I've been struggling with this for quite some time and it still bothers me almost every day. I'm fairly certain that I'm Bisexual. I definitely like girls, and the more I let myself the more obvious it seems to me that I like boys as well, and yet there's still a part of me that is holding back from embracing the idea. Maybe it's because I've spent so long trying to cover up those feelings, whatever kind of feelings they are, but whenever I get to the point of saying "Yeah, I am Bi." there's a voice in my head that's shouting "No you're not!". Maybe it's denial, maybe it's fear, maybe it's actually right and I'm getting way ahead of myself, I just don't know anymore. Part of the problem is that my relationship experience is limited in the extreme. I've had my fair share of crushes but actual committed relationships have been few and far between to say the least. I've had two girlfriends, neither of them for very long, and neither of them got very far. In the 'baseball' terminology of relationships, I've never even made it to First Base [yes, I know that's kinda pathetic for a nineteen year old but whatever]. So basically the lack of real relationship experience with either sex has made it hard for me to really nail down what my feelings are. I definitely notice good looking people of both genders, and I've started to notice a few patterns in the kinds of guys that I find attractive. Usually when these kinds of thoughts enter my head I've just shook my head and been like "Yeah, whatever. He's good looking - good for him, I don't care. I like girls." etc. etc. I'm sure that just about everyone here who's ever struggled with their sexuality can relate. Obviously my attempts to bury these feelings under a mountain of attractive females was more successful than it would have been for a gay guy due to the fact that I actually do like girls, but the thoughts about guys were always there cropping up. More recently when I've let myself think and feel whatever came naturally it's gone to other places, and I can see myself holding, kissing, cuddling with whatever guy I'm looking at - and I like it. I get that same feeling of longing inside that I do when I think about being with a girl I like, but then my brain goes into panic mode and I start throwing up barriers again. So yeah, I'm fairly certain that I'm Bisexual, but for whatever reason part of me still doesn't accept that, or is trying to tell me I'm wrong, or something. I don't know. I've started writing this post five times in the past and keep deleting it cause I tell myself I'm being stupid, but I just want to get it off of my chest. I don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about it because I'm too scared to tell anyone about it. Even the people at the Gay Pride group at my school think that I'm a "Straight Ally" [or at least that's what I've told anyone who asks] because I'm such a pathetic coward. I want to just embrace who I am, but I can't do that because a large part of me is still caught in the middle of this giant fucking gulf trying to figure it out, which is all the more frustrating because it seems more and more like it's pretty obvious. All I know is that I'm still just as confused as ever, and I just want to be whoever it is that I am and be happy with it. I'm sorry for ranting. Can anyone relate to this at all? Does anyone have any advice for how to discover and accept myself more readily? I'm tired of being afraid of myself and my feelings, I just want some kind of ground to stand on so I can start moving forward.
I can definitely relate to your story. That's exactly how I felt only a couple of weeks ago. "I just want to be whoever it is that I am and be happy with it" - you said it yourself. I know that it can be frustrating when you are questioning your sexuality but try to be patient for a bit: I wouldn't recommend 'forcing' anything to happen but, if anything does happen, go along with it. It is important to just be yourself and try to be happy with your life. Or you could explore your sexuality. Personally, what I did to figure out my sexuality was I travelled to a series of larger towns/cities and looked at people. Creepy, I know but it helps if you try to spot people you find attractive (or can imagine having a relationship with). I did that and spotted a whole ton of hot guys; now I know I am definitely bisexual. Sorry for the blocks of text, hope it helps you
Hey there, fellow hockey fan (hehe). Well, I can certainly understand what you're going through from the self-doubt side of things as well as the lack of experience. I'm 25 and have never made it to first base either (heck, I've never even 'stepped up to the plate' yet because I'm so sure no one will like me and things will never work out). I also end up retyping a lot of my posts because I'm not sure of my feelings and not sure what's sharing too much, what should be shared/shouldn't be/etc. I just read your introduction and noticed that you are in a Catholic family and area with a homophobic father. Well, it's no wonder to me that you'd be confused! My family was pretty orthodox and could be passively rigid in its ways. My parents made homophobic comments and didn't support gay marriage or anything. You see, when you grow up around all that, and you're a fairly intelligent person (as I can see you are, hah), it's hard not to hear that stuff and really internalize a lot of it. It really goes to the heart because you're the one actually experiencing it. You're the one most effected by it. Over the years, you learn that those feelings aren't right, that they're immoral or deceptive. It's very hard to overcome internalized homophobia. After all, what if it was the other way around? What if you were supposed to fall in love with boys and started falling for girls? Would you feel the same way? Possibly, but only if the world around you had been teaching you that such a thing was immoral and "a poor choice that you were making." I don't know, I guess my response rambles a bit too. Just know that I know the pain all too well, man. Differences in my case being that I found out I'm almost strictly gay and am invisibly disabled, which adds to the difficulty in me feeling confident to approach anyone. I hope this helped at least a little.
Thanks for the supporting words guys. I know this is something that I'm not going to be able to solve overnight but damn if it isn't frustrating. I really just wish that I could be done with it but it's just a slow agonizing process that frustrates me more than anything else. Still, I'm on this road to the finish, and one way or another I'm going to figure myself out and be happy with who I am when I get there. I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
Hey there, I completely understand what you're going through more or less. I identified very strongly as straight up until I fell madly in love with another woman. For two years of my "madly in love-can't sleep-can't eat-all I can think about is her" phase I still was telling myself "this is just deep friendship". It took until year 3 that I was like "well, maybe she's just an exception"....and then year 4 I was drenched in tears and despair when I realized that it's not just her that I'm attracted to, it's women in general. I looked back at my past relationships with men and realized that all the times I felt uncomfortable or bored had nothing to do with the man but more to do with the fact that I'm a straight up lesbian. That whole realization process was grueling and horrible. The acceptance part was even harder; I've been through a lot of things in my life but none of them compare to the pain I felt from being the "disgusting" lesbian. The problem is that we are all force fed some stupid information about sexuality and the lgbt community in general and we internalize all that shit. Just a couple years ago, I was convinced that if I dressed girlier than I already do, that I could become straighter. What type of craziness is that? Well, thanks to heteronormative society I felt this way. It's laughable though, because if you were to see me in real life you'd actually see that I'm already super feminine and getting even more feminine wouldn't get me anymore. haha So that was my long rant.... I wanted to note that even though I'm a lesbian I can tell when a man is handsome. The biggest difference is really just this passion that I feel with women I like-like versus men....I just always want to wrap my arms around her, kiss her, write her love poems and do the x-rated stuff. All that came naturally to me. Doing that with a man though felt so forced and unnatural. The only way that I figured that out though was by getting out there and dating women....if you would like to really get out there you should probably try going out with guys and seeing how that feels. I wish you all the best! You have my support!
