A little confundeld

Here is my story:

I am young and haven't really been in a relationship before, but I've had definite crushes (all of them male). I've experienced the heart flutter, constantly thinking about them, ALWAYS conscious of their presence, tingly sort of thing. All of those crushes were virtually one sided. For eighth grade I moved schools, and now I go to an all-girls boarding school, and there's this girl...

I'll start at the beginning. When I came to shadow at this school back in 7th grade I guess you could say it stared, there was this girl (I'll call her "N") and I just saw her for a second, but for some reason she intrigued me. Sometimes over the summer I would think of her, but not obsessively, she'd just pop into my mind sometimes. During 8th grade when I went to the boarding school I met her officially and she was really nice and awesome and everything at that time I also learned she had a thing with this girl last year , and was lesbian or at least bi. I didn't spend a lot of time with her because our classes were different classes, but always before art we would talk (we wouldn't be alone) and I would become really self-conscious and everything and I think at one point or another I started giving her some of my (killer) massages and she would make me food in return b/c the cafeteria sucked. and I guess she made me feel special and overall she had her shit together and was just an amazing person.

By this time I was crushing hard, but still a little in denial and questioning myself . During the end of the year I just thought to myself that I really did like her, that I was gay for this girl. She is the only one though, no other girl has made me think this or feel this way all giddy and everything. So the summer came and went and I thought of her constantly and made up my mind that I wouldn't let this thing just hang or die off like all my other crushes .

So this year rolls around and I think she likes me back and I get really emotionally into this and like every time i see her it effects me, like I can feel it (I feel a little hot and stuffy stuff) I start to get physically into this as well, like i'm having fucking sex dreams and shit and well yeah. I'd see her and it be like WOW and I would go to sleep thinking of her. I tried to read her signals,i guess you could call them, and try to send some of my own (this year we are in physics together and I tried to sneak some glances at her and when our eyes met i would feel this sharpness)

Eventually though, I was in Physics I realized that she might not like me and I had tried to avoid this idea, but eventually I looked harder at the situation and didn't see any good evidence that she liked me back. During the free period before lunch I hung out with her and some other people at one point I accidentally leaned into her and she said "don't touch me" not in a mean or snappy or demanding way, but it hurt bad. It hit me real hard. All during lunch I stayed in my dorm and baled like a little girl. When I had effectively recovered and headed over to my next class I, which I had with her, I sort of dulled off my emotions and ignored the stinging felling I had whenever she was near and I saw her. I've been trying to read her a little more, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me, but I am still holding on to a bit of hope before I completely let go. And I hate this feeling of uncertainty and i feel there may be something there, but over all the really sharp feelings have been dulled (though they have been building back up a little and i still think of her all the time). I feel like it was too easy to control, and I am questioning myself if I really was gay for N, or if i am bi or if it was all just physiological and shit....

So I guess what I am asking is what should I do and if i am bi Please Help

 

Thanx so much