I am engaged to an incredible woman. She is very attractive, kind, successful, etc. We have similar goals for the future, diets, family values, interests, and religion. Sounds perfect, right? But I am afraid I might be straight and want to have a family/spend my life with a man. No man in particular, just the idea of a man. The details: I am 31, have been out for 6 years, am accepted by family, at work, and by friends. We have been together for 2 years. I have had great sex with men and great sex with women. I find some men attractive, and I find some women attractive. I like the idea of the balance a heterosexual relationship brings. I like the close dynamic that a homosexual relationship brings. We are supposed to get married in just over 6 weeks, and I am FREAKING OUT. I lie awake at night and wonder if I will always long for a "normal" heterosexual life. I worry that my future children will resent me for not having a father. And I wonder if I broke this off and lived straight, if I would feel like I threw away a great relationship to fit society's standards. Is this internalized homophobia, or am I really straight?? Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful! ---------- Post added 10th Sep 2013 at 05:11 PM ---------- I want to add one other thing - I was happily straight until I was 25 and decided to "experiment." I never felt different as a kid or knew something strange was going on inside me. Most gays say they knew something was different or had some "aha!" moment when they were young - I never had that. I am sporty, but feminine.
Rest assured .. Men are pigs. In all seriousness , the desire to have what your parents had is natural. They were your model for a married couple and you are afraid you cannot be them.. Could you be boring and straight again?
I would focus on your partner and what you do have rather than your imagination and what you don't have. I mean if you love your soon-to-be wife, I mean, are really in love with her, and enjoy being intimate with her surely this should be what governs your decision, not whether you might be happy with a guy, or whether some hypothetical children will be angry at you for being in a lesbian relationship. You should make the decision on what you know to be true not what you think might be true. That's all any of us can go on. The grass isn't always greener over yonder, it's just the mundanity of life can make it seem that way. It's just perception not reality. Then again if you aren't really in love with this woman, and don't really enjoy being intimate with her, then that is obviously an issue that needs to be confronted before you get married. From the little bit of info you have given though that doesn't seem to be the case, it seems like you are just comparing an imagined set of idealised circumstances to the actuality of your real life and placing more weight on the imagined over the real. But hey, that's just my perception Hope it all goes well for you.
Do you love your soon to be wife? Do you see a future with her? Or do you see yourself being happier with a man? If being gay was normal, would you feel that way?
I'd say if the only thing wrong with your relationship is you, you should give your future some thought. Jitters before a wedding are normal, wondering if you're with the right sex is probably normal too. It's okay to be bisexual, I for one can't imagine how someone could not be. I'd say all things being equal, the woman you love is already in love with you. And you'll have a great future together. If you're attracted to both sexes, and are considering the opportunity cost, think about it like hair color. Yes, you might not be marrying a blond but you (presumably) love this brunette and she loves you too. Isn't that love, that connection, more important than anything else?
I find that racist. About the actual post, you sound bisexual. So you'd be fine with either a man or woman. Don't worry so much!
I don't think it was intended to be genuinely sexist. I think it was intended to lighten the mood. Anyway, try to imagine that the wedding isn't looming over your head. If you had to be stuck on an island for the next 40 years with one person, is it her?
Thank you all SO much for your thoughts. I do think you're right, I'm probably bisexual, and I'm totally comfortable with that. I'll have to talk to my partner about it, but I think she may identify somewhere closer to the middle of the spectrum too, so it's not that big of a deal. I am definitely sensing some internalized homophobia, because if our future marriage were "normal," I wouldn't have any of the anxiety I'm experiencing. Maybe I'd think of something else to be anxious about, haha. I would love to spend 40 years on an island with her! Going to try to stop over-thinking and over-analyzing things now...
Remember, If she makes you happy and you have an amazing life together and a strong emotional bond, why throw it away? If on the other hand, you didnt feel genuinely happy, then you should follow your heart and do what does make you happy. But what you have sounds like a fulfilling relationship. Good luck
Sounds like u r bi since u said u have had great sex with both genders and that u find both genders attractive
Well I would explore in detail what you really feel about being with a man. Sometimes I think you can obsess about an outline of an idea without really thinking it through and realising that there are some details that are just not appealing. Like making online friends, you fill in a lot of gaps without knowing them in person...it's easy to paint a picture in your mind that could be actually quite far from reality. Example... have you thought in detail about being very intimate with a man? and compared to how intimate you are with your fiancé ?and do you think you and a man would want the same thing in bed, as you do with your fiancé ? I think everyone before or during marriage is going to have cold feet anyway...just at the mere thought of being confined to one person for the rest of your life. Now because you love her, and you have already explored this same sex relationship ...is it possible you are only curious/obsessing about being with a man because it is the thing you do not have? As a person who has just had this thrown at me... I'm going through what your partner would be going through if you were to announce this feeling to her. I would expect feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and hurt.... and I'm sure you need support but it might be difficult for her to provide it. You should be honest to your feelings but you've got to ascertain what they are. See a professional asap... before talking to your fiancé.
Well when you get engaged and you are about to get married, you should be truly sure that you really love this person and that you're certain that you can continue being in a dedicated relationship with him/her. Perhaps just have some time to yourself and decide on things because marriage is an important stage in your life. As some of the above mentioned, you could be bi and like both genders. It isn't a train smash at all
Well if you truly love her...where is the question? Do you think that if you wanted a family that you couldn't find a sperm donor and have children that way? Or adopt?
