I've been posting here and there on this forum but I really need to write something substantial because I'm quite honestly sick of feeling so isolated and unable to share these feelings that are weighing me down! A summary: I'm a 20 year old female from the UK. I've had several relationships/things with guys; however I've been single now for just over 2 years. I used to think it was just because I hadn't met the right guy yet, but the more I think about it, the more concerned I am that maybe there's a deeper reason to why I keep pushing any guy away who shows any interest in me. I'm really confused about these feelings. I can't remember ever actively 'fancying' a girl, however I can remember I used to have what could be considered innocent crushes on female teachers etc when I was younger. I think I've always been intrigued in girls, although at a young age I never really understood what that meant. As I've got older, I've found myself drawn to all things related to being gay- lesbian blogs, coming out stories, LGBT events etc! I also find myself far more drawn to girls when I'm out in clubs. I don't know if this is just curiosity or if this actually means I could be bisexual/lesbian. I've never, ever kissed or been with a girl, so I don't know if this IS just a passing feeling? All I do know is that I feel very miserable about the situation, I have no one to talk to about this because I'm still so unsure and I don't want to 'come out' when I'm unsure. The problem is, I don't know if I'll EVER be sure, or EVER be confident enough to actually be with a girl. I've had these feelings for a long while now, but I've always pushed them aside with the thought "of course I'm not gay, don't be silly". It's really eating away at me and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice on how I can push through this or learn to accept these feelings? I really don't think I could even go speak to a friend about it as none of them have any close connection to a gay person, and they've told me before that they "can't understand why girls might like other girls". Please help me I really need some guidance on this. ps Sorry for the post being so long, I just had to get my feelings down somewhere...
I did a lot of that, too. I also sought out LGBT-related sites, movies, books, and TV shows while my straight friends had zero interest. I think there may be a reason behind that - perhaps you feel more connected or in a more natural environment. I remember revealing my possible bisexuality to some friends in college, one of which then expressed her curiosities, too; while I'm still very much attracted to the same-sex, my friend has never mentioned any lingering desires nor did she ever have many real thoughts about a relationship or future life with another woman. It was really just a case of curiosity in college, like that silly "lesbian-until-graduation" saying. You're at an age where that questioning can really be rampant and it may take a while to figure out if it means anything more than simple curiosity. Sexuality is fluid (as is said 1000 times a day on this site). You don't have to define yourself, but I understand all too well the confusion, the frustration, and the desire to know. I've given up a bit on that. My attitude has generally become one of not dwelling on whether I'm bi or lesbian, but rather one of openness and seeing who I connect with next. Also, you don't have to have kissed a girl or anything to know, although it would help, wouldn't it? But even if you can imagine yourself enjoying that or imagine yourself having a real relationship with a girl, those may be indicators for which way you're leaning. It just takes some people a lot of time to figure it all out, but you'll find your way and your confidence eventually.
Thank you for your reply. Yeah, I've read quite a lot about how nobody has their sexuality 100% defined, and I will probably be far more comfortable about myself once I've actually tried to connect with a girl, to see how it makes me feel. I know for a fact that I find girls sexually attractive, and that the past few times I've been drunk or whatever, I've only ever found myself fantasizing about a girl I've spotted in the club we're at, rather than a guy. I also find myself really drawn to one of a couple of lesbian couples who I personally know; I'm almost jealous of what they have. I think the more I talk about it, the clearer it is becoming to me. I just haven't previously had people to talk to about it. Hopefully a few months on this forum might give me some confidence and clarity about the situation. Thanks again for your helpful words
Hi My little story, maybe it'll help you somehow. I've always had relationships with guys and I find them very attractive- if not downright hot to the point I'm practically screaming along with my friends. However I'd always had an interest in gay couples ever since buying a book "Keeping You A Secret"- at the time I didn't read the blurb properly and thought it was the usual teen romance. It was but was actually about two girls and their relationship. Anyway, since then I still dated guys and had never really been sexually interested in girls. I think looking back on it I was definitely connected to girls better. I just never felt as strongly for the guy I was with as he did for me. But I still enjoyed the relationships. As far as girls I went out of my way to avoid anything happening- you know drunk girl hookups etc. The thought just freaked me out a bit when it came down to me, but with others I didn't mind it at all. I'd also always seemed to have gay guy friends who were brilliant and their success stories made me happier than my straight friends ones. At the start of the year I met this girl at football- and just wow. She'd dated a few girls and guys, one of those "no label" types. But she's so fun to be around and I had this drive to get to know her. When I met her in a club one random night out she was flirty, but in a cool way. I'd come with a guy but felt drawn to being with her. The entire night all I could think about was how I wanted her to kiss me- which was incredibly unlike me! Fast forward and we've now been together for nearly 6 months. And it's been great. I'm not really looking for a label, as I don't think I can label anything yet. But I suppose I'm bi/bicurious as I still find guys attractive. So maybe you're just looking for the right person. Whether they're a guy or a girl it doesn't matter. But you'll know!
Let yourself be free to truly explore your feelings if you can, and no matter what as long as you're happy, and you feel a sense of wholeness and integrity, then things should go fine. I say this as one who had a lot of questioning episodes during my undergrad years. I felt so embarrassed by the fact that I wasn't already in a place where I know who I am and what I need, to the extent that I sorta let it take over my sense of assuredness in many other things remotely related to sexuality. In any case, I came to understand through personal experience, that it is very important to just be open to learning more about yourself, and to be especially kind to yourself. You'd be amazed how much help may come directly from within yourself when you allow yourself to be open to that possibility. Cheers!
