Hello I started questioning when I was about 15, and I'm 20 now. I can handle it better now than I did back then, but something happened recently that makes me want to lose my mind. Basically I liked guys until I was about 14 or 15, at this stage I was in an all girls school. I was at a mixed summer camp, however, when I started finding girls attractive and didn't really have much interest in boys anymore. Basically I was uncomfortable with it and depressed, but eventually, after about 2 years, I accepted it. As soon as I accepted it I kind of went between asexual and gay. I want you to know that in this whole time since I accepted there has kind of been a grey area in that I don't really have crushes often. Anyway, last year I came to college, I had an open mind. After years looking at guys out of habit I told myself I would stop that, have an open mind, but prepare to still like girls and I was going to embrace it. A few weeks in, and I'm starting to feel like I'm into guys. So since this time last year I've been attracted to guys, every so often there have been attractive girls but just not in that way. I felt weird grasping the fact that I am probably straight after all I had experienced, maybe it had been hormones but even that was hard to accept. Any time a guy liked me back when I found girls attractive I always felt so guilty, and if he was persistent I would use tough love and not be very nice to them (which I regret). So I didn't let myself like anyone and I became kind of bitter, but lately I have been warming up to the idea of a boyfriend. So, my current problem... I met a guy who is very interesting to talk to and he's cute. I liked him the first time I met him but didn't think I'd see him again. I'm a logical person but I sometimes allow myself to look upon that night romantically :icon_redf (nothing happened just some "I want to kiss you"'s and hand holding). Anyway, I met him again and my friends were egging me on and saying how attractive he was and how alike we are. I think he likes me. But as soon as I started thinking something could come of this I just... I don't really feel anything anymore? In the past few days I've been really attracted to women again, I'm actually so typical. I'm so sick of this pattern, I'm getting lonely. I feel like if I go experiment I become disinterested in the gender I'm experimenting with? I feel exactly like I did before I started college, I feel like a voice deep down is saying "Don't lead him on, you're a lesbian!!" but I don't know, maybe that's a defense mechanism? I've never met a guy who really made me want to be in a relationship with him, but I have with girls even though my attraction to them vanished until now, this is the closest I've gotten to thinking I'd like to try, but there's all this same sex attraction bombarding me now. Like what is going on??! By the way, if anyone wants a confusion buddy I am here :3
Hi there! Erm if you really feel right with this guy, then I assume that you have absolute or almost full trust in him. You could: 1) tell him the truth. That you're a les/bi; but you're confused, that you need more time. If he is really in love with you, he will wait. He won't give up this chance no matter how slim it is although it could hurt him. 2) try to put yourself in different scenarios; your life without him, with him, do you want to get married, have kids? If the world was accepting of homosexuals and dating homos was the norm what would you do? If he was a female, what and how will you feel? How do you know you are a les/bi in the first place; what feeling did you get? Is that feeling the same when you love him? 3) confide in a trustable friend and listen to more advice/get more opinions Not a really good adviser (and bad english) myself as I've been in a similar situation as you but hope this helps! And all the best
You could be bisexual.curious or u could be lesbian. But, there is some stuff here that shows that there is an emotional block going on and it's hindering your sexual aspects. (i've taken heavy college courses for psychology,,,so don't take my over analyzing as me being rude or not understanding. That's not the case at all.) There are two things you say that make me thing it's something emotionally going on and not just a sexual identification issue: 1)"But as soon as I started thinking something could come of this I just... I don't really feel anything anymore?In the past few days I've been really attracted to women again, I'm actually so typical. I'm so sick of this pattern, I'm getting lonely." 2)"After years looking at guys out of habit I told myself I would stop that, have an open mind, but prepare to still like girls and I was going to embrace it. A few weeks in, and I'm starting to feel like I'm into guys." These two contradict each other. 2) When you said this i feel like you are actually truly attracted to men... not truly attracted to girls. Because if you did this and you still couldn't get your mind off of girls than i would say "MAJOR SIGN!" But, that's not the case here. 1)but as soon as you could think of a future with this man...it freaked you out and you reverted back to woman.. women are like a safe haven for you, because i feel like deep down you know nothing could come of it for ya. This might have been caused by certain personality traits for example you might have an extreme form of shyness (they no longer consider shyness as a personality trait well in psychology) or you might have had family issues that caused u to fear committment with a male...maybe your parents got divorce when you were young or maybe u have a sibling who is significantly older and you saw them go through so much issues when it came to a committed relationship. Considering you're at a college most colleges have a free counselor center for mostly full students. I would advise to go to them...and have sessions and talk about what's going on.. so they can help you identify if you are really bisexual/lesbian or if there is just an emotional/cognitive block going on. I hope this helps and i hope you didn't take any offense to what I said.
I'm aware that they contradict each other, that's my problem. I am incredibly shy and I always have been, I have tried to overcome my shyness but I never could. In secondary school I got pretty depressed and I wasn't that shy exactly, but still quiet I guess. It's really logical to think I have daddy issues but I don't, there's stuff going on in my family but nothing to do with a man. Even though I find men "hot" and might fantasize about them, in reality I couldn't bring myself to do anything sexual. I've gone to counselling but they didn't help. They didn't really understand, they told me not to use labels, they're right but labelling myself isn't really my problem I block my emotions and memories all the time and you're probably on to something, I just don't feel like I can get the help I need for that. You're English is fine Well we don't love each other. He's the kind of person who would humbly back off if I told him I was confused. He's the kind of person I want to hear talk for hours and I want to cuddle with but the rest... I don't know. I put myself in scenarios constantly, and nothing feels right with men or women in the scenarios, hence my confusion. I want kids, and I want to get married but not sure if I will, I can't imagine myself staying. When I'm thinking about my sexuality the tolerance of everyone else rarely comes into it anymore either. If he was a girl and I knew him like I knew him now I might like him, but I probably wouldn't know him like I do now because he'd be a girl. I know that sounds complicated but it's how I feel. I actually started talking to a guy online... except I thought he was a girl at first. I didn't exactly crush on her but I felt very fond of her and liked talking to her. When I realized that she never said she was a girl and found out he was a he I felt disappointed and it wasn't the same. I kept telling myself it shouldn't matter because he's the same person but well stuff happens.
Look for a LGBT group/support center near ya... they have groups for people who need guidance. They might even help you. also if you do block ur emotions and memories.. that block might be acting like a wall between you and the guy. even explore committment... what does commitment mean to you...what is asked of you in a committment...what do you feel you gain and loose with a committment... and write it down (be very honest with yourself)-not saying you aren't lesbian or even bisexual, but it's better to do some soul searching- you just might fear commitment... and once you get over that you can have a healthy relationship with a male or female...and in the end truly know. And who knows once you get over this (possible) commitment issue... it may no longer be foggy. it really seems more like something emotionally going on first...and once you go over that hurdle... then your sexuality will make sense. or maybe your just not ready for a relationship at all... idk what else to say really, but the first thing to do is explore the facts (write a paper abut being with a woman, what u would want with a woman, how would ur relationship be with her...then write a paper about a man and do the same thing [feelings before you even go further with a male or female]..), then explore your feelings your emotions (how do i actually when i am with a male or female.. what emotions comes up -including fears.. and identify those fear-), after meditate on it. In the end i would just advise to go on a date with a chick... and see how it goes. play both sides for a while. (but i really do think first you have to face whatever issues you have with relationships before you move onto dating a dude or dudette.) -really hope you don't think i am judging, but follow your heart..learn to listen to it-
