*please excuse my writing, I just have to get this out now Hi my name is Gordon, I started having feelings for other men all the way back in 6th grade. As I got older these feelings intensified and I like it. I never told no one or did anything, but I did enjoying the sights in the locker rooms. Anyhow around 8th the term "that's gay became very popular! For example "Dude I got grounded yesterday" "Really, that's gay! This trigger something deep inside me. I started to realize that gay people were shamed in my school. Even at how I could here my dad make snide comments about gay people on TV. I then felt that I had to cover up any evidence of sexuality. I got a girlfriend, made sure I deleted any history on my computer of porn! This habit of covering up my sexuality grew into trying to ignore and even change it. I forced myself not to fantasize about men, I started saying "that's gay myself"! And to my Suprise it worked for a bit. But it only took one guy to change that all. I got back to watching gay porn and fantasizing! This stage last for almost a year. I started thinking about living my entire life without telling anyone. I thought about getting a wife and having kids all while undercover. I really thought it would work. But when high school came and people started dating for real, things got bad. I felt like I wasn't fitting in, all my friends had girlfriends, people were going to dances, movies ect. I became more and more withdrawed from people. When summer came i decided it was time to try something. I started hanging out with people every weekend. By the end of summer I had a pretty good (friend) relationship with my of my best friends. But I didn't like him I loved him and I wanted him to love me more than anything in the world. But is well on the straight side infact he makes fun of gay people at school. I hung out with him more and more and I loved his body and sexual features but I began to hate him for his personality and his thoughts about gay people. I have now moved on and today I am a sophomore in highschool. But just today after school a different friend sends me a shirtless picture with no caption. I'm not gonna lie it was hot. This got me thinking about my life. I try hard at everything I do, I'm an athlete, Im highly successful in school. I've never done drugs, drank, stole, ect. I'm friendly and except others for who they are, whether it be black, white, male, female, gay, straight, ect. I just can't except myself, I hate me, I hate my body, my life, the fact that I can't confess my feelings, everything about me! I can't even bring myself to even thinking about coming out, it's bad enough that I hate myself, much less my family and friends! I know they won't understand, there is no question! I just feel done, ready to give up, I just don't feel the drive to pretend anymore, to pretend that I will go far in life! I just want go and make love with somebody, even though that isn't even remotely possible! I feel like my life is fighting my feelings! I HATE ME for being gay! I just want someone that understands what I'm going through and to easy the pain just a little. I know I'm all over the place with this, but some words of wisdom would mean the world to me right now! Please
Hi Gordon, Welcome to EC :smilewave First off, there's nothing wrong with being gay (or bi, or asexual, or anything else as long as you aren't hurting anyone - and your orientation hurts no one - Someone being unhappy about your orientation doesn't count). Please don't hate yourself for it. You sound like a great guy and you have nothing to be ashamed of. And there's nothing about being gay that will prevent you from going far in life. You might find these interesting: Are these the 100 most powerful LGBT people in the world? | Gay Star News List of LGBT sportspeople - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia LGBT Athletes: 27 Players Who Have Come Out Of The Closet A bit of online searching will turn up others. Coming at this from a more personal experience direction - I've now worked for 3 different Fortune 500 companies. I was/am out at virtually all of them, and two (including my current employer, one of the largest and most well-known corporations on Earth) offer same-sex spouse/partner benefits. I am out to all of my friends, my co-workers (I routinely talk about my partner and he's met my co-workers and attended company holiday events), and my family (they've also met my partner and ask about him as a matter of course). The business I work in has a lot of other major corporations as their clients (10,000 employees is a small client to us). Most of them also offer benefits to same-sex partners, indicating that they have LGBT employees who they want to keep on the payroll. By and large, in the world of big business, companies are mostly interested in how good a job you do, not who you are sleeping with or attracted to. With the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the military is also moving in that direction, although probably some parts faster than others. Ok, so that's the 'going far in work' bit. As far as 'going far' in the love and relationships area...My partner and I have been together for 16yrs now. We are currently toying with the idea of getting married since that is now starting to offer benefits at the national level (our state doesn't recognize marriage yet, but the IRS does and tax benefits count for something ). I realize the field of potential partners can be quite limited in HS, but statistically you are not the only gay guy there. Beyond that, there is a whole world beyond HS, both in space and time. Have you looked to see if there are any resources for LGBT youth in your area? A community center, GSA, or chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)? Or maybe a Unitarian or Episcopal Church congregation (both of these denominations have a reputation for being pretty gay friendly, although individual congregations may differ). Looking online, there is also the Meetup website, which may lead you to LGBT game nights, or other groups that you might be able to take part in (I'm not sure if Meetup has an age limit, although some groups on it do). And of course, there is EC. EC is mainly made up of people around your age or a bit older, many/most of whom have gone or are going thru what you are. This is a pretty friendly place and folks are virtually always willing to talk, both the general membership or the Staff, if you need to discuss something privately. You say you're a sophmore now, so you've got maybe 2-3yrs before you're old enough to head out on your own. Are you considering college? The military? Something else? Regardless, once you leave home, you will probably find that the concerns of HS, including what your friends from HS think, will seem a lot less important. Go out, be out, and be yourself. Hopefully, you can start doing that even sooner but, if you feel it best to wait until you leave home, then that is doable to. Above all, hang in there and don't give up. Lots of people here are willing to talk, be your friend, and cheer you on. And your life can be whatever want to make of it. Hope this helps and keep smiling (it makes people think you're up to something). Best, Todd
Sophomore slump, huh? There is nothing wrong with being gay or with loving somebody (even if they don't reciprocate, it expands your capacity for compassion, kindness, and acceptance). Here's what you need to remember: you will be okay. At some point, you will meet somebody who will knock your socks off, and you'll know why you fought so hard. While you wait, try this: Imagine your perfect partner (not a specific person), all the traits you'd look for, every detail. Now, imagine the way you'd want them to be loved. Then try to be more like that person in your speech and actions. It helps line up your priorities. Good luck.
Hi Gordon and welcome to EC! What Todd gave you above is priceless, use his advice to the fullest! Many of us have gone through what you are feeling, yet many of us never got as far as you in your self-understanding, until much later in life. Of course you're not thrilled about it, life is giving you a challenge and it's asking something of you. The most important question is: can you be yourself? Think of your pain like the pain that comes with being born, letting go of someone who isn't you, but who's been such a part of you for so long that life seems impossible without that mask. You are on a path to discover the real you; it's a quest! An adventure! Seek out companions on this quest, like D'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers, we are here for you at EC, and in real life you will find like-minded people, you just need to know where to look. Have fun, learn much and build your courage for the happy day when you do come out!
