So scared to really deal with this

OK, I had a bit to drink tonight and when that happens I usually see how empty my life has become and want more.

So...with alternative 90's rock playing I'll just write for whoever the hell is out there. Might make me feel better tonight.

Grew up in the south usa, everyone seemed to be hateful to anyone not cut from the same cloth. I hid. Oh, yeah forgot to mention I'm bisexual. Women turn me on and so do their clothes. Having relationships with them turns me on as does having sex with guys. Just....both sexual hence the bisexual term I suppose. I dated one guy for a week or two in my early 20's, not recently so yeah I'm not really that young anymore. Other than him I've just dated girls/women.

One girl I shared much of myself with and she made fun of me. She was the last person I ever dated. That was over 15 years ago. I have just found it easier to be alone. Now I'm nearing 40 and alone but usually content but I want more from life.

I have searched my heart and know that I do want a partner. Woman or man it really doesn't matter but I would want them to know all about me and have no more secrets. Secrets with people are just painful now. I'm getting old enough to not really care what people think anymore but all those old wounds still aren't healed. Friends have found out things and turned on me. People from my small town came to conclusions and were ruthless.

I'm in a slightly better location today but it's not great. My family is here and I don't want to leave them. I really just feel tired, alone, bored, worn out. I have not a soul to talk to about anything important so typing where the world can see it feels kinda like intense therapy I guess. Whatever. I'm done for now. Thanks for reading.