Hello everyone, I am new to this site... My name is Brian, I am 17 years old... I was born in New York but when I was 10 my family moved to Georgia (my mother and three siblings). Anyway, when I started Junior high school I found it hard to adjust. I was quite effeminate for a male and would get bullied everyday by my older classmates (I was 10 in 6th grade). They would call me such harsh names, like fag and call me gay. I didn't really know what gay was but I knew it was a bad thing according to them but people have been making fun of me like this all my life. I was always friends mostly with girls, all my best friends were girls. In 7th grade, I was 11 and started to feel different.. I knew that in some way, I was attracted to men but it was very hard for me to accept and I hated myself and did all I could to deny my attraction to males, including dating a girl who I had absolutely no attraction to because I wanted to prove everyone wrong so they would stop making fun of me. I remember when I was a small child (about 5 or 6) I would get crushes on other boys in school and at summer camp and even sexually experimented with both boys and girls growing up. One summer before 8th grade I found myself attached to one girl and we kissed and I somewhat liked it but it didn't feel right so I assumed it was the hormones because I never actually liked a girl before, ever. The thought of being with a girl made me uncomfortable and being with men seemed more fitting even though I didn't want it to be at the time. When I started high school, I left my family in Georgia and move in with my aunt in New York. I was so damaged from the bullying I didn't feel like I used to. I was deeply depressed and felt closeted. Because of this I was VERY shy and quite bitter. I was really cautious about people thinking I was gay and tried my best to seem as very not effeminate as possible. I remember in a few of my classes, I was attracted to some of my male classmates and could not deal with these feelings properly so they manifested themselves into anger and I took it out on my friends. One friend in particular because I secretly had a crush on him and eventually we never spoke again. This was because he would sexually provoke me by touching me and asking me to mutually masturbate with him just for fun, send me pictures of him naked or pictures of his penis and he tried to kiss me which aroused me but I pushed him away. Before starting 10th grade, my aunt forced me to move back to Georgia with my mom against my will. This caused me to be even more depressed. I was really self-conscious and hated myself. This is when the suicidal thoughts became an issue. I wanted to die because, at this point, I have been through so much crap. I became addicted to porn as an outlet for my frustration. I would watch straight porn because I was deeply in denial or confused of my sexual orientation at the time. I wanted to watch gay porn but instead I would pay attention to the men more in straight porn videos to cope with my sexuality. I would search for male nudity online. I always browsed male underwear websites but I wasn't interested in buying underwear, I was more interested in something else. This all happened when I was about 14. Women did not interest me much at all by that point. But dealing with this was very stressful. My depression eventually got worse because of it. When I started 11th grade, my addiction to porn persisted. I would come home, turn on my laptop, and watch porn and masturbate just to make it all go away. In school, I was in an advanced Spanish class. I was the only junior in the class with all seniors. One boy in the class was the only Spanish speaker besides me. He was Puerto Rican and pretty short but muscular, very cute and charming unlike most other guys in my school. He played on the school football team and was quite athletic. I thought about him all the time but never spoke to him because I was scared and in denial. I thought about him kissing me, touching me and it all made me feel worse. While in class, I would avoid making any form of eye contact with him out of fear that he would see I was attracted to him. I could literally feel the tension in my body when I did this because I liked him so much. When he spoke to me I would sweat and start shaking but he didn't really care much and I don't really think he noticed either. When I went home, I would stalk him on Facebook and look through his pictures but I never added him because I was scared. Eventually another Puerto Rican boy came along and I was drawn to him instead because he was new and we had more classes together. The same would happen with him. I would be scared to talk to him or even look at him. But every morning I looked forward to being around him and tried to look my best for him by dressing cute and focusing more on my appearance. By the second semester of 11th grade, my crush on him went away. I told all my friends I had a crush on a girl (which was a lie) because she was very pretty. She was beautiful but I clearly wasn't attracted to her despite what I told everyone. I became friends with her but it never went further than that. By this time, I started to come out as bisexual to all of my close friends who apparently were not very surprised but more accepting than I thought. They would always poke fun at my sexuality before I even came out. I used porn as a test and masturbated to straight porn. This time I paid more attention to the girl and for some reason was very aroused.. It was strange but I thought it was a good thing although I never felt this way in the real world. By the end of 12th grade, I embraced my sexual orientation and was not very ashamed but I was still not out to my teachers or my parents, only most of my classmates and my friends and my therapist (it took a while to tell her). I was especially afraid of my mom finding out because ever since I was little she always tried to convince me that being gay was wrong. I tried connecting more with the gay community and making gay friends online. I watched gay