I've been lurking these forums for some time now, and I could use a little advice or maybe just some affirmation that I'm not alone in this. I think I may be in denial, and having trouble accepting my sexuality. There are times I feel comfortable with who I am, and other times that I'm really anxious. Growing up, homosexuality was rarely brought up or discussed, and anything I heard about it was mostly negative. I never really had crushes on guys... I would only say I did in order to impress the other girls or get their attention. If I did think a guy was cute, it was mostly because he was really feminine or androgynous. By the time I was about 16, I had a few crushes on girls and even dated one for a few months. Back then I thought I was a lesbian, and being with a girl felt right. However, when I came out to my mom, she thought it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. After my girlfriend broke up with me, I finally had the time to really look at myself and I started to resent that I was gay. Since I never dated a guy before, and my mom doubted me, I wondered if I ever really gave guys a chance. It was then that I thought maybe if I were bisexual, there was still I chance I could be "normal" without completely denying my attraction to girls. For nearly six years I identified as bisexual (mostly in the closet), and during that time I constantly tried to ignore my attraction to girls. I would even feel ashamed if my eyes shifted towards one. A few years later when I was 19, a guy I worked with liked me. Initially I wasn't particularly interested, but I thought I should at least try. We were together for maybe a year, and even had sex. I found romantic interaction with him kind of uncomfortable, but we were good friends so I stuck it out anyway. I even remember lying in bed during sex staring at the ceiling holding back tears. He was totally in love with me, and even though I should have been happy... I just couldn't be. He'd talk about us having a future together, and that's when it really hit me that I may not have the opportunity to date another woman ever again. I felt really disappointed by that, and eventually when I got the chance, I broke up with him. I haven't dated anyone else since. Now I'm 23, and my anxiety (some of it stemming from my sexuality) has held me back from enjoying life. About 6 months ago, I finally decided to stop ignoring my feelings for girls and look for more information/support. I watched videos, read articles, and even found this wonderful website. I'd read about other people's experiences and burst into tears. It was then that I admitted to myself that I'm completely gay, and have no desire to be with men. I came out again to my mom, and she's supportive for the most part this time. I should be glad, and ready to move on with my life but I'm not. Even today, I still have my doubts. What if I'm wrong? I mean, I slept with a guy... what if I'm not gay and it's just all in my head? I feel like people won't take me seriously because I was with a guy in the past. Are these doubts normal? It seems so obvious looking back on my life that I'm only into women, but I'm also scared to be wrong. I know labels are kind of silly, but I'm tired of all the anxiety surrounding my sexuality. Can you still be in denial even years later? Am I just scared to accept that I'm gay? Has anyone else felt this way and what did you do to feel better about it? Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I really appreciate it >_<.
there is no right or wrong. So you can't be wrong What about accepting that orientation can be fluid for some people? Or that only some are 100% straight or gay, but many are for example 90% gay and 10% straight? I have no idea if that makes them bi. The point is, you really don't need a label. You know how you feel. *hug*
Hi It's really common for even openly gay people to have issues and unhappiness about their sexuality. Just because you slept with a guy doesn't mean it's all in your head. If you feel in your heart that you want to be with girls, that's okay. If you ever meet a guy who you genuinely can't stay away from then that's okay too. It's all about awaking up next to someone who gives you butterflies. It can be really hard to overcome all this doubt but you just have to be truthful with yourself, others don't matter, as long as you be honest with yourself and do what makes you happy. It does sound like you're in denial and trying not to close the door to men because they're what would make you normal, however I went through that before and wasn't even able to admit that I may have just been in denial, so the answers probably inside you somewhere. Feel free to PM me if you like
Hi, Navi and welcome to EC! Gosh, reading your story reminds me so much of myself and what I went through. Initially, I came out as bisexual, dated a guy for many years and we had kids together. I was so unhappy, so we went our separate ways and then, I came out again as gay. I had always known that I was gay, but I could not accept it. I felt like I was drowning in misery and it was making me physically ill, but not anymore! I've been with men in the past, only to convince myself that I was not gay. It did not work at all and it left me even more confused. I felt like pretending to be someone else was tolerable at times, but once I started seeing gay couples out and about, I could not hide anymore. I felt like I deserved to be happy no matter what, but it was not an easy process. I truly do not believe that you being gay is all in your head, and please forget about those who will not take seriously because of your past. I'm sure your family and friends will love you regardless of who you decide to date. Just remember, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss I think having doubts is most definitely normal because I've had them as well. And if you're not ready to come out to people then that is okay. You do not owe anyone anything and let's say you are wrong, it's not like you are signing a contract for the rest of your life. Our attractions can shift over time and it does not make your attractive towards women any less authentic. All I ask you to do, is to follow your heart and everything else will fall into place. Nice name by the way and congrats on coming out to your mom again
hiii i have to deny it every day every minute and second because where i live no one is gonna understand me and i'm falling for my best friend and once we had a romantic that just happened and i'm not able to let her out my mind , i know it very well i do have to end with a man even i wanted or not still can't do anything but right now i'm attracted to girls and i have to hide my sexuality... have to end up in tears...
