I had always been 100% straight up until the age of 15. I'd had a crush on the same guy throughout primary school (in retrospect, he really wasn't that great), and then for a couple years on and off from 14/15ish I was in love with my (male) best friend. I always wanted to kiss/hug/cuddle with him but never anything more (I went through periods of finding the idea of sex gross, then not, etc, although I never wanted it with him). In the girls changing rooms at school I found myself eyeing up girls chests (hopefully surreptitiously), but never really gave it any deep thought, although I'd been doing it as long as I can remember. In my early years of secondary school, age 11/12/13 I'd had fleeting crushes on guys (never on girls, and the ones on the guys were few and far between and only lasted a couple of weeks) so I was convinced I was straight. At the age of sixteen I found myself getting closer to my (new) best friend, a girl. I found myself wanting to kiss her, to cuddle with her, to touch her, but similarly (as with my previous friend) I was kinda grossed out with the idea of sleeping with her. I wasn’t in love with her. At the same time, I became very sexually attracted to a guy in my year, someone who I talked to, but who I didn't want to spend any time afterschool with (unlike my two prev. best friends) although I imagined us sneaking kisses in school, and more... (ahem). But I definitely wasn't interested in him on a romantic level. Then (still when I was sixteen) one of my friends convinced me to watch Glee, and faced with the lesbian couple of the show I finally decided to relook my sexuality because watching the two girls interact, kiss, cuddle, felt so right to me. At the time I was confused because I didn't get that there was a distinction between romantic and sexual love, I thought it was all the same thing, and even though I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to my friend I almost came out as bisexual, but was too afraid too due to my confusion. So I pushed my sexuality to the back of my mind and focused on exams. Then when I went to sixth form and was faced with a sudden intake of people I hadn't grown up with and hadn't met before. I found girls who were cute, guys who were sexy, and got so confused I couldn't figure out whether I was sexually attracted to girls or not. My best friend had gone to another college, and I found myself flirting with some of the girls amongst my friends who jokily flirted back. When one of them sensed something maybe a bit too serious in my jokes she said she would never kiss me, and that made me very upset. Another time, when I was sleeping over at my best friend’s house, the next day she claimed I patted her ass in my sleep (O_O). Refocusing back on my sexuality, I began to look more up on the internet about the sexual orientation I could be around when I turned 17. My feelings towards sleeping with another woman, as I’ve explored them, have also changed. The idea is no longer repulsive (lol) and I think I would like it, even if only for the emotional side. I’ve also discovered that I find masculine women sexually attractive (from pictures/tv/on the internet), and can imagine myself in a passionate, both sexual and romantic, relationship with one. However, where I am, all the girls I’m surrounded by are very feminine so I can’t test that theory, and that leaves me unsure and confused as to if I’m a true bisexual, especially since I’m attracted to masculine traits in women. Eventually, I imagine myself ending up with a guy (in marriage, I mean) because I cannot see myself in a relationship I plan to maintain for the rest of my life with a person I am not both romantically and sexually attracted to, and I have not yet found a woman/girl who I am sexually attracted to as well as romantically. If I find one I am too, I am not opposed to marriage with a woman. So, in conclusion: I am sexually and romantically attracted to guys, although I have never been both (although I can imagine it easier than if it were a woman). I would love a girlfriend to kiss, flirt, hug, cuddle, date, and not for the purpose of showing her off/to get attention. I am not disgusted by sex with another woman; I am ambivalent, I don’t really feel anything either way, unless that woman is somehow masculine. I find features of women sexy (e.g. Taylor Swift’s legs) even if they (as a whole) aren’t sexy to me. However, overall I find that the number of women I am romantically attracted to are less than the number of guys I’m attracted to. So my issues are: Can I be bisexual, if I once was exclusively straight? Can my sexuality change over time? Am I bisexual if I am only attracted romantically to women and less than with guys? Is this a phase? Or have I been influenced by my environment (my school is very pro-gay, esp. the older years) into considering women as potential partners (which might explain why I have not been that sexually attracted to women)? This is really, really, really long... Sorry I had to get it off my chest P.S. I am currently 17 and a half
Hello :3 First things first: Sexuality is fluid, it can change over time. Even if you used to be straight, you could still become bi or homosexual later in life. About the romantic and sexual attraction: Some people identify as homoromantic. It shows that they have romantic feelings for people of the same sex but do not feel sexually attracted to them. Some identify as bi or heteroromantic. You might want to look into that. Also, girls are girls. Even if you like masculine girls, they are still girls. Liking masculine girls doesn't make you... "less" gay or bi :3 You yourself have to figure out what your orientation is. To me, you sound bisexual but maybe with a slight preference for men. Bisexuality doesn't mean that you have to like both genders equally. But like I said, you have to find out for yourself. I don't think you're influenced by your environment when you had feelings for people from both sexes. I'm just going to tell you my story... maybe it'll help you a little :3 I used to be pretty much straight as well.... or maybe I was bisexual to begin with but was always in denial about my attraction for girls. I started off feeling extremely grossed out by the thought of being intimate with another woman. I was kind of homophobe, you could say. I slowly learned to accept that it's not so bad and came to realize that I liked girls myself. Even when I admitted to myself that I liked girls, I still couldn't see myself in a relationship with one etc. Long story short, now, I like girls even better than guys and wouldn't mind being in a relationship with one (if I wasn't already with a guy of course.) Last but not least: It's not so important to push a label on yourself. Just take it easy and figure your orientation out over time. No need to rush things.
Thanks for the reply x It really helped: especially that you say you once didn't like the thought of being with a woman but do now. That made me think that what I'm feeling might actually be possible. And also that was a good point about masculine girls that for some reason I hadn't thought about Thanks again for replying! You helped me think through some of the issues I'm facing.
