I don't know who I am anymore

Honestly, relax. I don't think you are gay. Thinking about guys all the time is not the same thing as thinking all the time about them because you are terrified you may be one of them.

Nothing you have said tells me you are gay. It seems that you are a man with low self esteem and you give too much meaning to what others think.

Once you realize that being gay is about the same problem as having black hair, those obsedant thoughts will go away on their own.

 

None of us can tell you that you are gay, bi, or straight. That is a call you have to make. I vote bi. As the straight guys I know just don't worry about being gay like that as they are comfy in their own skin knowing what they like. Most flirt with me for fun! sort of no big deal! Seeing that gay cheerleader must have stirred something inside of you that you are trying to suppress with all of this vomiting and such. Good luck on figuring it out! I suggest you seek out counseling. June

 

I'm with Nick on this one, I don't think you're gay. From the description perhaps curious but I wouldn't go any further than that. You're not turned on by gay porn, and from that I'm presuming you don't have same-sex fantasies while masturbating (?). Those thoughts about the cheerleader sound almost intrusive, so don't read too much into them. Everything else you said suggests you're attracted to women.

For the time being, just try to let go of this over-analytic mentality. Easier said than done of course, but you'll feel much better if you learn not to care about what you'll end up as.

In short, don't jump to any conclusions and don't expect any yet, least of all from other people. That way you'll be much more content. If you still feel an overriding urge to experiment at some point though (I'd suggest you don't for now, unless these feelings persist for some time longer), do it safely and do it honestly so you don't lead anyone on and hurt them.

 

Damn right there's nothing wrong with black hair

Well, OP, I'd say you're probably not very far up the gay side of the Kinsey scale. Thinking one hot guy is hot is nothing to be ashamed of, it's the beginning of being a grown-up and putting away the childish fear of open sexuality that society impposes on us. There will never be anything wrong with being attracted to another person, the only crime is that your environment made you feel so ashamed and conflicted because of it. You can't force yourself to enjoy porn, but you can start by accepting that intimacy with someone you're attracted to is never a bad thing in and of itself. Take a moment to appreciate that when two people feel something for each other, it doesn't matter who they are or what they're wearing between their legs. After that, just pursue whatever and whoever makes you happy. No shame. No Fear. Just be honest and pursue your heart. I suspect that probably means girls, and that's okay too.

 

i can somewhat compare to your situation and i remember many times when i would just tell myself "ok man, your gay" and try to just go with that for a little, then women creep back into consciousness and all of sudden become extremely attractive again. but that doesn't help for long because the questioning just starts back up again..

the fact of the matter is, no one here can tell you with 100% certainty what your sexuality is. so maybe try to accept that first. no matter what, this website will not give you 100% clarification. what it can however, is give you the tools to go about finding that clarity. when people asks, and members give their advice and best guess on where you are in the spectrum, it is just that, a guess.

if gay fantasies don't turn you on and gay porn really dosen't do anything for you. then its unlikely your gay. if your getting stronger reactions to thoughts of women, then its very likely that your either straight of very strongly leaning on to women on the bi scale. in times of sadness, depression and uncertainty (such as the period after your grandfather passed away) emotions are all over the place. lets try to look at your situation differently: is it possible that when you looked at this male cheerleader, you maybe admired his courage to doing something different? maybe there was a respect factor there? and in a time of sadness and anxiety, your mistaking feelings? i could very well be way off on this, but its worth thinking about.

 

straight porn did something for me when i stopped jacking off for 2 weeks, prior to this only gay porn had..

for me, thats the confusing fucking part -.-

 

Ok, let's think this through. A common denominator seems to be the confusion that arises (and nearly incapacitates you) when you start thinking you might be gay. But when you 'gave in' and identified yourself as gay, you suddenly relaxed, at least for a bit.

Another factor is that you keep thinking you might be gay. But you don't seem to have any gay feelings. At least you haven't described any such. Quite the opposite in fact.

So let's focus on these as a starting point. The general consensus from the group has been that you don't seem gay to us. But that doesn't seem to be helping, or only helping temporarily. We need to clarify things a bit, I think.

