Questioning my feelings.

Hi. I'm just posting to get a few outside opinions to some thoughts I've been having lately. I guess I could also say its a chance to vent and express the issues as I've no friends in real life to discuss these particular things with. (Well I've got one, but he is the "problem!")

I'm a 26 year old male from Australia. I've never been in a serious, or even semi-serious relationship. It's something I've never had a real strong desire for, I've had an interest in a few girls but never followed through. I was smitten by one for a very long time in and after high school, she was the object of my affection. I was constantly thinking about her and worrying about her (you could say I followed her like a lost puppy) but nothing came of it. I had never been attracted, physical, sexually or emotionally to another male. Though I could recognise positive traits, good looks, good personalities, ect. within guys I was never drawn to them.

A few months ago that changed. I started to have very strong feelings towards one of my online friends, he's a 26 year old from America. We've never met in person, but we generally speak to each other online every third day or so. I've known him for about 8-9 years, he told me he was gay a short time after we met and later admitted to having a crush on me. For the first couple of years he was extremely open with his and curious about my body, sexuality and experiences/preferences. I was however never interested, not all that curious or willing to share. So I mostly laughed it off and politely steered the subject elsewhere. He normally obliged. That extrovert-ness of his settled over time and he is no longer as "sharey".

So this is where my confusion comes in. This was very overnight thing for me, even though I had the chance to explore it gradually with the person I'm now extremely interested in, I never had an interest. I've also spent some time looking for any past feelings I may have had towards other guys (or him) but was in denial over and unwilling to accept. I really can't see any. I think this is a very sudden first.



Question for people who have been through this type of realisation before, I know that everyone comes about these things differently but is it common to have a big "eureka" moment and suddenly notice this type of thing?

I thought I'd be able to look back and see a subtle build up, or clues as to who I was/am buried in my past?

Any advice on this first part would be very appreciated.



There is now more that I wonder about this situation, I have reason to question the validity of these feelings. (This is more of a psychological or experiential area but maybe someone can help me with this.)

I was on somewhat of a self-destructive path, in the choices and actions I was taking. Which at the end of last year cost me the job that I loved and a few of the relationships I had with friends. I finally realised I needed help and sought treatment for depression. I'm now doing/feeling a lot better (A lot more stable!). Up until now, this friend was the only person I spoke to this about. He'd also been through simular and gave me a lot of help and support. He was the person I spent the vast majority of my time talking with during this process. Being unemployed gave me a lot of time to reconnect and catch up with him (not that we'd really fallen out of contact or anything)



So for people with more experience then I:

I've now started to wonder if the feelings towards him are purely me associating my new healthier, happier more positive feelings with him? (being the person I was closest to when they came to be)

Additionally, once these feelings came up I did express them to him, he was surprised but seemed happy/excited with the idea. He expressed that he has a "love for me" (though he's also said he loves all his friends, so don't know what it means specifically for me). He is/was (sadly) the first person to express an interest in me. I just wonder if that's playing on me as well, that I'm in love with the idea of being loved, and not so much him?

Can anyone give me some insights into this. Has anyone been through simular and how did things work out?



I know that exploring for myself and gaining experience is the likely best course forward as there is only so much that thinking about something can do for you. But as we live on opposite sides of the world it will be some time before we get a chance to meet and I can explore the feelings in a more real sense. He has expressed interest in visiting me sometime next year. Which is a long way off and I'd really love some clarity on the situation sooner rather then later.

I do think I love him, I've not felt this way about anyone before. I think about him all the time, and doing so brings me so much warmth and happiness. Talking with him, about anything, just puts me so at ease. I have such a desire of just curling up in his arms and being at peace. I just don't know how I can find out how real the feeling is until I get a chance to explore it. I know I may be a little naive' in this area, but it's all new to me.



I also know that things are different for different people and my outcome will be unique to me. I would love any advice people could provide. Thanks to anyone whose taken the time to read this.