Hello! So I've been questioning myself for a while now. A lot of thoughts have passed by during the time as to why or why not I am gay. Now I've removed all the small signs that could be a sign of anything really and I am down to the hard facts - attraction. So here's the reasons why I can't come to a conclusion: I get disgusted by seeing a vagina. My dick grows hard when I see other dicks in porn. Although I feel disgusted while looking aswell and don't want to actually do it, at least not on a conscious level. And then there is my past confusing me, I am 26 years old and always been assuming I am straight up until I started questioning a few years ago. I have had a lot of sexual encounters, which most of them ended up in me not being able to get an erection, but still being erected up until the point where it's absolutely sure we are going to have sex, by then it shrinks. I have however had 1 relationship for 1,5 years and one for 3,5 years with girls where once I was comfortable with them I was able to get an erection, don't know if we had the best sexual life, but it was existing, all the time, every week, and then how many couples sexual life is problem free? I long for a girl to have a relationship with and don't want to have one with a guy, actually I could never picture myself being romantic and stuff with a guy. I usually see the question "If you picture yourself in a world where no one is homophobic and you don't care what other people think and just do what YOU want to, what would that be?" Well, in that case I picture the girl of my dreams to spend it with. I also see the question "picture youself with a guy" and "picture yourself with a girl". And I do think I get harder from the guy fantasy even though it feels disgusting, I don't picture the male body with a personality or face though. Have I had any feelings towards guys? No, never. Well, not on a conscious level at least. I do know that there is this guy, one of my friends, who is kind of cool, has a lot of friends and a lot of fun stuff going on, and I do know I want to be his friend and want to hang out with him and take a part of all that coolness, social life and so on, although from my consciousness I'd say that's not a sexual thing and I absolutely do not want to picture myself having sex with him, yack. Then now you guys probably gonna think something like you probably have ocd or maybe you are bisexuall or something like that. And if it's up to me, I don't know it is all confusing me so much, it feels to me like I am gay judging on the penis vagina porn thing. BUT, what I do know is that I could NEVER share something like that with a guy and that I do want a girlfriend really bad. So I guess If I can't have a girl I'll go alone the rest of my melancholic life where happiness barely exists anymore, it all feels pointless. A sunny summer day with the best music in the best place to chillout with friends used to feel so good, today it's pointless. And as it is right now I don't have the guts to try it with a girl, cause it just feels like I wont be able to get an erection and I'll get caught being gay. I mean if I could picture myself with a guy, getting horny, in love, and so on, it wouldn't feel so pointless, in that case I could just not care what everyone is thinking about me as long as I am in love and with the person I love, can't see that going down though. Is my denial and internalized homophobia rooted extremely hard? Or is this the straight in me talking? What should I do with my pointless life................................?
Why is it so disgusting to see yourself with a guy? Is it just because you have always wanted to be with a girl? I tried very hard to make things work out with women. I always ended up hurting them. How many women have you hurt? I want to invite you to watch a movie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys5TyY8RaxI See if you don't see yourself in the movie.
It sounds to me like you just want things to be normal. I don't think the white picket fence and 2 car garage fantasy is just for girls. Does that sound a little like you anyway? It also sounds like you're willing to admit to us that you find men attractive, and don't really find women attractive. I personally would hold off before pursuing anything with a woman for that reason. I think, if you do try to get in any kind of relationship with a woman, you would probably be happier down the line if you could tell her what you told us. At the least, that you're still sorting things out and do find men attractive. I know it's not easy and it might limit your options, but I would look at it like filtering out all the wrong ones. The right one might even stay on as your friend if you do come out as gay, and having friends when you're coming out is invaluable. As far as the rest of it, I don't have any attraction to men at all, but I did go through a questioning phase when I was working on coming out to myself as trans. And I totally remember how hard it was to get past that mental block and think about "another" guy, you know, in that way. I really feel like for me a huge part of it is the way people talk about it. It's the way people put things, like "sucking a dude's dick" or "getting fucked in the ass", and the way they are treated like the worst thing that can happen to a person. You really can't help but take some of those things in and believe them. People don't say "making love" or "having sex", even though that's a lot closer to what it is. Things that feel good to say at the time aside. And you know, you always see gay men on T.V. with the really pronounced lisp etc. And you're probably thinking, this isn't me at all. Honestly it isn't most people. That pressure is also what kept me in the closet (for me, as trans) for so long, and a huge part of why I got into a relationship with a straight woman. I let her know before we got together I cross dressed, but there were still some things I wouldn't admit to myself, let alone her. And those things, when they came out, hurt both of us a lot. But I know they would have hurt even more if I hadn't told her what I did know about myself at the beginning. What I can say is that if you are gay, you wouldn't have to imagine what it would be like to be accepted. Because to one person - and all their friends - you would be. If you did find someone that accepted you and loved you, there would be someone going through all of it with you, that had your back. They'd care about you being happy and doing what you wanted to do with your life. There really is nothing wrong with liking men. I think, if anything, I see men who are willing to stand up to all that crap and admit to liking another man as even more manly than straight or closeted men. Just whatever you decide please don't be what you think other people want you to be your whole life. That trick doesn't work forever. I and people much better at it than me have tried and failed. If you just need more time to figure yourself out, then that's what you need. I really hope you find yourself, and someone you can love
hey man, it might be comforting to know that I believe I am going to through roughly the same thing as yourself..in my case it, it was not a lack of erection but rather a nervous hookup which led me to be extremely awkward during. I have never been one for the casual sex hookup and would much rather be in a relationship with the right girl then hookup with someone who I am not extremely attracted to. either way, we both have shared our stories here and have gotten a decent amount of responses. most of them saying that we are somewhere between a straight and maybe a bit curious; a Kinsley 1 if you will. maybe it's time we just accept that ? and try and move on.