With that in mind, if you could please answer the following as honestly as you can. No one is judging you here or trying to confirm any kind of conclusion, just trying to get a better handle on your situation and to help you. Please keep that knowledge in mind as you read and answer the questions below. And please try to stay calm.

a) If, instead of thinking of yourself as gay or straight, you think of yourself as 'bisexual' how does that make you feel? The same confusion or stress as thinking you might be gay? Or more like what it felt like when you just kind of stopped fighting for a bit?

b) Do you have any actual evidence or reason to think you might be anything other than straight? We've established that porn doesn't do anything for you and from your description your 'trigger event' was just thinking another guy might be gay. But what happens if you just relax and try fantasizing without porn during masturbation? No judgement, no pressure, no 'I can't let myself think about that'. Just relax and go with the flow. Where do your fantasies go. Now, what happens if you just relax as before, but this time 'allow' yourself to fantasize about a guy? What about if you just allow yourself to check out guys? How does that make you feel. Remember, for purposes of this experiment you are allowed to do this.

c) What does being 'gay' mean to you? What do you think being gay means for a guy? Are you afraid that, if you were to turn out to be gay (or otherwise not straight) that you would have to give up part of yourself or things that you like to do? The thought that you might be gay seems to cause tremendous anxiety. Can you identify what about the idea of being gay is so disturbing for you? What do you see as the consequences if you turn out to be 'not straight'?

d) When you consider the concept of being gay do you only focus on the sex part, or do you consider the idea of romance or having feelings for another guy? If you imagine having feelings for a guy (not lust or only lust, but actual respect, affection, love and those feelings are returned), how does that make you feel?

e) Finally, try to imagine yourself living in a world in which sexual orientation was literally a total non-issue. Being any particular orientation is looked at as of no more importance than eye color or whether you are right or left handed. A fair number of your friends and teammates are dating people of the same sex, some of your relatives are LGBT, teachers, local leaders, etc. In this world no one (not your parents, not your friends, or your coach or anyone) will even raise an eyebrow if you fall in love with another dude. If you lived in this world, a world where you would in no way be judged for liking guys - would you feel any different about the idea of liking a guy?

Basically, I'm trying to get some insight into what's going on in your head on this from various angles. Please don't feel you have to rush through these or anything. But if you can work through them, and report back, I'm hoping we can get a better handle on what's going on with you.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Sorry for the delay in replying. Got sidetracked with holiday stuff. Getting ready for wrk now, but will reply fully this evening.

In the meantime, a couple more questions...

A) how is the word 'gay' used in your environment? Is it used as a negative, by both family and friends/peers? How would these people react if you were to come out as non-straight?

B) how much pressure are you under in terms of being expected 'by yourself or others' to be a certain way or succeed to some level? Are you expected to be a super jock and super student and super stud with the ladies, etc? If so, how do you feel about that?

Again, sorry for the delay. More later.

Todd

 

Hmm. Ok then. It's interesting that 'giving in' seems to calm you down temporarily, but that the thoughts keep coming back is an issue obviously. I was basically wondering if the bisexual category might 'feel more right' for you, given your love of women while apparently having something going on in your head where guys are concerned.

I kind of thought so, but those questions are ones that are generally asked when talking to folks who are questioning their orientation. A lot of guys suffer from strong feelings that there is something wrong with the feelings they're having (or think they might be having) toward other guys. Or society has conditioned them to not think that way. Trying to just relax and allow oneself to 'go with the flow' can sometimes reveal how one really feels instead of how society thinks you should.

In your case, you seem to go beyond finding the thought of sex with a guy either arousing or unpleasant. You keep talking about freaking out and being paralyzed and generally being almost incapacitated at the idea. Which seems a bit extreme TBH. Not in terms of judging you but seeming unusual that such a strong reaction is triggered. I've seen other guys write on here about worrying that they were gay, watching gay porn, and describing that it made them very upset or ill. You seem to go beyond that a bit, assuming I'm understanding you correctly and your description of your reaction is accurate.

Between your reaction and other things you've described in previous threads, I think the overall consensus from the group (which includes a lot of gay and bi guys) is that you're not gay. So the question is...why won't some part of you believe it? Would it help at all, do you think, to tell yourself that a whole bunch of gay guys don't think there's any evidence that you're gay the next time this come up?

Given the depth of your reactions and the lack of evidence (based on what you've described) for you being gay, and the way you describe this (which seem rather different from other descriptions I've read here for guys who are questioning), I'd actually sort of suggest that you talk to a counselor or therapist of some kind who can help you examine and work through this in person. As much as we all want to help you here, we're a bunch of faceless amateurs scattered around the planet. You're more than welcome to hang out and talk of course (you seem like a nice guy) and you could also perhaps talk to one of the staff using private messaging. But not sure I or anyone else here is gonna just figure this out. Not to say we can't keep trying

Hm. Maybe I can at least help you a bit here. Based on what you've said, even if you turned out to not be 100% straight, I think you are most likely bi rather than gay, and bi strongly leaning toward women, at least at this point in your life.

Also, even if you were 100% gay, that doesn't mean you can't have an attractive spouse and kids and the whole house/white picket fence thing. The attractive spouse would be a guy and your kids would either be adopted or produced via surrogacy - but otherwise there would be no real difference. Being 'non-straight' really doesn't mean giving up anything in this area.

Understood. I have friends who I love the same way. Some of them are male and some are straight. And I would never consider a sexual relationship with any of them.

