dress, the way I listen to music, watch movies, etc. just because I like guys?" I know the answer for me was "Fuck, no" I still listen to The Who. I still listen to Journey, Queen, Avenged Sevenfold, Psychostick and Rush. I still wear the same shirts. Sure, there was a bit of a change, but that wasn't a stereotypically gay thing, it was more of an otaku thing. I got more anime and manga stuff. I have more anime plushes and posters. This is your chance to be yourself and forget the indoctrination you've grown up with. I have a question for you: [youtube]fi_rGnw_B9A[/youtube]
Don't want to die we all want you alive and well, being gay isn't wrong. People just need something to bitch about so they choose gay people. Don't be ashamed you are who you are.
Calm down...You can only control things going forward. You regret being cruel to others, so why beat yourself up over being gay now? If it will help to apologize to them, it may mean a lot, then you can find some closure. An old friend bashed me often in HS, then showed up at my place this summer. Among other things, he asked forgiveness. I was so taken aback, i just told him to leave. Later on thinking about this surreal moment, it did mean a lot and i'm glad the last time we saw each other wasn't on such awful terms. You don't need to come out till you're ready, which you're clearly not. But you can reconcile with those you've wronged, and some of that guilt will go away and hopefully no longer block your self acceptance.
