All my life I have had major crushes on guys. But lately I've been questioning whether that "thinking an attractive girl is attractive int the abstract way" feeling is something more, not to mention I am so unlucky and uncomfortable around the guys I actually find attractive ( I find them TOO HOT to function ). I like to think that my sexuality is fluid because right now it seems to be the only "word" or feeling that feels right as a description. I feel like I want to be straight, but I'm worried that I am actually a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with lesbians and I have many gay friends, I just want to find a boyfriend who I feel comfortable around who I find attractive and enjoy sex with and be me. If I were to be a lesbian I know I would have so much support, I just would not be able to live a lifestyle as a lesbian myself having no desire for full on sex with another women, having tried it before but it felt forced. I don't want to give up on the idea that I can have a boyfriend and be happy, because I believe I can. Lately I will find a girl that i think is so cool, even pretty or hot but I only want to be friends with them, to have that friend who brings you out of your sexual shell, that you can playfully flirt with but it means nothing and it would never go anywhere beyond friendship. Whereas I will find a guy ( even though I'm picky, I may find a handful of them ) that I find drop dead gorgeous and I would want to flirt with them BUT I can't for some reason, I never feel comfortable enough in myself to do that ( although I am getting better at that). Like I will go to a bar and naturally feel drawn to the attractive guys in the place first ( and usually in a crowded bar i will find a handful of guys I would like ). And I do not even notice women, unless they are talking to such guys. But after a while I will see the really pretty girls all the other girls in the place want to be and I will see some really cool crowd of people I would want to be friends with and I am not sure if that is just me wanting to be with them sexually or just friendly. I can't tell anymore because I have never felt sexual towards women so I have never had to have these questions before. So I think I may be bi, or pan, but i find it so hard to accept that because I am so worried it's just a phase and the straight community and the LGBT community seem to have such a hard time accepting bi people. I feel women have naturally a more fluid sexuality because I can be aroused by pretty much any erotic material regardless of gender/orientation/people. For me it's the act of sex that's arousing, no gender in particular. So when I look down deep inside I don't see any word that seems to fit as well as unsure, or fluid. But I am also terrified that I am just in denial. I know instinctively I feel straight but yet something in me is saying "What if" or "You're just in denial", and there are days when I feel asexual and days when I feel like I am coming to the realisation I am a lesbian. I just cannot seem to accept anything though. No word seems to feel right for me and somedays different labels seem to fit. I do get self conscious when I am around certain people that I give off a gay vibe or that I dress *quoted from a friend's mother* "dykish" and I am worried if I send mixed signal to people I know who are gay too, or straight. Even though I have never had any problems with attention from guys and girls, just not the people I find personally attractive. I am just so tired and I feel like there is a part of me that is under lock and key, the me that is sexually vivacious and confidant and not afraid to express themselves with their whole body, but I just can't be comfortable to do that and I have no idea why not! I want to but I just won't let myself :bang: I am sorry for the wall of text! Thanks for reading! ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2013 at 01:03 PM ---------- I should also add that I am very afraid of having sex with a girl because I am terrified i will like it. Not that's there's anything wrong with having sex with women, and I'll bet it's awesome for those who truly love it, but I am just so scared of discovering that I may prefer it. And I have tried sex with a woman before and it just turned me off but now I don't know whether that was because she was my friend and she was waaaay more into it than i was. I got to her boobs and that's as far as I could go. Even kissing her/making out didn't do anything for me.... but I still cannot seem accept that as a clear indication and I don't know why not. Maybe becuase I feel like I don't really know what sex with a women was like so I can't really say for sure but at the same time I presently do not want to do anything more with a girl than playful flirting and making friends. UGH. :bang:
There are a lot of labels out there and not everyone fits in a particular one. To me it sounds like you could be possibly bi or pan but I could be wrong as only you are able to figure that out. What you explained sounds quite familiar to me as to when I was questioning what I was. This year when I experimented with a girl for the first time, I felt like it was somewhat forced, but I then realized that I just wasn't ready for that and she wasn't the right one. It could be a phase, but then again it's possible that it's for real. It's hard and might take time to accept, but it will only get better. And with whatever label you choose if you find one, make sure it feels right for you and take some time to think about it.
Truth is, hardly anyone is 100% heterosexual- and the numbers drop when it comes to girls. If you're looking for a label, I'd personally go with 'open-minded' for now, at least until you discover more about yourself! Sexual orientation is set on a scale- it isn't as nicely boxed into gay, bi, or strait as we'd like it to be, and people can end up on different points of that scale on a day to day basis. To me, it sounds like you're definitely into guys and there are some girls that get your attention. I think that, given time, you'll find that experience will give you more answers then you can get by searching for them. :3
