(WARNING: ESSAY) Just when I had it all figured out.... VENTING

Another sexual orientation dilemma. (Why is it so hard? Sorry for the wall of text, I just need to vent! But thanks in advance if you did read it! Hope I didn't bore you to tears :L )

Okay, so I have been having casual sex with a man I find attractive ( let's call him Eomer), in so many ways and if he asked me to go out with him I would jump at the chance. But he won't.

Friday night, I saw Eomer at the bar we both frequent. He was chatting to some girl who was throwing herself at him and he was not interested. After she leaves he approaches me. He's very happy, drunk and on acid. He comes home with me and stays until 4pm the next day.

(This is about to get very complicated, so I will try my best to simplify it!) In the last few months I have been having anorgasmia with any partners, even myself and a touch of vaginimus. The last few times I have had sex I have been getting better and getting closer to reaching climax. I think I have a low sex drive naturally too though. I lost my virginity when I was 12, although I really didn't want to at the time I faked that I did because I thought that was what was expected of me. But I had never had these sexual problems before, or even after losing my v-card ( although, I can recall one instance where my "walls" tightened before and were impenetreble ). I never had a loving long term relationship ( after the first time I shut down socially and became a recluse), and the longest I've been in a relationship was 3 months. I have trust issues and I have social anxiety, both of which have been getting better. Despite only being a casual relationship, Eomer is the only person I have had the most sexual encounters with.

Now, these sexual problems I think appeared in the last 4 months or so, when I started to really question my sexuality and my anxiety was pretty high. Growing up I used to consider myself "not entirely straight" in that I wanted a boyfriend but I was also open to the idea of having sex with a woman, although I wouldn't want a relationship with one. I did also watch a lot of lesbian porn because I felt hetero porn was to dispassionate and focused to much on organs that I being a girl do not have. I did like romantic hetero porn vids and I like gay guys too, and growing up I became quite dependant on porn for sexual release, having no love life to speak of really ( I messed around with a few guys from 17 onwards).

But the peak of the beginnings of these problems began I think one day when I got high with a two of my friends. I was already anxious that we give off a gay vibe because we dress very androgynous, or hipsterish, hippie. But while I got my first anxiety attack in my life because I felt that the moments was leading up to the three of us about to have lesbian sex. Nothing happened, but my heart was racing and I was nauseous. That shook me and since then I actually cannot smoke anymore or these thoughts come back again, and it turns into full blown out paranoia, especially when I am around these two, or similar situations that make me uncomfortable.

I would like to point out that my family would be very accepting if I was gay and I have gay friends, but I was also very attracted to a guy in my college at the time.
Fast forward a few months, I've moved out for the first time and I have my same to friends over as well. We had a crazy night of partying, and everytime we got together there seemed to be a lesbian vibe that was mutually felt, my friend (Jes) an I were not comfortable with it, and our friend (Rach) was very pushy with it. We went out, mdma and weed again, and things escalated, and we fooled around a bit. I liked the way the caressing went, which aroused me, but I did not like the kissing and I did not like boobs and the whole thing felt very forced ( killed all arousal ). I tried to just relax and go through with it but I just couldn't. Jes felt uncomfortable with Rach and the situation too, and basically was the same as me.

Fast forward a few months, and I have my first one night stand, with Eomer. and I was so pleased with myself because I managed to bring home this guy I found unbelieveably attractive ( I never end up with guys I find overly attractive, of all the guys I've been with I have genuinely only found 4 extremely attractive physically, I always settled before). Sex was great apart from the fact my vaginimus flared up and my lack of orgasm, but when there was penetration I enjoyed it and I was happy to pleasure him ( I actually like giving head, I just feel inexperienced sexually ). I felt instinctively straight with him, comfortable and the first time I felt comfortable naked around anyone.

Since then, our one night stand has had several repeats, and each time my problems take babysteps in the right direction ( coming closer to climax, I'm seeing a sex therapist, little to no vaginimus ). But, since it's casual there is no garuntee for sex. When he doesn't come home with me my paranoia and obsession seems to flare up. I question if I'm gay, question if all my sexual hang ups are actually just "signs". I've always wanted a boyfriend, but growing up my sex drive was low, having relied on access to porn I never really persued relationships with guys I actually liked for the shame/guilt I felt towards my family having lost my virginity so young, so I ended up with unavailable guys, or guys I dated because I knew they liked me.

Also in my group of friends 3/5 guys came out as guy and the other two, although seemingly straight have been giving me gay vibes. We are not and have never been a very sexual group, another source of shame/guilt I feel if I talk about sex around them.

I see patterns everywhere in society that seem to orientate towards gay people and I can't unsee them anymore. I have never looked at women sexually before, but I did compare myself to them, but lately now I am terrified that those comparisons actually mean something more. I do connect more easily with women, and people when there is no threat of sexual tension. Although, once I talk to guys I like I feel good and happy, even with the sexual tension. I am for gay rights and in clubs when women have hit on me I feel flattered but I don't feel the need to act on it. Same when guys hit on me, unless I find them attractive, I don't act upon it. I think when Eomer doesn't want to hang around with me I think I must not have acted a certain way or sent the right signals or anything. I was so worried he thought I was gay too because I am so inexperienced and with my problems on top of all that, and sometimes he questions whether he is straight, so I am terrified we are both just in denial, as well as my friend Jes because we all seem to experience similar problems or things that cause us anxiety, but he enjoys sex, and I enjoy sex with him too.

I am sorry for writing such an essay. I just need to get it off my chest. Like it's driving me insane, one day i spent the whole day comparing my index finger and my ring finger to indicate whether I was gay or straight. I even look at other people's fingers who I know to be gay/straight/questioning to check that theory.....

I'd also like to add that while on drugs I have come out to people and thought I would feel "freer" and thought it would be my solution but afterwards didn't feel any different. I didn't even like a girl or any girls at the time but it just felt like I had to say it to check almost. I think deep down I just want a guy like Eomer to go out with and have a relationship with, as I've been with other guys since him and he is all i think about, even though we don't have a relationship. But I feel that that will never happen because I'm not the "relationship" type or my inexperience will never get me there.



Basically I'm scared that I am not being honest with myself and that I actually am gay and my whole life has been a lie and I feel like there is something within me that I can't even see and this is the only answer I can come up with. I am not comfortable to be myself ( although I am getting better), I'm always on guard and I'm afraid this is why.

 

Thank you for reading it all! And thank you for your words! I am trying to work through those sex issues with my therapist, and maybe I'll feel better

I've never considered that, I suppose it's true, I've always had "I'm fine with homosexuals as long as I'm not one of them" attitude, which is highly unfair. But lately I've been trying to accept that it's okay not to know. I've always been theoretically open to sex with same sex, but not relationships, because to me it does feel unnatural, although I have been trying to be more okay with that too. I've never thought that it could all be internalised homophobia.

Thanks for your perspective hilltophouse!