Jewish and gay... :(

This is my first time ever posting on these forums so I apologize if I'm too long or boring or whatever.

I'm here because I truly don't know if I'm straight or gay. My entire life I grew up in an all boys school. I don't think I ever talked normally to a girl in my life. Obviously I said things like "oh sorry" to a girl after bumping her, or "can I please borrow an egg" to the neighbor next door. But I don't know any girl personally. The only thing that stops me from labeling myself as gay is that I can't do it until I finally get to college and I'm around girls and then I might be able to tell if I'm really attracted to them. (I'm 18 btw)

I never truly felt I was gay my whole life, I just never felt an attraction towards girls. But around two years ago my friends were horsing around and they showed me this magazine with a very provocative woman on it. They were all like, "dude she's so hot right?". I obviously said yes but honestly, it was the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life. Those big boobs were gross and her butt as so distorted and overall hot girls are a big turn off for me. I have no idea what straight guys feel when they look at a hot girl, they get boners?

Then around last year I developed a crush on a straight friend of mine and it's been hell since then. You probably know how bad a straight crush is so I won't get into that. I'm still in school for him and I still have feelings for him so I'm just very miserable these days.

In addition I don't like sports, I'm an introvert, not very social, I like cooking, I like decorating and stuff. I KNOW all this stuff suggests that I should be gay but I can't just label myself until I'm actually around girls.

And lastly I'm an Orthodox Jew which means I practice the strictest Judaism. I know that the statistics say 1/10 of people are gay yet I don't think theres anyone in my school thats remotely gay. My entire Jewish community is so freaking homophobic about it. My parents would for sure kick me out of the house, disgusted to raise such a child. Most, if not all of my friends (who are all Jewish) would probably never talk to me again. I don't think I'll ever truly find someone in my life to meet. I'm staying with my parents for college too so theres no chance I can get a boyfriend. and then there's the question if I can remain a faithful orthodox jew while being gay. To be honest, I don't even know whats right anymore. Everyone on these online forums say gay is not a sin and stuff yet I read articles the Jews and they say how being gay is a sin and a "perversion of nature". I can imagine if I came out my parents would probably pay for conversion therapy (which I would NEVER go through). They would think it'd work, that's how sickening it is. The other option I see is to drop my religion. I cant see myself doing that I've been raised as Jewish and I dont think I can bite into a cheeseburger (non-kosher) without feeling horrible guilt.

I'm just so miserable lately because I feel like there's no future for me. I'm hopelessly in love with my straight friend so whenever I see him I just get depressed because I know theres no way me and him will ever be able to go out.

Sorry that its really long thank you if you read all the way here, if you can give any advice it'd be really appreciated