Hello everyone, I'm a 24 year old male. I'm currently engaged to the love of my life (my fiancé) and have steadily enjoyed our relationship thus far. I identify as a gray asexual. I guess I will get down to what really brought me here. I lost my virginity quite late actually the age I mentioned above. I really wasn't into relationships and always found myself masturbating to a lot of porn in my college years. I have always been shy around the women I wanted to flirt with. Always been conscious of my looks and often looked at other men as a alpha male signal to help with my confidence. I've always found men to be attractive in facial features but anything beyond that does not appeal to me. I found my first brief relationship to be kind of a fling. I found her attractive and she was the first person I kissed, however it just felt like a chore. I didn't think much of it. Into a month she wanted to have sex and I just wasn't interested. I felt the need to get to know her more on a personal level before I climbed into bed with her. I wanted a love connection. Needless to say this didn't last. Fast forward, I began back to basics and just masturbated to alot of straight porn and even dived into BSDM videos with women. I started chatting with a woman (she was 18 and I was 23 at the time) I instantly felt a connection and found myself that she was (and still is) my soulmate. We clicked yet she told me she was in a committed relationship already and couldn't make any moves towards each other, yet we kissed and it felt so real and right. Long story short, she let me down a few times as she was trying to discover what she really wanted. In that process, I felt the need to wait. I didn't want anyone else but her. I couldn't picture my life without her (and still can't). So a year goes by and I had my flings with a few women yet still couldn't get her out of my mind. We reestablished our friendship and she expressed how much she loved me and felt for me it just took time for her to realize it. We began our relationship and in the beginning it was wonderful. I lost my virginity to her (and like anyones first time it was awkward). It felt great but I honestly just felt like it was just sex. I have really never had the desire or arousal around people, I think porn ruined a lot of good opportunities. As we continued to get more comfortable with sex I began to crave it immensely and even now still enjoy it (I love eating pussy and the thought of pleasing her makes me more comfortable than if she were to give me a bj or whatever.) I could careless if she did, I just want to make her happy because it makes me aroused to see it. What I'm getting at is that ever since we invited sex into our relationship, I have paranoid thoughts of looking into the future and loosing her or that I might fancy a man (because I find them attractive, as in an admiration) I've been constantly going online and asking questions, I have looked at gay porn and honestly it did not gross me out but it also did not arouse me. I also have been going in public and constantly going "Ok, do you find her attractive? Him attractive?" I have gone to therapy and it seems to have worked. I have been diagnosed with OCD in the past and have gone through different bouts of obsessive thoughts (HIV, Heart Problems, Head Injury). I guess I feel like I'm just not complete. I proposed to her and very much want to live with her the rest of my life, I just feel like sex and sexuality ruined my purity in what I really cherished. I have nothing against anyone or their identity. I have also have absolutely no denial that I find men attractive, I guess I have become obsessed with labels in general. I have told her my thoughts and she says "If this is something you need to do, then do it, I love you" but I don't have the urge to go and do it honestly. I consider myself asexual because I find both genders attractive but in reality have never craved any arousal from either or (just women in porn). I found love and yearn for her everyday, I do not plan on going anywhere. She is my first love and my first relationship so I have nothing to base these feelings on in earlier experiences. My fear is I will lose her to someone else or I will no longer feel for her. I guess I'm going through a typical relationship phase in which things become too ordinary and the initial spark I had in the beginning is gone. I'm happy with her and love what we have, I'm just not happy with myself. Do you guys think I'm bi? bi-curious or just someone who is denial? Maybe I just need to live for the now and enjoy my life with her and stop worrying about labels and just accept that I know I have always found men attractive and that is completely ok. I can still appreciate beauty regardless of gender. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 01:18 PM ---------- I guess I have come to determine I could be bi in the sense that I find men attractive as much as I find women attractive, but no desire for sex other than with my fiancé.
