I don't know anymore

Hello, I'm weremound and this is my first time making a post on the forum, or any forum. I've been looking through varies videos, comments, threads, etc to find people with similar stories to me, but I'm not having any luck. I just really want some advice or just have someone go "oh yeah, I feel the same way"

So first, I'm going to say a little about myself. I'm a 16 year old girl who has been going to an all girl school since 1st grade. I would call myself a shy person, but recently, I've been getting better at being more social. I honestly don't have very much interaction with boys, I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, never kissed anyone, I'm not the kind of person who would just go up and hug someone. I'm just all around anti-social.

My school is very accepting about "different" and are totally fine with people being gay. They want people to accept who they are. My family is Christian, but my parents have never been super religious. As in we never go to church. But other people in my family take a lot of time in their lives to talk about Jesus and God and going to Church and sins and all that. They sometimes make jokes when they see someone like a drag queen on TV. I myself would like to say that I am agnostic and no one, except close friends, knows this.

When I was little, I was, as most kids are, very stubborn. I still kinda am, but I at least acknowledge it. I was a kid who always wanted to be as different as I could, but I still had a craving to fit it. I know, weird, but true. When someone asked me, "Is there a boy you like?" I would go, "No! I'm never going to like a boy and never get married and never have kids yadda yadda yadda!" And when people asked me about girls I would say the same thing, but more annoyed like "Why would you assume just because I don't like boys that I like girls?"

Yeah, I was an annoying kid and as I got older I kept say the "oh yeah I'm totally asexual I don't love anyone I hate every human being in this world." Of course, I didn't know at the time asexual meant no sexual desire, which I still didn't have. I was a kid.

So, back up a little. I was always the tom boyish type, always hating things that were "girly". You know, the color pink, make-up, fashion, that kind of thing. And I didn't like girly people because "Ew why would you like that it's so girly." Again, I was a kid.

Anyways, I would like to mention that when I was little, I would always imagine myself being like... the big sister type to my favourite, almost always female, characters. I always took care of them, they depended on me and I had to make sure they felt safe. At the same time, I would day dream them fulfilling their "sexual pleasures" and doing humiliating things (which I am ashamed of thinking about). Yet, I never appeared in those day dreams. I was really more of a spectator, watching what was happening.

There was a time when I was about... 12 maybe, playing a game (also would like to point out I always played the male character in video games), I got a piece of paper, listed all of the female characters, walked to them, pretended I forcefully had sex with them, and moved on to the next girl. This is literally the most embarrassing thing that I could admit and I feel absolutely horrible that I thought this at one point in my life.

Fast forward to about a few months ago. During mid softball season (yes I played softball and I'm a big stereotype but I like softball it a fun sport and the only sport I'm good at so shush), I started having sexual feeling for a girl on my team, who was also my friend. I didn't feel this way when I first met her, it was after I had known her for almost the entire year.

I noticed I really wanted to pleasure her and make her happy. I thought about this every time I saw her. I started thinking "Hmm, maybe I like her" and started telling my best friend since 4th grade about her. She said "Maybe you're a lesbian" and I said maybe. It wasn't a big deal and I wasnt in denial or anything. I thought it was cool, since I wasn't like everybody else. After a week or so, I started to really analyze how I felt about women.

I wanted, and still do, to be the sort of "dominate" one. I wanted to hold someone in my arms and let them know I would always protect them. I wanted to be a sort of body guard, someone who was tough. Women are so delicate and gentle and easily broken, so I wanted to make sure I protected them. These thoughts made me happy inside. I started thinking, "Well, what if you could do that to a man?"

"But women are so sweet and small and dainty and cuddly!"

"Men can be like that too."

"...But women! Their hips!" (I love women's hips omfg)

So, I came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian. A month after I found that out, I came to the decision, "Alright, I can't let anyone keep me down and I don't want people to think they cant trust me. I want them to know who I really am." By this time, a few of my friend knew and they were all "cool." It really wasn't that big of a deal. They're still my friends.

So then, I made a decision that I now kind of regret. I was ready to tell my parents, but not completely. I felt like I needed more practice. So I told my grade. It's summer time, so I made a post in our grade's group on facebook. I have yet to receive any negative comments, or any really, but I also haven't come into contact with them. School starts tomorrow.

After telling my grade of about 70 people, I got the courage to tell my mother. She was fine with it, but kept asking me "Are you sure? You haven't even had any interaction with any guys. And usually when people are gay, they know when they're little, but when I asked you, you said no."

I have yet to tell my mom about my fantasies, and don't plan to, because they're personal and sexual and not something I want to tell my mother. My mom started giving me all the questions about if I'm sure or not, and now I'm confused.

I don't look at a girl and go, "wow I want to have sex with her." Except that one. There has been one girl who I'm suspicious of liking me, and I keep thinking about her, having dreams about her (sexual and romantic) and I feel like I'm starting to fall for her.

I see all these coming out stories about people who go "I see women and I just want them. Like I want to have sex with them I want them to be mine." But I guess I dont... feel that way. I have a feeling of needing to protect women, and occasionally I have a desire to want to kiss, hug, and have sexual intercourse with them. My "type" is a rare type that I have only seen in one girl. I probably just have to be less picky. But I tend to find myself falling for girls who I think like me.

I've had boys be attracted to me, but I shared no feelings. At all. They liked me and I didn't like them. That was it. I didn't think about it again. But when a girl I think is attracted to me, I start getting attracted to them.

I know none of our stories are gonna be exactly the same, its just I've found no one with any similarities at all. I wouldn't mind dating a guy, but I just feel like I wouldn't be happy. It's like I want to like girls, but I don't know if I do. And if I end up not liking them and marrying a man, everyone who I told will look at me funny.

I don't know if my "clues" are genuine, I guess is what I'm asking. Do you really think I'm a lesbian? I feel so dumb when I ask this like I feel like its obvious I am, but I have this feeling in the back of my head that I'm not. I feel like I don't have the "signs" of a lesbian that most lesbians do. I'm only 16 and very naive and I make mistakes but I just want help right now.

Thank you to anyone who read through all this. I know it's long, but I didn't want any misunderstandings. I just want to know what you guys think. Thank you.