Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, we have a registered partnership since 4 years ago, but since 1.5 years we broke up and although we stopped living together we never stopped talking and sharing. I truly love her but I am not sure I love her enough to start a family with her and spend the rest of my life or at least a good deal of it with her. She has been my only girlfriend as before I used to date guys. When we met I was amazed with her and soon totally in love. Sex was amazing and very frequent. Two years after we met we moved to her country. Soon after we arrived, we decided to sign a registered partnership, I was really happy but also sad that I could not share it with my family -as I only came out of the closet after the partnership- nor with any friends -as I did not have many of them in my new country. She's older than me and she s totally ready to form a family and wants to do it with me. I have been doubting since years back, and that was the main reason I decided to brake up last year. Also, sex was not frequent at all, but in many occasions it was my fault. Since we split up, our lives have turned apart, but somehow we kept very close contact (without really getting back). Also, lately I became aware I also had some internalized homophobia. When we broke up 1.5 years ago, I had some rebound sex with a guy. It lasted a couple of months (coming and going), sex was great but I was never interested in having a relationship. For this reason I stopped seeing him, and eventually I kind of went back with my girl/ex but we never moved in together and then we broke up again. After we broke up the last time, she became pregnant. On the one hand I was happy because I know she wanted it. On the other hand I did not know what to do. I felt like frozen, paralyzed. After the news about her pregnancy she moved to another city where she now has a nice house; she's preparing for the baby, making her nest. She wanted to have a baby for some time, and although she would prefer to have it with me, she is ready to do it alone. Today we had a long talk and I need to decide if I want to stay with her. We both have the problem of not letting go, she also knows that from herself. But, I doubt if I can really stay with a woman/her for the rest of my life. Not sure if its because she s a woman or because of her. I know that I like sex with men (and feel more free in bed with them) but I think (or I though I did) I cant really have a long term relationship with them. I think men are too complicated, too needy and I dont like the usual roles. I dont want to hurt my girlfriend any more. I love her too much and I feel embarrassed and ashamed of realizing that my past actions have hurt her. I also know that I tend to reject the persons who love me the most. I try to runaway and try to deny a situation. But I know I have never felt more loved before, and I have never felt the wish to stay in contact with someone and take care of that person so much as I do with her. I have never felt the wish to share my everyday experiences so often with someone as I do with her. I just doubt that I will not stand a quiet life with her and a baby. I doubt if I will be able to be faithful, and wont feel tempted to flirt with men and have sex with them (although in the last 6 months I have been single and I did not have any desires to be with anyone else). I would appreciate to hear if anyone has had a similar experience like mine. Its very difficult for me to talk about this as I dont have any lesbian friends or other friends and family with whom to talk about my love life in much detail....so thanks in advance for your input!
I've never been in the same situation as yours but I definitely know what it's like to experience internalized homophobia. In fact, I still cannot accept that I am a lesbian even though I know that I am. In regards to your situation, when you were happy with your girlfriend/ex did you feel complete? Or did you feel like something was missing? And how about when you were with men? Even though you have been with your girl for seven years, you can still identify as bisexual, as you seem to have attraction to men. You need to think really hard and look deep into your heart and see where your heart lies. Could you see yourself living a life without her? Remember love and strong connections are hard to find so if your relationship had everything you wanted and your ex and yourself shared a strong connection then fight for it. It's your life, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, do not listen to your internalized homophobia and allow yourself to be free and happy. Good luck figuring it out. I hope someone else replies also, as I'm not as experienced.(*hug*)
Hi Priide, thanks for your answer. I do have a strong connection with my gf/ex, the bad thing is that since our brake up we have become a bit distant which is logical, but we continued having a close connection. I know that we have a really good 'base' for our relationship, we love and value each other, we know each otherquite well.....my doubts are actually a bit 'superficials'...nevertheless relevant for every day's life. Sex became quite scarce and without much passion (also because of my internalized homophobia). I know I like adventure and to try the limits...and she s not really like that, although we use to do some nice things in the first years. Besides that she doesnt like to go out much and tends to only do stuff related to work, family or a few friends. She s 8 years older than I am, and maybe because we live in a new country -for me-, we dont have friends in common, except 1 straight couple. These things are not real problems, but do affect every days life....therefore my doubts about being able to stay together with her for a long long period.
Im going to agree with you when you say that all those problems are superficial. You either fix them if you truly want this relationship to work or end it. Do you feel like you could be sexually complete with your ex? Because just because you're not currently having much sex doesn't mean it's going to last forever. You need to work at it, spice things up, as does she. However it's going to be tricky now that she is pregnant. Are you ready for that family life? If you don't have friends, make some. If she isn't as sociable, go without her or ask her to compromise and go out wit you sometimes, tell her it's important to you. You will probably make friends with other mummies the child's school. As I'm sure you know, it's all up to you from now onwards. Hope it helps. But all the problems you talked about happen to every couple, gay or straight or bisexual. Just be honest to yourself and do what's best for you.
In all honesty, I think you should take time apart to figure out what you want out of life. And given that she is 8 years older than you, you and her obviously want different things and that's fine. You are still young and I think that you should really take this time to figure out what's important to you in life. Not only that, you sound like you are still very attracted to men; again, there's nothing wrong with that. I get that you've been with her for many years, but your needs come first in this sort of situation. You're in this new country and you haven't quite adjusted well to it and I don't think you ever will. So, perhaps you should move back home if possible. I understand that you've invested so much into this relationship, but you don't seem happy. I could be totally wrong, but like PRiiiide said, you have to be honest with yourself and do what is best for you.
Priiide, thanks a lot once again, you do ask the rights questions, many of them I have been asking myself since some time ago, and even if its difficult and I sometimes cant disentangle between what I really want and my defense mechanism of rejecting what I want&love, I try to keep focus and deeply try to figure out what I want and how I want to live my life....it's not easy. Pinklov3ly, thanks for your thorough answer, you have pointed out some really good recommendations, I appreciate that and I am trying to accept more my needs instead of neglecting them a bit because I want to take care of the people I love. ...As mentioned in my status, I consider myself Bi (which has been a process of accepting myself) so I know that I like guys, but only to have sex as I also know I cant really establish a sentimental&romantic relationship with men. This has been a process and openly writing in this forum helps me with that. As mentioned before, I realize -with much pain and shame- that I do have some internalized homophobia, and this hurts. I didnt believe it could be true, but I ended up trying to accept it (work on it) as sometimes I reject what also gives me pleasure, love&certainty and then I start a battle against myself, of trying to reject what I love. It's funny and ridiculous to realize that lust and sex can be more of a comfort zone than love.
