im in class and i see someone i have went out with on a double date, but we don't sit near each-other and i think she might recognize me,this was YEARS ago. she might not too. but either way she is a beautiful woman, i just think to myself wow i really wish i could feel something in my dick right about this point, i really want to go up to her and ask her to a date but i just got out of a relationship and also i think im gay but emotionally attached to women. its beyond depressing. everyone knows how they grew up, they love the feelings they got from humans. i was conditioned to like woman or was i? either way i just went for them, and i was young i believe i had alot of hormones, and actually did experience sexual attraction at a time for woman. anything was getting me hard. I was beyond obsessed with my first. i was a jealous boyfriend, but she was at one point imo madly in love also. and i dont believe the notion young people dont experience love, when you love something, you love something, anything enough to give you that 'high' is a in-love feeling, when i was young i felt this with a girl, she became the role model of my dream. its messed up honestly because im all for women and men. like the concept of it is so much better then a guy and a guy, call it conditioning, its my reality, think about what i said there. people say if your gay and your a guy dating a girl, then something will feel like its missing. this holds true for both accounts. being with a girl or a guy for me has something of a beautiful yet toxic meaning that is internalized in me and my dreams. i suppose the ability to imagine has worked against me. i feel like apart of being straight and dreaming of women is APART of me. and seeing it leave would make me cry, but im just not physically attracted to them.. it might be WORTH mentioning, that i was subject to traumas with girls, i've seen my mom naked, like twice, i got into a relationship with a girl i didnt even know for 2 years, although i obviously knew her by then but it was based off nothing and never grew because the foundational 'liking someone' feelings wasnt there to begin with so it could be that thats why sex was never interesting.. i never got over my first though, entirely, i still miss her or atleast the girl from long ago, im so dwelved into the past because its honestly the only thing i know. i get crushes on girls, like the one in class i think about her all the time, i was infatuated with this other girl last semester while i was with my previous girlfriend i just mentioned. but it was a wierd infatuation. it was a nervous infatuation, like i wanted to be with her, but i feel like the nervousness sparks with the constant idea that i wont be able to fulfill her needs n that i wouldnt be able to perform. the first time i remember this happening to where i didnt enjoy sex was 2 years after me and my first broke up we got back together after she broke up with her ex, but she always talked about him and missed him and then would fuck me, n play the girlfriend role n then hang me at distance. so when we fucked i felt compared too because i knew she loved and missed her ex. and i was MOST LIKELY compared to him in bed, an because of this i couldnt peform even though i knew i could fuck, i played sports an ran all day, i fucked her like a pro before this shit.