I dont think u really have attraction to men if you jist find there favial features attractive. Plus you juat find them attractive, your not attracted to that and dont want to have sex with them. Your mind is playing with you too much, keep going to therapy and stop worrying. Your not gunns feel sexual attraction to a guy. And from what ive heard, thats usual to not feel that excitement with sex anymore, because its with the same person every time, probably just need more things to make it better or "hotter" ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 01:34 PM ---------- Its okay to think the same sex looks attractive too. Everyone does it whether they know it or not. Because we can tell when a person is ugly, so that means its possible to see when a person looks good ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 01:43 PM ---------- Its like the same thing girls doo, they know when someone is pretty and all. They dont wanna go have sex with them. Unless you really wanna go try it with a guy then man then go do it. Otherwise if u dont feel the urge to or u dont want to then dont, because u may regret it. But its up to u
Oh and the Kinsey scale dude, dont forget about that. Im sure u know about it,if not research it definitely
Yeah I'm not actually finding them sexually attractive, I just have a fascination with facial features and facial hair. I'm always constantly changing the way I look. I'm so fed up with these thoughts because I literally wake up and instantly start thinking about them and judging myself even though in my head I have accepted it is ok but it is still such a chore. I never considered labels really until I got into a this relationship (being my first). I used to get called gay or whatever because people didn't understand that I wanted love over physical affection, it became that I didn't want people to know I was a virgin then as time went on I became comfortable with that it was completely ok. Could it be that I keep eyeing men because I lack self confidence in my own looks and rather than look at women.
It can be that. But I doubt it. You have ocd, I do to. I have had ocd my whole life. Suprisingly almost the same things, I thought I had an std even tho I never had sex, I thought my friends didnt like me, I thought my closest friends died if I didnt recieve a message from them right away, I was afraid my mom died or got in.a car accident any time I hear sirens and shes not home. The whole shabang. If you dont find them sexually attractive then dont do it. Your in your head way to much. I dealt with almost the same thing, im calming down now more, and Its going away how the fact I thought guys looked good in the face and hair. Its just your mind playing you TRUST ME. Whats happening is your in your head so much, that yoyr looking for what you fear, and when u look for it you find it. Simple as that. So ur just noticing guys look good. Dont let ur mind trick u that just because u think they looks good that u think that means sexual attraction. I constantly got told this from my therapist. She knew I was over thinking it. She told me to go out and just dont be afraid of talking to guys, I went out amd did it, opened myself up to it and opened myself up to being gay, and soon enough when I did that, a ton of fears I had all gone away and I realized "im not attracted to guys and I dont like them, what was I thinking?" And now its been a week since then and I can sure say a lot had calmed down and everything is getting more clear. If you dont feel sexual attraction then dont do it, everything else is in ur mind. Trust me I been there. Its regular old ocd, dont call it hocd or anything like that because its not. Its just obsessing constantly of "what if". You cant worry about the future man. Because no one knows the future. Your working yourself up as I did. And what did I do? Just went out and talked to guys again and all and opened up to being gay, then bam, realized I wasnt gay. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 02:40 PM ---------- By opening up I don't mean going out and having sex with guys. I mean just go talk to your friends, interact with guys again, hangout talk to them and all. It will bring everything back. You know what u are. Dont get into your mind. And your not curious dude. Your curious when you actually want to go out and do it. When you have the urge to tey and see what its like; hence why its called curious. Your not curious dude lol ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 02:46 PM ---------- And again, you can think guys look good. I can say the same when I see one. Its nothing dude. Everyone thinks guys cannot do that. Truth is, it happens with every single guy. My brother does it, but hes not gay or bisexual. He can say when a guy looks good or has cool hair. U just gotta not be so closed minded. Everyone thinks if u do one gay thing your automatically gay or bi sexual. Truth is that your not. Your human, u wonder and u think. Its simple as that. Do not over think it.
