Okay well.i have a whole story of how I got to questioning myself. It was a stupid reason and I really shouldn't have gotten like this but I cant change where im at. And my story of how this came about is too long and it does not really matter in this post. Anyways, im stuck. I do have ocd, I have had it my whole life with many things, like people dying, or thinking I have an std when I never even had sex yet. But thats besides the point again. I am VERY CONFUSED. I can sit around, think of a guy, whom I do not know, it is just a male figure. I can fantasize sexual stuff. Now as for the girls, I am attracted to girls bodies. I do not doubt myself of that. Here is where im at with a problem. I "think" Im repressing my bi side or gay side whatever you want to call it so I go "okay just to be done with this im going to go and just try a gay fantasy and let it all.play out" . While im doing "my thing" and it is not easy for me to get off to a gay fantasy, its not quicker, easier to think, or even that much better. When I tell myself im gunna just go and do the gay fantasy to stop repressing, it takes too long often and I need to start thinking about women. I do that and yes it can start getting better. So now here I am stuck thinking about this male figure and a girl. Bi sexual? OFTEN of the times im always aroused to start of with girls and can stay fantasizing about them and really get turned on by that. But when I sit and think of a gay fantasy and all that, I can get hard and jerk off. But its not All I think about during the gay fantasy I believe almost every single gay one I had I always had to bring up a girl in it to get a great state of arousal. Its weird and its making me.so confused. I do fully commit myself to being gay or bi, tell myself its okay, go and try to have these fantasies and it seems when I make myself okay with it or think nothing of it, the hold on me isnt strong and I tend to need to think.about girls again. Its so weird and difficult for me. And BTW I am not trying to rationalize everything. Because I go and be okay with gay or bi sexual and at that point its just whatever to me. Litterly ill be like okay im bi, thats fine, i start to relax and accept it and out of no where im thinking of a girl either sexually or romantically. Then ill be like "okay so.im straight?" And once I get the mindset of being straight my mimdset goes too "dude your questioning, remember that" AND IM ALL THE WAY BACK TO SQUARE ONE. Its like no.matter what side I go into iam always having an experience to counteract that. Which is way im kimd of ready to slap down on bisexual. I worry so much that im always trying to.think of sexual acts with both sides all the time and its confusing. As for background history, always identified as heterosexual. Never had sex yet, never even been in a relationship or.kissed yet. Im 19 btw. And I am also starting to like a girl in my class now, but im afraid im still gunna be in this struggle if things work out in the future with this girl. And thats my story. Help me ANYONE idc I need opinions, and or pointers on what to do to make things more clear. Im open to any suggestions. Except going to sleep with a guy, because im.mot ready for that yet, nor do I want to. So anything else but that lol thankyou! ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2013 at 12:45 PM ---------- Just about all of my fantasies are of girls btw, and if it is a gay ome I will bring it up usually to check or to.do what I think is so called "repressing" when I dont even kmow.for sure. My ocd isn't helping with this at all. ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2013 at 12:50 PM ---------- And I do have my straight moments where im like "dude wait, your straight and you know that! Stop getting confused!" I guess I get more into "what ifs" ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2013 at 12:54 PM ---------- Ive had my therapist tell me im straight, people I know tell me im straight, even people on here tell me im straight. But I don't know because "what if" and I cannot stop the what if because thats whats CONSTANTLY occuring in this situation. That's where my ocd kicks in. To the "what if question". I often get NO relief any day at all. This happend 3 months ago
In the exact same boat. My therapist and everyone tells me I'm straight from my descriptions. The only thin that seems to help me have some relief is to develop a "so what, who cares?" attitude and just to remember that they are only thoughts. Thoughts never hurt anyone and they do no put a gun to your head to force you to act on them. For me, I've set boundaries that I'm kind of comfortable with, like if I feel like kissing someone I will, regardless of gender, if I think someone is hot I will acknowledge that, regardless of gender. I just can't seem to tell whether i like someone or not, regardless of gender and that's hard part. But at the moment I am trying to tell myself that if I am gay so what? I know people would support me. The only thing that backfires that is when the ocd makes you think that be accepting the uncertainty you really are just accepting that you are gay, but you don't have to act on it. Well that's the way my head is going. It's a nightmare and a battle everyday, especially when I have too much time on my hands to think. The best way to beat it is to just not fear the thought and just accept them as that, only thoughts. Meditation will teach you the mind will go to very dark places and it is very powerful and unpredictable, the trick is is to let it flow. Let it do it's thing. No harm will come from thinking. Try doing mindfulness meditation! It helps! And I hope you are not struggling too much!
How do you do the meditation? And I have anxiety disorder too, it came along with my ocd so im struggling lol. And unfortunately, even tho I have ocd and was diagnosed with kt by one of the top therapists in my state, I even ocd about having ocd. And I get into panic. Stupid but it happens, with many other things also like mim afraid my friends dont like me or dont want to talk to me
M'kay! I'm not bisexual, but I did identify as bi for a long time before I met some really amazing people and realized gender isn't something that I see as a limiting factor in a relationship. :3 I'm going to try and make a list here of things that are probably priorities for you (or, rather, what I think your priorities should be by this point): 1.) Stop stressing about it! Honestly, your sexual orientation can play as big a part in your life as you want it to, and it doesn't have to be an ordeal! 2.) Don't listen to the people who are telling you you're strait because no one can tell you who you are except yourself. 3.) Remember that you're only 19- all goes well and you've got a good 30 years at least if you decide to settle down with a parter (of any gender) and/or start a family. 4.) You sound like you're stressing a lot about what to tell other people about you or how to present yourself in society, but you just don't know how to explain your situation to others. Personally, if I were in your shoes and someone asked if I was gay, strait, or bi, I'd just say I was open-minded! This seems to be a term that fits you well at present: you like girls, but you know you're not opposed to liking guys. And that's okay! I'd just go with open-minded until I learned more about myself and my inklings. The thing is (and this is the most cliche thing ever, but bear with me) you have to give yourself time. I learned I was genderblind/pansexual through life experiences, and that takes time. Best advice I can give is don't fret about it and let the pieces fall where they may- which they will eventually. It's normal to question yourself. Try not to fixate all your time and effort in it and focus on something else for the time being. It'll be okay dude! :3
I also watched gay porn, gave that a fair shot. Told myself to not act repressed. And I did not act repressed. I gave it a 110% FAIR shot. After I was like "eh that was just whatever" and ever since then I feel no need or desire to watch gay porn. I can care less for it. Lesbian porn is a big turn on because I love girls bodies, and straight porn. Thats where im at and where I have been ever since I started watching it. Well I started out at lesbian when j first saw it at the age of 11 *sigh* ik I was young but I loved it so much ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2013 at 01:46 PM ---------- Okay thank you stormy sea! I try doing that. And I kinda do accept being gay or bi. Its just weird because when I accept it. My strrugles and worries go away and im like "oh hey look at that I am straight, I dont like guys" and I stop . pondering over EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING. And I can finally relax and think about the girl I am starting to like and be happy. Well ik im not gay. I just need to know if im bisexual really. But as u said, time is needed. And I will give it the time. And there was this one girl who was my friend, we hung out and I got this feeling or "electric spark" as they say...I think they say that? But yes I got that feeling and when she left all I was doing was crying she left and all I could do was think about her for the next 2 weeks(she left for.good) Until we talked again.
imo i think most people need a 'gay' friend, so they can desensitize themselves even if there not gay. i need more gay friends too, athough i think im bisexual, deff have some gay, deff have strong emotions for girls. its a touchy issue.
