Hey there I'm almost 18, female and have been questioning my sexual orientation for the past 3-4 years. I grew up in a very tolerant environment, so that it might also be that this uncertainty is related to some kind of wish that I might be something different from straight - if this makes sense... so better watch out for the biased parts of my writing, if there are any... ;-) I didn't care about love, sexuality and so on until the age of 14, when I got to know a girl. As we both did not get on well with the other classmates, but liked each other, we became best friends. We talked about very personal stuff, i.e. the several guys she had fallen for. But, at the same time (probably sounds paradox), we became more and more unsure if we had fallen in love with each other. We had started holding hands, and it felt so good. Some teachers even asked if we were a couple. One day, when we were on a trip together, she asked me to sleep in her bed, but I was anxious, and, in addition, not ready for anything that might have happened or not. There are some moments today when I find myself regretting that. But I know I wasn't ready. We were torn apart some months later as her parents moved to another town. We met again twice, and were texting quite often, but I found that we became more and more different over time, slowly reducing contact. There was a day 1 1/2 years ago when I received a message from her, the first one for weeks, only saying "I love you", which totally distracted me, making me text back "I love you, too". Then contact broke again. From back then, I started questioning my sexuality. I had slight crushes on boys every now and then, which made it difficult to figure out. It was about a year ago that a boy confessed his love to me. Well, I had also crushed on him for a short period of time a lot earlier, and we had been texting for the past few months. But I had always thought we were just best friends. His confession totally confused me, making me alternately feel hot and cold. One week later, we first kissed. I ended the relationship around half a year later, after weeks of on-and-off. Not only that he was a wimp - sex with him was getting on my nerves and sometimes fest disgusting, maybe because he appeared to be dick-driven and dumb. Although I had been convinced that I loved him incredibly much only some days before, I suddenly knew I had to break up immediately, and after that I forgot him at once. That's been a few months ago. I've started questioning my sexual orientation again. I've made up stories containing lesbian fantasies (mainly not involving myself) for at least three years, and it never felt wrong. Hetero-fantasies would soon become boring. I found that I find female bodies attractive. Before I met my ex-boyfriend, male bodies seemed quite boring to me. Now they remind me of him and it makes me feel disgusted. Some are good-looking, though. ;-) I've only had male crushes, and - as far as I remember - at least 3 serious ones. And the one on that girl. I've never crushed on any other girl. I've always rejected the idea of being bisexual - because I feel that my attitudes towards male and female aren't the same. But maybe that's biased, who knows? ;-) Sorry for the long writing, I know I'm the one who eventually has to figure out, but maybe you could provide me with some advice on how to find out what my orientation actually is. Thanks! ;-)
I personally think it sounds like you are biromantic. What that means is that while you feel an emotional connection to both genders, you don't necessarily get sexually attracted to them, and any sexual attraction to the others is purely from the romantic part. You almost sound as though you are a biromantic hetero/homosexual. Making up fantasies don't necessarily mean to attraction. It could be a biproduct of your ex boyfriend who was very rough sexually, whereas women may fill the void that was lacking. All that said though, I would probably explore the feelings towards women a little more before you label yourself. Keep in mind that sexuality is rather fluid and even if you are bisexual, it's entirely possible to greatly prefer one sex.
Hi Abbra, thanks for your respond. I also thought into that direction, and I'm probably not experienced enough to find and answer. But something inside myself wishes to receive an answer tending to one sex or the other, although such an answer might not exist. But just to keep that clear: I enjoyed these fantasies even before I met my ex-boyfriend. Shortly before we came together, I was quite sure of being straight, but maybe I was just curious and wanted to know how it feels to be in a relationship, and am now drifting back towards questioning as every male body/fantasy will make me think of him, which almost makes me puke.
Anyone any more input? Again, I've been very confused for the last few days, looking for arguments. Anybody got some advice?
It sounds to me like you're heteroromantic and homosexual. I wish I had more to say, but sexuality is so confusing, just get out there and experience