Yeah, sounds almost identical to me. I actually do not believe in HOCD, I think it is just OCD and this is what my OCD is using as a vessel. Because I am not ashamed in any of this, I can accept it no problem and have no issues in what people think. I just constantly wake up and instantly start telling myself "Will today be the day I stop thinking?" I'm already embracing my OCD and from there it spikes. I guess I just never had the opportunity to be with other women before I settled down. Point being, I am very happy with my woman and love her to the point I absolutely do not want anyone or desire anyone else. I think it is simply I am at the point where the relationship is slowly dwindling down and I'm experiencing what everyone goes through in any relationships and that alone is the fear. I fear things might change, she might get tired of my OCD and my constant worrying and leave me. My periods of OCD: -I sustained a head injury back in 08 and almost died (every once in awhile I will worry about a slow hemorrhage or something. Ex: When Brett Michaels had a hemorrhage and it went unnoticed for a year. -I feared of HIV/AIDS and I went in a headlong period where I avoided people and actually created scenarios I believed happened. Recently, this occurred when I had a canker sore and my fiance and I were kissing and she broke it and blood was transferred. -I had a period of constantly checking my pulse because I thought I had a heart attack or heart murmur. -I thought that because I couldn't "get it up" or whatever that I had ED. Or the time when she gave me a bj and brief thought of "What if this was a man?" popped up. I can honestly say sometimes bjs are nice but I'd much rather eat her out. -I suffer from hyperchondria and when I get sick my form of OCD is going online and checking symptoms.
Sounds like me dude haha. Just go and keep yourself open up to whatever. Dont be afraid of gay. Its one of the ways u will get out of it. I gave gay a fair chance. And it just never latched to me because its jist not who I was. I gave it its chance, its just when I accepted it and let it into my life, it quickly vanished. Keep going to therapy man and listen to what your therapist says. I was so afraid to talk to guys and all atuff that is gay. But I opened up to it. Let it all in. It came right in and left as quickly as it came in and makes me enjoy my life more now actually. Just relax. Do not get into your head. Focus on other things. Keep going to therapy. It will all get clearer. Btw how long has this been going on for? Your little gay/bisexual fear?
I have gone through periods of it. Once before in college, I couldn't honestly tell you what spiked it but it didn't last long and I could have cared less. Fast forward, this is my third bout with it in my relationship. It's extremely frustrating because I have been open and honest with my fiance and I know that she gets agitated to about it. I couldn't tell you what spikes it. It just happens and I run with it like a crazy person. I figured if it was truly a desire I would slowly just accept it and watch gay porn, fantasize or whatever. It just doesn't appeal to me, not natural for me. That doesn't mean I fear it because what I might not find appealing others might. Like I said, I actually tried to masturbate to gay porn out of impulse to my OCD and I kept thinking about my fiancé. It didn't bother me nor arouse me, it was just more like "Uh, yeah. That is definitely two men going at it."
And btw if ur gay ur gunna have to face it sooner or later, so jist say "fuck it" and go into it now. Give it its chance. If ur not gay great for u. If u are gay, great for u. Just get it over with faster man. Tahts what I did. I said "fuck it im just gunna let it have its chance". You know your not gay or bisexual. U knew that your whole lofe. Nothing can make you gay. So if ur not going into this then yoy wont coming out of it. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 03:14 PM ---------- Yeah exactly. There you go. You got to let it in. Face your fear man. When you gave it its chance, it didn't latch. Your more worried about "what if" now. That's worrying about the future. That the therapist can deal with. She couldn't tell u what u are. But she can deal with worrying about the future because thats mental.
Thanks man. I appreciate it. Everything will be fine. I just have to look at the fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow so why fathom over something that never was? Focus on my fiance and my happiness will find itself again in time. My thought process is that I am new to relationships in general and my insecurity in my ability to maintain us together is what I fear. I couldn't live my life without her.
Yes stop worrying about something thats not even there. And plus, your attracted to girls, and that does not leave you ever. If it was there before in your life it will stay there no matter what other attractions form. It does not just vanish, it does not work like that. So stop worrying. Dont let it take a big part ofnur life away. Its really nothing. When you think about it, you think worst and worst about it the longer u keep thinking. So just focus on the now. You have your gf. Focus on her, focus on making you both better together so you dont lose her. Focus on now. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2013 at 03:32 PM ---------- Oh and one more thing, stop trying to find out who your attracted to. My therapist said if u do that, you will only be fooling yourself. You need to stop worryinf about this every day. Once you stop worrying, then the attraction will come to whomever it is to be. Worrying who.your attracted to now is playing mind games. Calm this down. Stop thinking about it everyday. And you will realise once you dont think about it, you will be attracted to girls.