First of all thanks a lot for your answers! Also I'd like to add if I come of harsh I don't mean any offence to anyone out there, I don't care if someone else is something different from the "norm", I just can't see it for myself. Yes, that's the only thing I can see, can't see it with a man. and to biggayguy I don't know, hard to say, it just seems very wrong to me, I don't want to be with another man in that way, it gives me the creeps, it feels wrong. anon12 I am also the type that rather go for a relationship than one night stands, simply cause of the fact that I am pretty much unable to do one night stands, although it works sometimes. And about the moving on thing, for me it will become confusing though, cause if I move on, I start to go out and such again and then I get interested in a girl and then I want to have a relationship with her but then I have my problems with maybe not being able to get it up. Allthough I only 2-3 months ago had a sexual relationship with a girl for about a month, but it worked half okay, I couldn't get it up occasionally, but often it worked. And then im back here again being terrified for it to happen again so I stay inside. Hiding from being caught. ..... I don't know, it's confusing as hell. And also lets say I move on from it, and continue with my life, that would mean I would never look at guys in real life, never crush on them and so on, maybe masturbate to the big dick section and tell myself I look at the girls really wanting it(which could be the case but from my viewpoint where im at right now, no) ..... You see....? Allthough I know that if I just had a girl like say almost like the ones I had for 1-2 or 3-4 years that I successfully had sex with, I would not need anything else in my life. At least on a conscious level. Can you see the confusion?
I think you're focusing too much on the sexual aspect of being with someone. Do you think you could fall in love with a woman and live happily ever after with her? Or would you still feel the need to occasionally masturbate to men? I mean, I'm sure there are some heterosexual men out there who can appreciate a nice sized penis, but it is something to look into. I just don't think it's as common as it is for some straight women who can masturbate to lesbian porn, yet they would never think about hooking up with a woman. I'm actually curious though, what made you start questioning?
Well, I remember thinking one time when I was around 20 when I took mushrooms I thought to myself "now ill probably realize im gay", I don't know its kind of been in me for a while. but it hasn't affected my life that much since just 1-2 years ago, just recently its really taking over my life. I don't know I guess I realize I liked to see dicks in porn, it was a turn on. But I still always looked at straight porn and still do(unless im checking gay porn out to see if it does something to me) and I always was under the belief that I thought I liked to see girls get big dicks, and how they enjoyed it, and that that was the turn on. Guess I still somehow have the thought that that might be the case to, its just really vague these days. And about the other question, I never feel the need to check out guys, I never check out gay porn and like to watch it, it's just to check if I get turned on or not. and I definitely think I would not feel the need for a man or masturbate to man if I had an active sex life with a woman, IF it works. But I don't know, maybe me seeing dicks in porn meanwhile having an active sex life with a girl made me feel sexually satisfied, on a not conscious level. and I guess I have to add the fact to that it very often not works with girls as to why I started questioning.
Do you feel disgusted because of what other people say, or is it just the idea of a dick that is getting to you? If it's the later then it's pretty normal, most people have "gross" thoughts about sex whether they're gay or straight.
To be honest I'm going through the same thing as you. Although I think I have tamed it enough for a small shock of me being a little upset for a little bit as my thoughts tend to over power me. At first it used my fantasies and thoughts used to make me sick to the core(anxiety symptom I think) but after a while it just became a lot more relaxed and I became comfortable with the possibilty of being gay. Although currently I'm uncomfortable with some of people as they seem to just wanna fuck anything male. Just by becoming comfortable and open to the possibilty should help you loads, it sucks not being able to fall asleep at night. Just don't ignore thoughts and feelings you have, you just gonna end up robbing yourself of happiness and probably sounding like a Smashing Pumpkins album(I like the band,although very melancholic) Happy trails friend
Thanks a lot for all your answers, it means a lot! Well, pretty hard question. If I just do(watch men and masturbate), don't think, what will physically happen is I will get an erection and eventually and orgasm. If I think about what I feel, I think it's weird and creepy. I guess that my thoughts could be the social imprintment and what is actually happening physically speaking(putting aside my thoughts) is how I am wired. I don't really know if it is because of what other people say. But I guess it is very possible it has rooted deep inside from what other people say. But when I think about it though, I think that I don't want to have sex with a male. Could be denial playing tricks on me though.
