I've questioned my sexuality on and off for about 8 years, but this time is different. Usually, these questioning periods are really short-lived. About a week. But for about two months now, I think I might actually be attracted to women. It happened kind of overnight. I can think of 4 dreams I've had that have involved sexual situations. Two with girls, and two with boys. The ones with girls have been great, and I wake up questioning my sexuality. The first time I determined that I was not attracted to women, but now, I'm not turned off by the idea of a sexual relationship with girls. It's really different from sexual dreams I've had about boys, in which sex never happened because it felt like it was going to be wrong, like I didn't want to be there or with those people. Despite those dreams, I am in a sexual relationship with a man, and I do enjoy it. It doesn't feel wrong in the slightest. I started questioning my sexuality when I was about 13, but I always concluded that while I found the female form visually pleasing, I wasn't interested in having any sort of physical relationship with girls. When I was 17, I guess it got a bit more complicated. There was a girl that I started to have feelings for, like I wanted a relationship with her, but without the physical component. A couple years later, I learned that romantic orientation and sexual orientation are different, so I started to consider myself panromantic and heterosexual. Somewhere in the last few years, I decided that I wouldn't mind kissing a girl, but I didn't want a sexual relationship with one. Now, though, I don't know. I'm 21. I've only ever had one relationship, and he and I are still together. I love him very much. I'm a leader of an LGBTQIA organization on my campus, and I am at a point where I would feel perfectly comfortable with myself if I was/am bisexual. I just kind of want to figure it out, and I don't know how...I don't want to tell my boyfriend about it because I think it will hurt him even though it doesn't have anything to do with him. And I guess that's why I'm confused. I want to figure out my sexuality without hurting my relationship. Or, really, talking to people about it. Is there a way that I can do that? I think that's really the part that prevents me from talking to anyone about it. It sounds pretty bad to me, that I'm in a relationship that I'm happy in, so what right do I have to question my sexuality? It's that, at the end of the day, I do like guys. Straight or bisexual, I want to stay with my boyfriend. So on one level, nothing changes if I am bi. But it matters to me. I just feel like I can't talk to people about it because if I determine that I'm actually straight, like I've concluded every time I've questioned in the last 8 years, I feel like I'll have been mocking my friends in some way, like, "Remember that time I asked you for support on that thing that you struggled with for a long time? Good times! By the way, still straight." And if I'm bi, then, great. I'm kind of dreading the I-knew-it from a handful of friends and family who have speculated for years, but that doesn't matter so much to me. I know I'm very lucky to be in my position. I'm comfortable with myself, regardless of my sexuality. I'm part of a loving and supportive community, and I have a long-term boyfriend who treats me very well and who I enjoy being around. But even with all this, I just don't know. I just want to figure it out for myself. How can I do that? Can I? That's not even a good question, but I guess I don't know what else to ask.
most likely the question keeps coming around for a reason, its a reoccuring theme, like in a book ya know. it has meaning to it. its also like food, your goingto tell yourself you dont like pizza, when you clearly in the mood for pizza, and want that pizza, and since your denying it, you just want that pizza even more. anyways, truth is, if your happy with your boyfriend, then what does it matter? also truth is, if your not happy with your boyfriend, it probably does matter if its always on your mind and its the reason you can't 'grow' with the relationship. also, i think you should tell him this, the key to a good relationship is being open with each other. its called communication, nothing to hide, try not to fight, try not to come off to weak or too strong, let him know there is a situation, you are telling him because his sensitive and caring opinion counts. usually a bad boyfriend will react by saying lets have a threesome, or by getting mad and cursing you out. continuing on, you will only ever feel satisfied if you experience it and can reflect on it, in my experience, which is why its such a touchy subject. your toying with sexuality as much as a kid is playing with toys..
I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, so I don't know how practical my advice will be. Maybe if/when you decide to tell your boyfriend, you could emphasize that just because you're questioning your sexuality does not mean that you want to break up with him. You are just doing some self-exploration and want to include him in your findings. This could help with any insecurities he might have. Once he's accepted that you intend to stay with him, he can move on to accepting your identity.
