I don't know if I'm gay Hello everybody! I'm a 13 year old girl, I love drawing, i love acting, I'm a redhead, and I'm known for being naturally hilarious and well mannered. i suppose I sound like a pretty normal girl, but i'm not so sure that I am anymore. Let's start from the top shall we? Back in the beginning of middle school, I had a huge crush on a guy!! I was head over heels for him, and when he asked me out, I felt my face turn hot and I felt like that happiest girl on the planet. I was literally squealing to myself. But, during the entire relationship, he hardly said a word to me. In the middle of the relationship, I started to feel a bit, different. I still liked him, but the feeling wasn't so strong anymore, and I was starting to have, vivid, and different thoughts. Anyway, I was staring to think about girls, and I actually caught myself watching porn! WHAT. I clicked the wrong video on youtube and it was of two blonde girls making out. Shamefully, I watched the whole thing. Mainly, it was because of the odd feeling I got: the throbbing, the weird knot in my stomach. I wanted it to stop, but yet, I didn't. I was actually questioning myself before this video, but this moment was when I really started thinking. Later on, he broke up with me for another girl in which he treated like a princess. I have never felt so crushed in my entire life. For a while, I kept the possibility of me having some sort of same sex interest at the back of my head. Next year was seventh grade, when the questioning continued. Many of my friends were bisexual. Most of them, were girls. I haven't told any of them about my questions, and my odd curiosity. I just kept it to myself. A majority of the group have had a crush, or even had a relationship with another girl. I didn't have any crushes for any gender that year. But now looking back, my friends would often give me kisses on my cheek, or scot closer to me when we were sitting on the bleachers or at lunch. Usually, the kisses on my cheeks were like pecks, but they happened very often, usually when I said something funny or felt alone. I hadn't experienced any romantic interest or any curious thought about any of them, but sometimes I would have a feeling they had something for me. All of the girls at school would talk behind their backs in my classes and the locker room. They would gag at the word "lesbian." I was already weird enough, and already close enough to being one of their victims, would me being gay declare me an official victim of the preps? I was really asking questions at this point, especially over summer break that year. It's actually embarrassing how many online quizzes I took, how many articles I've read, how many Yahoo Answers I've looked at, and how many "How I found out I was gay" videos I watched on YouTube. The most frustrating things were the fantasies. One night, I imagined having sex with a girl, and I would imagine how it would be like, or how you could actually have sex with a girl. Again, the throbbing and the knot came back. I haven't even seen the girl I imagined before. I tried to imagine it with one of my gay friends, but just like that, the throbbing immediately stopped. It was odd. I've fantasized about boys too. But instead of sexual intercourse, it would be romantic, and would oh-so delicately strum my heartstrings. It's made up of soft, warm kisses, holding each other close, tenderness, care, passion, and sometimes (this is going to sound silly), adventures. THe person who I imagined in the fantasy is confidential, but I felt something for him,ever since before seventh grade. MOVING ON. Anyway, I never felt the throbbing in these fantasies, though, sometimes I feel a little aroused if I can hold the fantasy for a certain amount of time. I don't really want to be homosexual. I want a husband, and kids, a man to cuddle with me when I'm older (THAT SOUNDS WEIRD COMING FROM A 13 YEAR OLD LOL), someone to keep me protected, and I feel safe with. I can really only imagine a male in this spot, but I just don't know. I watched another video of girls kissing, and I had no feeling what-so-ever. no throbbing, no knot, nope. In fact, my stomach actually did a summersault. I don't know if that means anything, but I thought that it could help a little bit. I haven't fantasized about girls the same way for quite a while, but sometimes I still get a terrible feeling that says that I am. To make matters worse, my mom and dad are starting to go to church more often, and it's making me a little scared. If I do turn out to be homosexual on some degree, I might have to hide it until they stop going to church. After a while of questioning, and still not knowing what I am yet (bi-curious? bi? gay? straight?) I decided to try and find a place where people actually understand what I'm going through; I found this webpage. If you guys can help me through my little "self-exploration" phase, it would greatly be appreciated. :help: Thanks you guise I will give you a cookie for helping ^.^
First things first, who do you feel about these thoughts? Meaning do you feel aroused? Arousal and attraction go hand in hand and very rarely point in the other direction despite it, also; it is notable to mention that straight people have homosexual thoughts every now and again and literally mean nothing because they feel nothing, why they have them and what purpose could be many but I can tell you this, comparing others' self awareness of their own sexual orientation is the WRONG thing you can do, everyone has their own means and ways to figure it out. The video could have given you a nervous feeling in your gut which is what it sounds like but for all I know it could be butterflies in your tummy, I also know that 70% of women who identify as straight have admitted to having lesbian crushes in the past, some men have admitted to this as well; basically discussing Sexuality is not so clean cut and dry to figure out and takes time and assessment as to how you feel. The only thing that legitimately raises a red flag for ME is the mentioning of religion in your family, tell me; how religious are they? Do you want a man to make YOU happy or THEM happy because they expected YOU to do it and assumed your sexual orientation? Try thinking of yourself in a relationship between both; one a man and one a woman without letting other peoples opinions and go by how you feel, which do you feel better in? Having the protection, comfort, and safeguard is also available in a woman's part as well and can easily construed some women to fully accepting their lesbian. So forget everything you THINK you know about sexuality, think about how you can do it and once you find out, go with the flow.
Hey! All of this is totally normal. I like girls romantically and sexually, but recently I've found myself to be attracted to boys more as well, which just goes to show how fluid and changing sexuality can be. Labels are confusing, right?! You don't have to put a label on what you feel like "exclusively homosexual" or "bisexual", you could just leave yourself to love and lust over whoever you fall for/feel attracted to, no matter what their gender. However, if it makes you feel secure, a label would be good. I'd say that you sound like you're bisexual with a preference for boys, but in the end it's up to you to figure out, and with time it'll come to you, just don't stress about it! Best of luck x
Thanks AyaLou! I do get very confused and almost frustrated with what to label myself as, but I think your interpretation of what I am seems almost like what I am, or at least very close to it. I feel much better now, and I am very VERY young still, so I have much to learn and lots of time! Thank you (*hug*)
I don't know, I'd give it more thought, to me it sounds like you found out something that you did not like and are holding on to what ever anybody tells you and it just may not be true, again; this is the best time in your life to question, so really; think about it.
I guess you're right unknown, I'll try to put more thought into it, I'm just very eager to find out, but I have to give myself time. I feel like I really need advice/suggestions of what I am though, because it's gotten to the point where I feel stuck, and almost desperate to figure out what I am. The answer seemed to be similair to what I am, but after reading your feedback I'm starting to rethink everything. I'll try to think about it some more, but I do already realize it's not something I'm going to find overnight. It'll take a lot of thought, but I will think this through more.
I was like you once, I was afraid that I could have been gay or something else entirely, I had my chances back in high school to experiment and find out who I am and what I really like, but I did not and look what happened a year after graduation, I found myself doubting everything; including my sexuality which was a big revelation to me. It is not too late for you to find out how you feel and what your attractions are and what you like altogether, you're at the spiffy age of where you can experiment all you'd like and do it all by yourself! So basically; take the time to explore your attractions and enjoy the ride as much as possible.
Don't put any pressure on yourself just work out who you are and how u feel you are only young but this is normal I went through this before I discovered I was gay.
