So, I am going to write down my situation as truthfully as I can, and I want you all to tell me what you think. The honest truth. I am tired of thinking about this and an outsider's opinion would be AWESOME. I currently believe I am a bisexual male but even that I am very uncertain of. Anyway, please bear with me--- First things first. I come from a *very* Christian household and community, so keep that in mind as I give you a bit of my history. Growing up as a kid I would get boners pretty much only by looking at shirtless men. This probably started in the summer between 5th and 6th grade... I didn't know what these boners meant, I just knew that shirtless men tended to make things stir down south. This attraction progressed throughout middle school and high school... and I developed a particular preference for larger, beefier, more muscular men. Guys' big pecs, arms, legs... any of that was a huge turn on for me. I started to watch gay porn and liked it. I've known that these attractions could mean that I am gay for a very long time... certainly as soon as early high school. I just kind of... shoved them aside. As I said, I come from a big Christian family and always have (and still do) identify as the same. Obviously there was a bit of a conflict on interest. All of my best friends were hooking up with girls, so naturally I have that a go as well. From 7th grade until my junior year in high school, I was not able to achieve a single boner from hooking up with a girl. I think part of it might have been performance anxiety, but I suppose a good amount of it was a lack of attraction. *HOWEVER*, my senior year I finally settled down with a girl I particularly liked and we dated for about 6 months. She was pretty prude, and we never did anything besides me taking her top and bra off, but I WAS able to get a boner with her. I was attracted to her in some way. To this day, I'm still not even sure in what way it was. I loved kissing her and fooling around a little bit with her. It was the first time I had even been aroused by a woman... and I was very excited about it. Regardless, we broke up before we went to college. I hooked up with girls in college too, finally got some handjobs and a blowjob from girls but was never able to orgasm. Sophomore year I even had a girlfriend with whom I really think I was genuinely attracted to... I lost my virginity to her FINALLY after a few weeks of me struggling to get it up. And even though we dated for almost 4 or 5 months and had sex relatively regularly... I was NEVER able to orgasm. We eventually split up before my junior year due to reasons that had nothing to do with our sex life. I then go through my junior and senior years in college having sex with probably 6 or 7 more girls, still, no orgasms with them. Also, on many MANY more occasions I had the opportunity to have sex with girls but I simply could NOT get it up. Some of it could have to do with the fact that I was VERY VERY drunk, I think. Anyway... moving on the the next part. During all of this time I was still watching gay porn, so I decided I should probably test that out. I hooked up with a guy after my freshman year in college. It was a strange experience and I'm not sure if I enjoyed it even in the moment. It was arousing, and it is the only time in my life another person has helped me to orgasm (by means of a handjob), but it was a stranger I met on the internet that was 5 years older than me. Dangerous... I know... I got lucky I suppose. The strange thing was that I really did NOT like giving head (I LOVE watching blowjobs with porn). I was pretty grossed out by it and had to stop after a few seconds of trying it. I HATED MYSELF after this experience. I was very disappointed. Extremely unfulfilled and even more confused. I didn't hook up with another guy until my senior year in college. I also met this guy online, but I actually got to know him a bit online before we met up. He was good looking with a big dick, perhaps a bit too feminine for my liking, but he was a nice guy. We met up and the encounter was very disappointing. Making out with him was not that electrifying, and I had a hard time maintaining an erection. I tried giving him a blowjob but it was not satisfying for me at all and I had to stop. I had hoped that it would be some sort of eye opening thing for me, but it wasn't. So now I am where I am now... still super confused. I mean, I jack off still almost only to gay porn. It is guys' muscles and whatnot that catch my eye on the street. I CAN fantasize about having sex with women and have great orgasms to that too, however. But it is more sensual/making love type sex scenarios. I can't really fantasize to the idea of banging a girl raw or *@#$ing her... ya know? It's more romance involved haha. Anyway, I don't know guys, I just need some help dissecting this. Sorry about the novel.
It does sound like you are Bisexual. Maybe a certain gender over the other. Do you think there is any other information that would help?
Not that I think you're mental, but have you thought about seeing a therapist? Could it be some sort of repression or anxiety you're suffering that keeps you from finding satisfaction in sexual encounters with either sex? Have you considered that you may be asexual? Or could it be the hook-up sex that you seem to stumble with - maybe you really just need a deeper connection to find real fulfillment with another person. There are many many people in EC that describe such needs and feelings.
Do you think it's possible that you're asexual? You don't seem to have been aroused by many, if any, of the sexual encounters you've had, with either men or women. That was my initial reaction anyway.