related movies and felt right for once. I loved gay short films and would sit in bed and watch them all day on Youtube. I was finally happier than before and felt "at home" if that makes sense. I eventually told my friends I was gay instead of bisexual. I felt more emotionally connected to men. However when I tried watching gay porn, I was not as aroused as I was with straight porn. I didn't hate it, some videos were very arousing but most were quite boring to me and it took a while to get used to. This made me question my sexuality all over again. I was devastated. By my last year of high school, I was even more confused. I thought to myself "Am I bisexual?" because I was only turned on by straight porn. I would feel like everything was a lie. It progressively got worse and worse and I stopped going to school on time because I was in so much pain I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I almost failed a few of my courses but I somehow made honor roll by the end of the semester and got some of the highest test scores on standardized tests. I completely ignored everything else including college applications because I was so depressed and suicidal. The thoughts eventually went from "Am I Bisexual?" to "Am I really straight?" .. I started to do some online research and thought that it was some kind of reverse HOCD but instead of homosexual obsessions I had heterosexual obsessions. I have suffered from OCD all my life so I thought this was the case. I tried to ignore it but the thoughts wouldn't stop. Eventually my attraction to men was questionable and I started getting more anxious. Towards graduation, I created a ****** and ****** account despite being underage. I would have conversations with gay and bisexual men and it was great. Most of the conversations would become sexual and instead of being uncomfortable, I liked it. But everytime I watched porn I would for some reason only get aroused by men having sex with women and it was like I was aroused by the women instead of the men. When I graduated, because I was out of school, I laid in bed constantly over the summer because I am so depressed and I wanted to die. I was deeply depressed and confused. I thought that it was the anxiety or the HOCD causing this to happen. I cannot stop thinking about it and everyday it gets worse and worse. It's gotten to the point where I want to commit suicide and not have to go through this all over again. I don't want to be straight. I don't want to be with a woman either. I want to be able to fall in love and start a family with a man I care about. I don't want a boring straight life full of misery and confusion and sadness. What should I do? Who am I? What am I? I am lost and I don't know how much longer I can take this... I'm sorry for making this so long, please help me.
First of all, welcome to the community Briloco! It must be hard for you with all this confusion, but don't despair! Something that caught my eye was that you by watching porn decide what you are. Porn isn't quite precise for these kinds of things. Some people don't like either straight or gay porn but that doesn't mean that they are asexual! So, just put porn aside, it won't help you as much as you think it will. Secondly, If I am not mistaken, you only had straight relationships which you didn't like. And, as you said, you were with those girls just to fit in. You really should wait! Let time show you what you are. Sexuality isn't static. It changes throughout your life and don't think too much about it. Just go with it: If you are attracted to females, go hang out with them and vice versa. Also, you should wait and encounter a gay relationship and see what it's like. That will show you a lot more than porn will! Lastly, you are still confused! Don't rush into anything, just calm down and start slowly exploring yourself! It's a long process. The main problem I see here is that the problem of sexuality. Again, don't pay too much attention to it. It varies. Who knows what will happen in a year or two! Of course, suicidal thoughts never helped anyone, so, believe me, things will get better! And don't be afraid of anything you are, you will be accepted by the people that love you being ether str8, gay, or bi. Stay strong! (*hug*)
Thanks so much for your advice... Things have been terrible for me, especially lately. I try to be strong even though I feel like I can't handle it any longer. It's like nobody really understands for sure how I feel inside. It's like I don't really know who I am but at the same time I do. I know who I was meant to be. I guess pornography isn't a good way to know for sure. But even though I didn't quite like being a relationships with girls, that was when I was a preteen and not yet sexually mature. However, I still do not desire any an intimate relationship with women. I feel more comfortable in a relationship with men. I want to cuddle, kiss and touch and be touched by men.. Sex with men is not an issue but what concerns me the most is the lack of desire I have been experiencing lately towards being sexual with men and the sudden increase in sexual desire I have for women. I am not even sure if I really want to have sex with women, I think it was a mixture of me suffering from addiction to pornography and OCD but I don't quite know for sure. I almost never feel that way towards women in real life outside porn. In fact, I notice that I pay more attention to men and find men more attractive in real life. It's only gay porn that I don't really find appealing. I guess I always thought that in order to be considered gay, you have to like gay porn. It's very confusing. I pretty much always knew I liked boys since I was very small and for that to suddenly change after finally accepting myself is what makes me feel depressed and worthless. It's as if part of my identity is being taken away from me. Sexuality is very personal and a big part of our lives and I don't want mine to change. Being gay makes me special, different but in a good way.. I hope I figure it out soon. Thanks for your support.
