Long, Rambly Confusion

This is an in advance apology for the long, rambly, pointless post of confusion.

Alright so, I think I might be bi.

I know there's nothing wrong with that and I know it's not weird or abnormal or anything. However, where I come from [more the town than the state though that plays a part of it too] being anything but straight can get your face seriously messed up. I've seen kids beaten up and shoved down steps and bullied in all sorts of ways because of it. I even had a friend back in high school who was bullied to the point where he took his own life all because he was gay and people couldn't accept that. :tears: A sum up of my family is that they would never accept me as being anything but straight. Homophobic and denial of anything homophobic, Bible thumping, church going family. So yeah, we can see why I'd shove down any attraction to other females. :eusa_doh:

My attraction for the opposite gender was shoved down more because of my fellow classmates than anything else. When hormones were first starting kicking in with the kids in my year a bunch of girls made it their mission to prove that I was a lesbian. They would always tear apart magazines I brought to school and hold up pictures of the celebrity guys they'd torn out of the magazine and start "is he hot? what about him? do you think he's hot?" etc. It embarrassed me greatly and I just really wanted to make them mad so I'd always say no. All attraction for them was pushed down.

Now that I'm out of high school I've started wondering. My friends just labeled me asexual since I never showed interest in anyone around my town, though how could I considering how they'd treated me over the years. But I knew that wasn't right and I just used "straight" to define me. Now though I don't believe that's right either. There's attraction to more than just guys there.

There have been girls over the years that I've felt an attraction to, even had a crush on a couple of them, but I always pushed it away as just being jealous of their good looks or their popularity or whatever. Anything to not call it attraction. :bang:

Now that I'm starting to actually open myself up a bit more and actually look at these feelings I've buried so deep for so long I'm realizing that I do believe I'm bi. The girls I mentioned above and then there've been girls in the past who've hit on me and I would get all "warm and fuzzy" inside [I cannot believe I just said that :dry: ]. I mean it could have totally just been the fact that someone actually liked me or it could have been that it was hot girls messaging me up asking if I was gay and single.

The biggest one I feel is a girl I went to high school with. She was hot and told me she was going to "turn me gay" so I would date her. The fact that she then accused me of being "everything a gay girl would want" and I was very excited about that and pushed the whole "how so" bit to the point of having friends being suspicious feels like it says something for itself.

But yeah...I think I might be bi, but I have no experience with girls and the experience I've had with boys is limited to one boyfriend who tried to force more on me than I wanted and almost didn't take no for an answer. So...I don't know.... :help:

 

Yeah, if I figure out that I am in fact bi I probably won't be telling anyone around here. The last thing I need for my low self-esteem is people messing with me because of the gender of the people I like.

My only issue with messing around with a girl is the fact that there's not really any girls around here I'd want to mess around with because if I did everyone around town would know it by the time I returned home. I live in one of those little towns where everyone knows everyone and everyone is in everybody else's business.