That said, and since you did mention sex...One of the things that seems to be very common when people consider gay sex is that they only consider anal sex. I would suspect that the gay porn you've watched included a lot of that. Just to clear up the point - Not all gay guys are into anal (ranging from guys who like it ok but don't consider it their favorite thing to guys who will do it if asked, but otherwise don't care, to guys who find the very concept disgusting and would never do it at all. And and everything in between).

If your conception of being gay only (or primarily) considers anal as the main form of sexual activity and you're a guy for whom anal is just really not the thing - that might explain some of the reactions your having - obviously I don't know, but it's a thought.

Have you ever been hit on by a guy? If so, what form did that take? Why does the act (or even just the idea) of being hit on make you uncomfortable? Still trying to get a handle on your situation basically.

Regarding going to a bar or otherwise trying to arrange for a guy to hit on you or kiss you. Based on what you've said here, I'd really recommend against it. Sure, if this were a movie, you'd force yourself to go through with it, and either end up meeting some guy who you end up falling for (after some period of angst and soul searching) or getting a kiss that (against all your fears and expectations) ends up feeling awesome and leaving you really wanting to explore and experience more. Or (conversely), getting a kiss, realizing it does nothing for you, concluding that yep, you're 100% straight and going on about your life, troubled no more by those pesky doubts.

Unfortunately, this isn't a movie, and I'm afraid that if you try to do this, one of the following is more likely to happen:

a) you go in very nervous and uncomfortable and unhappy, freak out at the last second, and bolt out of the bar. This leaves nothing really resolved for you but now with the added bonus of a really unhappy/embarrassing memory.

b) you force yourself to go though with it up to the point of kissing a guy, freak out, and deck him. Which is both unfair to the poor guy who you got to kiss you and likely to lead to involvement by the bar security, local police who will call your parents, who will want to know why you were at a gay bar (or any bar -since you're not legal yet, are you?), etc. Again, probably not your idea of a fun time.

Note that this is not even considering the other issues, like whether or not the guy would be someone you'd want to kiss even if you were gay, whether or not any guy will want to kiss you (what would you tell them exactly), how you'd handle it if the guy kissing you decided to also touch you, what kind of bar it is, etc. etc. etc.

Even if you were totally sure you were gay and totally into it, I'd be leery about this method for trying out your first guy kiss. And I'm not one to have anything against gay bars on general principles.

Anyway, sorry I don't have any real answer yet I'm kind of hoping your answers to the other two questions I asked might shake something loose. A notion occurred before I posted them, and I'll be interested to see if your answers lean toward affirming it or negating it.

Hang in there,

Todd

 

I'm going to step in and hopefully help you out a bit. I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not trained in any field like that, but I definitely understand what you're going throuhg except in a different fashion.

First, you said it was after your grandfather died. That sort of tragedy can trigger a lot of anxiety in a person that lingers for periods of time. This anxiety can leave you very, very confused and it attaches itself to anything that pops up. In your case, it was the lingering thoughts that you were gay, which by what we've learned, I can assume you're not at all.

One time, I went through a very bad period of anxiety, and thought for a very long time that I might be trans. This thought lingered in my mind for a very long time and I couldn't escape it. I too tried experimenting to see what I liked, and every time I looked at myself in the mirror I realized that being a guy is what I wanted, but yet those thoughts continued. They continued for a long time and confused me so much, and even upset me so greatly that my life started coming to a halt as I no longer wanted to do things I normally did.

Fast forward to today, and I am well aware that I am not a woman in a man's body. That period of my life ended a while back, and I am happy now that I no longer get anxiety from that. That's not to say that I would dislike being trans, it's that I knew I was not and I kept asking myself "what if".

The biggest thing I can say that helped me get through is that I gave myself things to do. I started becoming more motivated in my sport, I hung out with friends constantly, I looked forward to the events ahead of me (it was around Christmas and I was excited for that!), and by February of the next year, I felt like myself again without those thoughts.

In your case, I think a therapist would be a great help in grasping your situation, BUT I think first and foremost, you should really consider focusing your life on doing things that make you happy, and that make you feel good about life. I don't take anxiety medicine, but even I know that anxiety can latch itself onto anything and make you very confused. I would definitely look into that as well.

All is okay, my friend! I hope somehow my situation gave you some light as to what to do in yours! I wish you luck, and I know you will be able to get out of this rut.

 

I agree. I can't tell you what you are, but you don't strike me as homosexual. Don't let what other people say determine what you are.

 

DUDE CALM THE HELL DOWN!!! Stop freaking out. It really seems that your worry and anxiety is getting out of control. You might need to see a specialist because this seems like its taken a hold of your life. And like everyone else is saying, you REALLY don't sound gay or even Bi. Like...AT ALL!!