Okay, this might sound funny coming from a 16yo....but I think I could help a bit... First, the makings of porn is not 'love' but 'entertainment' (...hmm, not the best way to describe it but, yeah, something like that.) Porn are made...um, for you to wank off or deal with stress, not the best way to explore your sexuality. What you should actually do more is to focus on the real life...as mentioned, you seem to be attracted more (by a lot) to men than to woman romantically. Seemingly, you crave for a romantic relationship with a man. As for which you like sexually, well, I couldn't decipher much from your post, but that could actually waver in our age...no experience, though, sorry...since it is a preference of a 'type' instead of focusing on one target as having a romantic relationship. If you want, you could try and...um...experience what it's like to....(sorry for being so vague.) But all in all, you seemed just confused with what you 'prefer', however, you don't need to make any rash decisions (my counselor told me that) since you have so much ahead of you to experience...you could slowly adapt to who you are, and who knows? Who care if it would be a he or a she to accompany through lifetime? You would be so madly in love then to care too much and that is when you would be the happiest for love is blind. Hugs and Good Luck!
Awww. Don't feel bad. I've been through almost the exact same thing. Some gay guys get off on straight porn. And some lesbians like guy on guy porn more than lesbian porn. Go figure! It's really great that you told your friends. It took me ages to muster the courage to tell my friends I was bi. Werbinich is right. You shouldn't use porn as a base to decide your sexuality. I think you've just been through so much crap, being so unsure and confused is the result from snapping under all the pressure. Remember, bad times are just times that are bad. Everything will be resolved in time. I used to be suicidal but I pulled through and things are a lot better now. Don't feel worthless. Oh my God you're anything BUT. You seem like a really nice guy who is just going through tough times. I just wanna give you a hue man hug . And no joke, I would totally date you. Me and my friend have been through the exact same thing. You're not alone sweetie.
Porn is a pretty good indicator IMO, alot of the times. take it with a grain of salt and by no means rely on it entirely, it can help though define your sexuality, and chances are if your getting pleasure and turned on from seeing guy A suck guy Bs dick, then you like it to some extent. even if just a little bit, point is, its getting you harder then female porn for a reason.
One more thing, you shouldn't be self conscious about weather people think you're gay or not. I went through the same thing and they literally don't care. They might not even notice you so there's no need to be uptight.
Look for the 'Porn' thread. You will see that what porn you like and get turned on with has nothing to do with your orientation.
Okay, so although porn can be a decent indicator for some people, it isn't for others. For example, I like hentai. That does not, however, mean that I would be sexually attracted to a tentacle monster in real life. What you fantasize about and what you want in a partner are two very different things. Don't freak out until you have explored a relationship with a guy. Side note: Your issues might also be tied to your anxiety over coming out. Once you're comfortable in your skin, self-awareness will follow. Hang in there. It does get better. (*hug*)
If you don't have porn, what do you fantisize when you masturbate? I think that's a better indicator than porn.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I realize that porn is not a very good indicator when trying to figure out sexuality for some people. I know there is a difference between how i feel when watching porn and how I feel in real life. Maybe it's better to focus more on real sexual and romantic relationships. I am a bit inexperienced because I haven't really met anyone else like me in a long time. There aren't many openly gay or bisexual kids my age where I live, so it's not like it is in New York City. Because of this, most of the gay men I have ever had any type of sexual connection with were much older than I am. But to be honest, I am afraid to go any further than just talking about sex or chatting because they are so much more mature and on a different level than I am. I want to go along with it.. but I don't want to rush into anything I am not yet ready for. I guess I will have to be patient. Thanks everyone for your help. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 12:49 AM ---------- I noticed this as well.. A lot of gay men prefer straight porn. There are straight women who prefer lesbian porn and lesbians who prefer gay male porn. I also notice it's not too uncommon for straight men to enjoy watching gay male porn as well. I guess I overanalyzed this. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 12:56 AM ---------- Honestly I don't know for sure... I started masturbating at 13 and around that time I would fantasize about men only.. But because I was deeply in denial about it I would always try to incorporate a woman into the fantasy to justify the way I was feeling. I never really fantasized about women. It wasn't until I started watching porn that the confusion started becoming an issue. Could this have something to do with my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
