I'm trying to figure out what I am. I can't decide if I'm straight, bi, lesbian, or something else. When I was little, the concept of liking another girl never even crossed my mind. I only ever thought it could be boys. I had crushes on boys. I even imagined being naked with a boy (I was five, though, so the extent of my imagination was simply lying next to him, nothing more). I didn't even really hear the term "gay" until middle school, when I entered the public school system (before that I was in a private parochial elementary school). Even when I heard it I didn't know the meaning. One day I googled it and still, the idea didn't seem to make any sense to me (I was also confused because I heard people say "that's so gay" to the most ridiculous random things, so of course I was really bewildered). It didn't seem real. Every year starting in around seventh grade, though, I would become obsessed with one girl (a different person every school year). I would admire her figure. I would always just want to watch her, and see what she was doing. I'd always think how pretty she was. At the time (and sort of now) I thought it was just envy and admiration. But at some point in eighth or ninth grade, that began to change, and as I learned more about homosexuality, I began to wonder if that was what it was. I still had crushes on boys. I didn't ever date or have a boyfriend (still haven't). But I started to notice girls, and to have crushes on them. And then I started to meet people (only a couple) who identified as bisexual or pansexual (I've never met a lesbian) and the idea really began to become a solid one in my mind. I started watching gay couples on youtube. I became really obsessed with them, and admired them so much. A few months ago, I discovered porn. And I was entirely repulsed by the sight of a penis - I just thought it was the most disgusting thing to look at. The thought of having one inside me made me sick, so I only ever watched/watch lesbian porn because I hated seeing a penis so much. So obviously the idea of having sex with a guy seems completely awful to me. And the idea of having sex with a girl (and I know that porn isn't an accurate reflection of lesbian sex) seems so amazing. This is getting very long and rambly. But I guess here's the gist - now, I like girls romantically and sexually. And I don't know if I like boys romantically. Or sexually. Because if I see a cute guy I immediately register "He's attractive" or "he's cute." But I still think sex with a guy would not be right for me. But right now I really really like this girl (she's pansexual) and I like her both emotionally and sexually. So am I a lesbian? Or am I bi? If I'm a lesbian, how come I never liked girls as a kid? Or am I straight and just influenced by learning about homosexuality? I'm completely lost and I think about this all the time and can't ever decide.
It's possible that you could be a lesbian if you feel that you want to be with a girl, but you should take some time to think about what label would fit best if there is one. Your sexuality takes time to develop when you grow up, and it's different for everyone, which is the best explanation I know as to why you might have never liked girls as a kid. I don't think learning about it influenced you, it could of just helped you discover what you like. There's no rush to decide, take time to think about it. Good luck <3
It sounds like you are really aesthetically attracted to guys, but not sexually maybe? Just go with the flow, if you think you just like girls then explore that, but it's okay if you meet a guy who you like too. Even some straight girls think penises are gross to look at, but for you it sounds like a bit more than that. Give it time, loads of people fluctuate If you just liked boys when you were younger, it was probably a mix of the influence of society and being at least a little attracted to them. If you're sure about how you feel, I'd say you count as bisexual, seeing as it sounds like you do check guys out and think they're hot. However if you're sure you wouldn't date one or enjoy sex with one you could use the term lesbian for convenience so others understand you only fall in love with girls? (Only if that's the case, of course). I was the same, I started liking only girls in my teens and I was wondering why I liked boys when I was a kid and not girls. And now I like guys again, but it's very unlikely we're that similar so you don't have to worry about any more confusion like that Just go with what feels right, you don't need to announce a label to the world til you're ready and that.
