Hi everyone, firstly I have to say I should probably have come somewhere like this a long time ago to ask the question but better late than never I guess. My story is a little long and probably confusing and some of it I guess is only indirectly related to my sexual orientation but I feel it's necessary to give all the information to give a good idea of who I am. Apologies if to some degree it falls outside what sort of topics should be discussed in this forum. Firstly I'm 28 years old and I'm a virgin. I'm actually quite an attractive guy and I'm in good shape physically. My first kiss with a girl I was aged 18 and on holidays. I think the total number of girls I've kissed in my life is 7. I've never had any gay fantasies. In general I don't think I ever really fantasize much about people in real life of either gender. I've watched a fair amount of porn and since the age of about 20 I've watched a fair amount of either woman to male strap-on or ts domination porn. I also still watch quite a bit of straight porn and I would not say I watch it to watch the men in it (if that makes sense). None of my family or friends are aware of this and all of them think I'm a (fairly inactive) heterosexual guy with a handful of sexual experiences. I have made up a few lies to back this up. Socially I have a large group of friends (all heterosexual). I went to an all-boys school from the age of 8 until I graduated. From about the age of 14 I stopped having friends in school (as in although I talked to people etc I didn't meet them outside of school). I was probably a little bit bullied but not much, I would have been quite shy and unconfident. I am a fairly intelligent guy and I was in most of the top classes in school. At the same time I became very active in an online gaming community and spent a lot of my time there. In my last year in school I started playing poker a lot with a group and became good friends with that group, that group became my core friends after this. I hated university and didn't engage with it at all. I dropped out of first one course and then another the next year and basically didn't go to class at all. I didn't like interacting socially with new people at all and this was the main reason for this. I lied to my parents about how much I went. I then spent a year working and went back again to do another course. This course I just about did enough in to graduate (it was a 3 year course). Even still for my last semester I didn't go at all and had to go in at the end of the year and make up some lies as to why I hadn't attended in order to pass. I graduated 4 years ago and after a few months got a job in something totally unrelated to my college course. Once I started work I left the online gaming community I was involved in. I was very popular in that community and also very good at the the game itself. I proved quite good at work and moved up quickly to the point where I got into a managerial position within 2.5 years. My "fear" of social interaction is basically gone now, I believe partially because my job required me to interact with new people all the time. I have zero problem chatting to strangers now. For example one of my friend's girlfriends, who has only known me for a year, finds the idea of me being socially awkward at all completely absurd. I still didn't actively pursue girls on nights out though. A month ago a group of us were out and I got told that a friend of a friend (girl) was interested in me. I asked her out. I'm not quite sure about the level of denial I was in but I was somewhat confused/worried that I would not be properly sexually attracted to her. However after the first date I went in for a kiss and found myself sexually aroused by her as it continued. In the following couple of weeks I found myself getting aroused by her/the idea of having sex with her. My thoughts then mostly switched to being useless in bed and I spent some time trying to get better at this. I have some concerns about my sexual stamina in general. Anyways we went on a few dates and on Friday night I had her over for dinner. Due to being worried about my sexual stamina I jerked off that evening before she came over. The dinner went well and we started making out while on the couch later. I proposed going to bed and we went in. However once we got down to it I found nothing was happening down below. I told her and blamed the fact I'd jerked off. She left but was actually very nice about it and is still texting me and appears to still want to go out. Emotionally the experience (and everything else behind it) screwed with me all weekend and I've spent 2 days hating myself. I honestly have no idea what to do or what orientation I am at this stage. Obviously either way what I have done with my life so far is completely screwed up. I'd definitely say I want to be straight. I don't like the concept of me being gay. I would in no way describe myself as intolerant of gay people or anything like that. I do not believe that coming out would change my family's attitudes towards me. It might change my friends' attitudes and it could possibly affect me in work. I think if I came completely clean about just how much I've lied to people at this point it would seriously affect my relationships with everyone. I have never spoken about all this to other people in my life. I think I'd have a problem saying all this face to face to someone. To some extent I thought as I was eventually able to get around the a) having no friends b) screwing up in uni and c) being socially awkward in general issues without telling anyone about them I'd be able to get around this as well. I don't think I ever really thought I was gay. My inclination at this stage is to say that my recent problem was more stage-fright related than anything else. I still find her attractive and in general the idea of being her boyfriend is really appealing to me emotionally as well. Although I don't think the amount of lying I've done is a good thing I'm not massively worried by it. Being completely honest my "fantasy" was having sex with her and losing my virginity (whilst hiding that it was my first time). In terms of this we got to a fairly advanced stage and I was doing quite well (hence her not really suspecting anything even now). I'd then just go on to live a normal life with her/some other girl. At this stage though I really don't want to hurt her if I am gay, or even if I'm not but I'm just too messed up right now to deal with any sort of relationship. In general I'm a very nice guy, I've gone out of my way to help family, friends and co-workers to the point where almost everyone loves me. None of the lies I've told have ever hurt anyone (although I accept the point that what I've done overall at this stage if revealed would almost certainly hurt people) and I'd definitely avoid them if they did. I imagine this is one of the more bizzare stories anyone has ever read but it is 100% true. Thank you for reading about my life and I would appreciate people's thoughts on my situation.
To me you sound like a straight guy who had/is having anxiety issues about his first time and possible premature ejaculation. This is not uncommon and I think if you can calm down and just go with the flow you should be fine. Something to remember re premature ejaculation - contrary to popular culture and depictions in the media, the entire show doesn't have to come to an end just because you've cum. You can cuddle, talk, laugh, or do lots of things to pleasure your partner (from full body massage to fingering to oral) for the 15 or 20min it will take for you to recharge and get hard again. It may even take less than that given your age and how turned on you may be. Think of your first orgasm as just the 'opening shot' with the potential for at least one or two more easily doable over the course of the evening. If it happens, it happens. Shrug it off, chuckle and say something witty along the lines of 'now what are we going to do to fill this time?' then see what you can do to make her feel really good. I tend to favor open and honest communication and would suggest that you be honest with her about your lack of experience, although I will understand if you'd prefer not to go there. At the least you might indicate that you don't have a lot of experience (which would be true) but would love to explore with her. This combined with wanting to show her a good time beyond just intercourse might help you learn and earn you brownie points. Relax, go with the flow, and try not to worry about your lack of experience or finishing too soon. Both of these are readily dealt with. Hope this helps, Todd
hi there delsitramea! welcome! :icon_bigg first, take a deep breath, let me tell you that you seem like a very nice and honest person and you shouldnt hate yourself! (*hug*) second, i dont think you should be questioning if you are gay or not, because you didnt said you had any interest in men whatsoever, not liking women or no arousal is not the same as being gay third, i think what aktodd said is really helpful too, you could just be having anxiety issues because of the pressure from your friends and family fourth, have you ever heard about asexuality? (not the bacteria kind lol) it means someone that does not have sexual attraction or does not have interest in sexual activity (more info here: Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia), do you think this fits your feelings? i think you should ask yourself some questions, have you ever had interest in men? do you have interest in women? do you have interest in sex? (real sex, not porn or masturbation)
