This will probably be long, I'm going to start from the beginning. I really don't know how to feel about myself. when i was in high school I was in conflict with myself about my sexuality. I have always considered myself to be a straight guy but when I got into high school I began...desiring males. It began as being attracted to herm's and shemales but then It just started pushing further into my psychie that maybe I liked males. I didn't take it well...I began hating myself and trying to see the desires as nothing more than a phase and it will pass... But it never did. I began to yell at myself when no one was around trying to push the thoughts back, thinking it wasn't right for me to want those things. I began trying to teach myself to like girls, I even got in a relationship trying to prove to myself that I liked them. But when...relations came up, nothing happened. I cried my eyes out after that, the final desperate attempt had failed and I didn't know what to do. I was hardly able to pull myself out of my bed, I felt so horrible. After that I kept on forcing myself to consider the fact that I might be gay. And 2 months later I finally can say I'm gay and feel fine with it. That was a year ago, But now I'm having new problems... I have tried to have 2 relationship with guys, both met online and both times I couldn't get beyond the first date. It wasn't because they were bad or anything, I was having problems myself...every time I tried to meet someone my stomach would feel so tight and I had this feeling that was telling me that this wasn't what I need to be doing and to get out of there. I forced myself to see last that but even when I met up with both of them I felt as though if I were to do anything beyond talk when talked to or nod something bad was going to happen. It just felt so wrong when I met them...I couldn't get past the feeling so I left both...is it because I'm not really gay? Is it just that I'm so nervous around people that I can't bear it? Is it because it was an online meeting so I felt like I was walking into an obligation? I just don't know...I'm having trouble trying to figure this out. Please help (P.s. I added that first paragraph to give insight as to why I think I'm gay.)
Hey hugs man, I can so relate to the first paragraph, its was so similar to my teen years. I'm not sure how old you are but my first real gay experience was at 19 yo with my workmate. I was in love yet totally scared and frightened, although I totally enjoyed the experience and it felt so natural, the fear and anxiety caused me to abandon any further interaction with him or thoughts about me being gay . That fear and anxiety was a result of religious and society doctrins, not to mention my parents and family disowning me. Even thou I went straight and did all these things to convince myself I was straight, deep down I knew I wasn't. How do you feel deep down inside? Your gut feeling may be a result of other factors? Talk to as many people as you can and trust, all of a sudden the answer will come rushing at you?
I would say since you wanted to go and do it, u more likely may be gay, or you may be bisexual and not know and maybe feel more for women than men, and the bisexual side for the men isnt totally right for u now. Dont let me or anyone tell u who.u are, anyone here will say that only u can know. And that's true.
well you are pretty new to the scene still imo.. iguess when it comes down to it, these problems made you emotionally unavailable for awhile. so you do still have emotional baggage, theres a wall - you have to keep trying to jump over it... also dont feel expectations, its Okay to go into a date expecting to get Nothing out of it but maybe sex and such, and its okay to tell the other guy your not interested and just be friends.. but like i said, and the way i feel, im not yet completely Okay with everyone knowing my identity, even when out in public to a hot female waistress the last thing i still want for her to think is im gay, which i need to work on... i feel like when i come out to a group of people or just the general people around me usually, ill become more comfortable, but its a process.. baby steps, first meet gay people and dont think about hooking up.. and if they try to say your not ready.
