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My obsession in who I am.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LostnDelirious, Sep 30, 2013.

  1. Okay,Basically Ive been bi curious for wow 12 years.I am in a long term relationship with the father of my 2 kids.Growing up as a teenager I had always thought I was gay though I dated 2 boys but nothing serious with either.Before dating 1 I had come out gay to a sibling at 11 during that time I was messing around with my female friend cuddling and fondling each other.I liked boys but that was it at 15 I came out to 2 friends who didn't take me serious so I left it at that.At 17 I had met my now partner I told him I was bisexual and had tried to hide my urges but failed I had a crush on his female friend and tried hitting onto her she rejected me and well I embarrassed him myself and her.He was not wanting to experiment or me too so I left it at that.I opened up to my stepdad as my mother was ill at the time with mental health issues,He warned me that my grandmother who I was very close to believed being gay was an abomination as she was religious.So I continued to hide that curious side and stayed with my partner.I could not bring myself to sleep with him I thought there was something wrong with me I saw counsellors to resolve my fear while hiding what I felt.It took me a while to open up sexually with him he was my first it was nothing I imagined i had no excitement from it.I ended up leaving home as I couldn't take the stress.I lived with my grandparents while having my boyfriend stay sometimes he was my rock through all the crap in life.my urges followed me and I almost ended up in a dangerous situation due to wanting to be with another woman I was tricked by 2 men thankfully I got out unhurt.The years past and I left all that behind as it caused too much pain,Had our kids wasn't until before becoming pregnant with my 2nd I started going online to talk to women initially was just to get to know other mums.I started talking to this 1 lady and before I know it I was getting feelings for her or maybe it was just the excitement 2 years later and we have been talking online only in a romantic way and not just with her I've been talking to other women too but have disconnected myself from the others but still occasionally talking to this 1.Everything had changed now I've become so obsessed over this (emotional affair) that I can't think straight I've walked away many times but find myself drawn back.I know it's wrong to all and I've lost my way.Knowing I have sexual tendacies towards other women kills me.When I'm around certain women I find myself wanting to make eye contact wanting to touch,kiss ect.Im obsessed with anything to do with lesbian movies music I've gone off sex this whole time I'm lucky to want it once a month.I think my partner supspects as he often says he knows why Im not interested because I'm gay.Am I? I dunno all I know is I don't think this is a phase I can escape from.Will I be able to move on with my life after opening pandoras gay box ??