Random thoughts on identity; a little opinion from outside my head please ?

Please, do not take any of this content personnally, it is just plainly the words on my feelings... I don't know what to do with all this inside my head, and I need a little support, if you have time for me


"I'm bisexual." Wait, it does mean that I'd have to feel something for men.
Like, they'd attract me somehow.
Deep down, do they really turn me on ?

Yes, I have enjoyed some sex with them.
But some - only some.

Otherwise, the penis just looks plainly aggressive to me. There is no magic in it for me. No complexity. No desire for the D, absolutely none. No, really. Oh, wait, maybe not, then; Maybe I'm just a lesbian.

Do I hate men ? I don't feel interested in men. They just plainly don't spark any desire in me; I do not feel any want nor need to get to know them, I really don't. They just don't interest me. While girls, ah girls. They're just so fickle, and so interesting and so cute, then so charming, then so elegant, so fascinating, and curvy, and mysterious and playful, and interesting, and they shine, they always have something; and they're so feminine, and I don't feel pressured - pressured to look good and charm them, no.

I actually don't know how to flirt with men because I don't really want to. See, that's why I told my friend I don't know how to flirt; I know how to flirt, I know perfectly how, it just won't come naturally with men. That is the point, that is the reason I can not imagine myself trying to seduce a hot guy: in my head, there is no "hot guy". There isn't even a stereotype nor an ideal.

"And why do you flirt with me like this, woman ?" Do you not know that some people might actually get turned on if you give them the look ? And do you not know that they might have this electric feeling passing through their body if you touch them innocently? I'm like an energy ball; I've got all this electricity inside of me. And then, women, they just do that, they don't care, 'tis normal, right ?

Wait, now I love my friends. I always said I loved them. I can't refuse the love I feel any longer. I've always said it's friendship; but sometimes, deep down, there has been moment of certainty; it was more than friendship.

Wait, I think my first love was a girl.
I don't look at boys instinctively.

Then, why, why am I having these thoughts ?

Why - they're my friends, dear lord, I feel disrespectful. So disrespectful. And ashamed. I should know, though; I used to tell them myself how friendship could never work between a man and a woman. And now, now, I find myself in that very position, only that, well.. It's another women. It's always been girls and women for me. Always.

And then, I don't know. I feel like a threat to my friends.
So I hide, I hide inside and I don't accept my feelings, I refuse them, because if I accept them, they're going to lead me to disappointments. They will, they already have several times. It is much easier to play pretend; it is much easier to be normal, you know. It is even much easier for me to play a slutty role - yes, she's an easy girl.
But she isn't happy.
She's looking for comfort, you know.
Because deep down, she knows that the ones she loves, the one she wants, she's not going to have them. They're straight, sadly, oh well.

I feel confused. I feel so ashamed that I fancy people that are so close to me.
I cannot tell them I fancy them, because then they'll be afraid. They have been, for some, already.
And now, I want to be myself. I want to, I would love to just get out of the door and say I'm whatever I am, I think you're great. And I would love to just be able to flirt with people even that close to me, because well, it is a natural thing in social life, you know ? A men will try to get the girl and all, he will flirt and all. But I'm not allowed to be flirty, I'm not allowed to express myself and react, I do not allow myself to live this identity I've found out.
I know I've said I was bisexual to some close friends.
You know what ? I made a mistake, you guys.
I just wanna take it back and just be me. I just wanna be me, and don't wanna feel socially pressured to feel attracted by men, nor even to try and seduce them and improve my flirtation skills, blablabla. Damn, I know this about myself.
And I don't want it.
Because I can't live it.
And it's driving me insane every single night

 

Wow, that is a powerful answer ! Thank you, thank you for answering.

I feel understood in every ways, but I have to admit that it it scary.

Scary to even admit that I'm a lesbian or bisexual, or I don't even know how to label this and it is not what really matters now I guess, it's confusing anyways; because, I guess I am just plainly attracted to girls and all, and it doesn't happen with men, for real. Let's just stick to that...

I guess I have no choice but accept it, as I definitely can't be a loner; I've tried but I'm rather a social person. I can't just go around and avoid everyone...
It's like there is this huge gap under my feet, I'd just have to jump and embrace myself that's waiting on the other side, really.

But meanwhile, everyone knows/sees me as a straight girl; I'm just straight, you know, no one believes that it is just a mask. I've built this identity for people to accept me, to make it easier for me to live with people, it started a long time ago really... And now, now I'm just there, telling myself that I've grown a lie, a beautiful, huge and sticky lie. Because obviously, it was so easy to pretend all along, so easy to just be so obviously straight. Even my mum says she feels I'm made for men, you know; I talked about the possibility to be bisexual, but she says it's not me, bladiblah.
What if, for one thing in my life about myself that I'm sure about, is that I feel for girls?
I know I am not sure about a lot of things, but I'm just there sitting and thinking and it's not a thing that goes away... For years it's been there.

The more I think about it, and the more I just come to realise that I wasn't just numb all this time, so even numb that nothing ever mattered. I know now what mattered, and I know I have been running away from it for a very, very long time.

My dad used to say tha the leopard can't change its spots. I guess he was right, and now, oh well, I wish I could just be a proud leopard strolling down, accepting herself as a whole. Because I do feel like it's time to reconciliate with who I am...
(PS : I'm sorry, I think I posted in the wrong place...)

 

hahaha, the tree love killed me I'm a treessexual, hell yeah o/
I appreciate very much your help - I think I can't begin to express my gratitude, really. How come people like you aren't like rewarded or something ? You just go on a forum and help people around with your experience and your advice, and it's just great, amazing and if I knew you in real life, I'd probably just lavish you with gifts for weeks x_x

I have to say, not fearing to repeat myself, you got what I meant. I really don't care about persecution, since it's not something so strongly common here in Belgium. I mean, as far as I can compare, we're rather lucky for that,...Still, the matter is still some sort of taboo. It's about the life changes that have to happen. I know I have to do it, and I will, and I appreciate much your faith in me, you, extremely nice and clever person living in the other side of the Earth Because knowing someone understands how I feel, and can relate to some points, thinking that I'm not alone helps me already
to a very far extent !