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Confused about myself

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sandalwearer, Sep 20, 2013.

  1. sandalwearer

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    Please help!

    Hi,

    I am fourteen, and quite possibly gay or bisexual. I often fap to gay porn, and find only a few women attractive, unlike with men. However, I am more at ease among guys than with girls, though this is probably because I am in an all boy's school, and am used to talking to guys. I find myself preening around girls, though. I also resolutely don't want to be gay. Please don't judge me, or try to convince me otherwise. Gay people aren't yet equal with heteros in society, and I don't want to have to deal with the discrimination. Plus, I want to have a family, children that are my own, and I have always imagined that I would have a wife. It was only around age 13 that I became aware that something was 'up', and i felt upset that i couldn't have the family that I wanted.

    I guess, I'm asking for advice. No offense, but i'd like it if only guys could reply - i want the most similar cases to mine. From people who are openly gay, what were your teenage years of being gay like, and bisexual people - can you have a partner female partner and live happily without being distracted by guys?

    I'm sorry that i started an entirely new thread, but I really don't have time to figure out this website, because I'm in a really bad place right now.
     
  2. sandalwearer

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    Hi,

    I am a fourteen year old boy, year 9, and quite possibly gay or bisexual. I'm just gonna lay it all the details out.

    I go to an all boy's school, and can't help but find the guys there more attractive than girls i see. I view gay porn, and can't, for the life of me, fantasise about women. However, I still find some girls pretty, but not as strong as with guys. I guess I am pretty obviously gay.

    The problem is, I resolutely don't want to be gay. Please don't try to convince me otherwise, or judge me for it. I can see that life will be so, so hard for me if I become gay. My immediate family would be fine with it, but my relatives are hard-core christians, and while they wouldn't shun or dislike me, it would never be natural to be among them again. Also, in society, gay people aren't equal with heteros, and I don't want to have to deal with the discrimination. Also, while I find myself physically attracted to guys, I can't imagine having a life with them. I have always, until around early 14, assumed that I would have children, a wife, etc, and it hurts me to think I won't have that family.

    I'm in a state of open denial - I just can't imagine being gay, despite my obvious physical attraction.

    I would like advice about if it is possible to be married to a woman, but with gay urges? Am I truly homosexual, or just having teenage fads? Or, what measures could I take to be more hetero than gay?
     
  3. Carpe Noctem

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    Re: Please help!

    Supessing your sexuality is a painful procedure that doesn't lead anywhere... I had convinced myself I was asexual, for years I would hear everyone talking about sex and relationships and I would just stand there or say something like I'm still waiting for "the one"... It's inevitable though, sooner or later your sexuality will come to the surface and it will be even harder to supress, and you can't do much because you were born this way, you couldn't help it! You can be a homosexual or bisexual without living the "gay lifestyle", or going out to gaybars or giving anyone a reason to discriminate against you, but I don't suggest you make a family if you won't be happy in it, because you'll end up hurting more people than just yourself.
    You are still very young and are still exploring your sexuality, if you supress it and force yourself to be heterosexual you'll never know what you really are and that will frustrate you. Don't rush into exploring your sexuality with girls or with guys, you are only 14 years old - just live your life and take advantage of any opportunity that comes up and only if you feel alright with it.
    I personally haven't come out to most friends or family, I'm almost 20 and I don't even know if I'm gay or bi or whatever anymore, so don't force yourself don't rush into things, and eventually you will see that only you know what you really are, and being sexually confused is not a reason to get depressed or anything. Best of luck.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    So....it sort of sounds like you're saying that you'd rather suppress your natural self than have to adjust how you've imagined your life turning out and possibly having to deal with some segment of the population not liking you.

    I hate to tell you this, but almost no one ends up with the life they expected. There are always twists and turns and unexpected things that pop up to change what 'the plan' is. Sometimes they're good things, sometime they're bad things, and sometimes they're just things that have the potential to be either depending on what you choose to do with them. I would count being gay in this last category.

    You may very well be able to suppress your feelings for some period of time to live the life you feel you are 'supposed' to be living. But those feelings won't ever go away and eventually they will probably become too strong to ignore. By that time you may very well have the wife and kids you want. And you will face the choice of either cheating on your wife with guys or coming out and going through a divorce and hurting them over something you could have prevented by just being honest in the first place. If you'd like to talk to people with direct experience of this approach and how it turns out, I would refer you to the LGBT Later in Life sub-forum. Although some folks who have gone through this may choose to post replies here directly.

    It's also perfectly possible to have a spouse and kids as a gay man. Except that your spouse will be your husband rather than your wife and your kids may be adopted or conceived and carried to term via surrogacy. Or some combo of the two.

    You say you don't want to deal with discrimination. Being gay is not a 24/7 discrimination fest, nor is discrimination limited to just gay people. Would you also categorically deny the option of falling in love with someone of another race or religion (whether you were gay or straight) because of the potential for discrimination? While there is still a good bit of discrimination, it is steadily reducing. And the main reason for that is because of the folks who are willing to stand up and face it. And fight back.

    Finally, I have to ask: What do you imagine is involved in being gay? I ask because this sort of statement comes up a fair bit on this forum and when the issue is explored a bit it often turns out that the person making the statement has various misconceptions about what it means to be LGBT.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd