:tears: My story is so long, I will condense as best I can. I am a mess. I have been married almost 20 years, to a man. I have had previous relationships with women. And I have never been able to figure out why there seems to be a wall there that I can not get over. Emotionally, with my husband. He's a great guy. The first lesbian relationship I was in, I was totally, hopelessly in love with her. And I haven't felt that way, to that extent, ever again. Maybe because it was my first love. I have had deep, meaningful relationships with other women, and I have had hook-ups. I thought I was bisexual. When I married, I told myself that I could just forget that part of myself and I would be fine. Why then, did I watch The L word in secret, and be filled with sadness and lonliness and longing after. I had to quit watching it. Why when I find out a person is gay, am I so much more interested in them? Why does my breath catch in my throat when I see a soft butch? Why do I stare? Why do I hate for anyone to speak ill of anyone LGBT? Why a million other things?? The thought of never being with a man again doesn't really bother me. But I have been without the love and touch of a woman for so many years, and I think about it all the time. I feel like when I locked that part of myself away, I locked my entire, true self away.I know all of this sounds obvious, and I think so, too. I have denied everything about myself most of my life. To please others, to be who I thought I was supposed to be. I am miserable.Lying to myself and everyone else has left me unable to trust myself. I want to be able to state the obvious with certainty and live happily ever after. Why is it such a struggle? Why do I feel so confused and fearful? There are no LGBT support centers where I live. I feel so alone in this. If I am wrong, so any people will be hurt. When I think about starting a new life, I am filled with hope. But fear is ever present. If anyone has any insight, experience, hope to offer, please do. I am desperate.:help:
I'm still young and I'm not sure that I have the life experience to be of any service to you, but I'm going to tell you what I think could be kind of helpful. First off, I think that you should talk to your husband first and foremost. I know that you probably aren't going to be able to save your relationship or anything like that, but it's good to keep him in the loop. He could turn out to be a very valuable ally in your search for completeness. I know the feeling of not really having a gay community, and I must say that this website is a pretty good start to that. It may not be in person, but it is a very big network of homosexuals from all walks of life, and many of the members are very supportive. You might not have a physical community, but there are many online ones. Even if this website doesn't suit you, there are plenty of others. You just need to remind yourself that you aren't alone.
Thank you! I don't want it to get weird here. Neither one of us can afford to move out right now. It's going to hurt him, and I don't know how he will react. I just don't feel comfortable at this point as I have 0 independence right now. And if he acts out of character.....I just don't know what I would do. But thank you very much for your support!!!
Then maybe you should wait a little bit longer. Use your time in the closet to maybe become more comfortable in your own skin. Try getting a job, or going back to school maybe so that you can try to distance yourself. Also, now might be a good time to start exploring some of the more repressed feelings you may be having. Don't cheat on your husband obviously, but maybe just start looking at girls again like you used to. You shouldn't come out before you are fully prepared, but your husband should definitely become the first person you do come out to when you are ready.
Haha, I HAVE started looking!!!! And I am trying to stay very aware of my thoughts throughout my day, and when these feelings come up, I don't push them down like I used to. It's a very lonely place to be, though. It's been 16, 17 years since I was with a woman, and it's like I have been starving all these years. I will be happy when I can get past all of this to the other side. It's terribly lonely and scary. I am on a very limited income, but I just have to go see someone for support.
