Hi all This is my first post and I am quite new although I have been reading some posts here and helpful information. I am a 30 year old woman and am quite unsure right now... I never questioned my sexuality up until a few months ago (and even then I didn't really think too much about it...). Basically here is my story: I have had been with several men had several boyfriends etc throughout college and I always thought I was attracted to them. It always started out the same way.. I would meet a guy, get all giddy and what not wondering if he would text me... we would go out, laugh, have a great time and then inevitably the relationship would turn physical and this is where it "bugged".... I always THINK I want to kiss them and what not but when we actually get down to it, I almost feel an "ick" factor and get bored and don't really enjoy it and just wait until it is over. I never understood because I had such wonderful boyfriends who were gentle and patient and understanding, but as soon as the relationship would turn physical, I would break up with them shortly after. I like the cuddling and holding hands part, I feel safe and comfortable but as soon as other stuff starts I just don't enjoy it and don't feel anything and just want it to be over. I figured I had not met the right guy yet but this scenario repeated itself every time. I also never really understood when I would be with friends and they would see what would be considered a "hot" guy and say oh yes he is hot, look at those arms.. I just want to rip his shirt off type thing. I never had that desire, I never was interested in staring at posters of men or flipping through magazines or never thought "wow he is hot" of someone in the street... I mean, I can see when a man is attractive and I will appreciate that, but never would I think WOW I WANT HIM (sorry, don't mean to be crude but just to show you what I'm trying to get at). Now it has been 7 years since I have had any kind of a physical relationship past kissing (because now I just put on the brakes) and when friends get together and we sort of talk and what not, they are like "but don't you miss the physical side?" ... and this is them thinking it's only been a year or so.. if only they knew! And I truly do not.... I never felt anything on the physical side. I keep dating guys and trying to be attracted to them and I am on an emotional level but as soon as it turns physical it all goes away. It was only recently that I realised that I often look at women, but I always though it was because I wanted to be LIKE them.. ie the way they dress etc etc... thinking back I remember this girl on our basketball team at uni and I thought she was amazing but again, I thought I was just interested in how she played basketball etc.. but I thought she was really pretty too... but surely women can think other women are pretty? I can look at a woman and think she is beautiful and i can talk to some whom I really admire and think of but I always thought it was just because I wanted to be more like them.... now there is a woman on our softball team whom I think is so amazing but again... I keep thinking it's because she is so open and friendly and non judgemental and a really good softball player.... My family is putting pressure on me to meet a man and get married etc etc and they are worried that I just do not seem interested (ie the fact I am not married is not the issue but rather that I don't seem interested in going on dates and always have excuses and have never really had any kind of a serious relationship) and I just keep shying away and I don't know why... I really really WANT to find that sexual attraction for a man.. is it possible that I just have not met the right one? Is it normal to NEVER have felt any physical or sexual attraction to a man? I always THINK I have, but then as soon as we kiss or whatever, it is gone and I just want him gone too and not because I don't like him because I really do and they have been great guys but I just want to hold hands and cuddle (dressed) on the couch. I just don't know anymore and I am feeling just more and more confused and I don't know what to do or think... I want to love someone, I want to feel something and I want to find a partner... I want to be loved... but I just am not sure how. There is no one I can run any of this past...I have always felt very strongly about LGBT rights and get very angry when people contradict them but I always thought this was because my best friend (and actually a guy I thought I may fall for but since it never got physical for obvious reasons) is gay and I have a few other friends who are too but none that live in the same country and I don't want to express anything to them until I can sort it out myself. I feel very alone with all this and I just want to understand and I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I get very scared when I think about it all and what it could mean.. I don't know why. Sorry this was so long, thank you all for taking the time and any advice or ideas you could offer would be so appreciated!!
It sounds like you either don't like sex or just have a very low sex drive. The hot guy thing is common , a lot of people think like that. You're either NOT perverted or that particular look just doesn't do it for you. Also most people have a crush on a certain person regardless of their looks / gender because of the positive attention they give you. But it'll slowly die off once you get your heard wrapped around it most likely at least. It could possibly be you haven't found the right guy , you sound like the person who doesn't like the same thing for long and loves change. Personally I think you need someone who is fun , loud (Not too loud) , positive and just a little weird to bring you out of your shell + to keep you interested for a long time. People say opposites attract , I kind of disagree to a certain degree. But if they're the same , they'll either hit it off amazingly or hate eachother. But since you're shy it would be beneficial to have someone who is outgoing. If you get this emotional and physical connection with a person regardless of gender , you should go for it. Only if the other person is interested back. My guess though it you're turning more and more asexual. Asexual is pretty much like - I see everyone in the world and I don't feel that I want to have sex with you. You can have a relationship without sex.
It sounds like you're either more into women, or you're asexual lie Virus said. I think to really work it out, you need to allow yourself to entertain the possibility maybe with women it's not just you want to be them/admire them. To me, it seems like you're scared of that possibility, which is understandable.. it's a big game changer. I think the best thing to do is to take your time and explore your feelings.
Thank you Virus and Laut for taking the time to read and answer and for your comments... Very much appreciated and it is so nice to not be judged for once because I live in in a place where I'm constantly being judged and criticized... 'What you don't have a bf? You're not married? You don't want to rip his clothes off? You are 30!, go out with men, you need to have a physical relationship otherwise they won't stick around.. No guy will accept just holding hands. You aren't 12!' I even had a group of friends get together and invited me over and confronted me saying they were worried etc... I'm worried too obviously. Every time I so want to enjoy it and I don't. I can't even entertain the idea of potentially being anything other than straight because I am so so scared and I don't know why... I am the most open and non judgmental and accepting person and yet I don't know why I get so anxious and worried when I think of all this for me. and I'm in admiration of my friends who are confident and out and accepting of themselves and their families are too and living their lives and being so happy. I just want to figure it out and then I can deal with it but how do you figure it out... How does one really ever know? What if I am actually completely incapable of loving someone on a romantic/sexual level? I'll be alone forever? I have no siblings, very little family... Lots of friends but they are all starting their own families... It's going to be a very lonely life if I cannot love or be loved....
Sounds like you have a lot of worries. I think it's important to separate being able to love from being interested in sex. Lacking the latter doesn't make you incapable of loving. It is scary working out your sexuality. Took me forever at 16 to decide 'yes I'm not straight' and at that age I imagine there's a lot less pressure to have it all sorted out already. Or less of a sense of completely contradicting the way you've lived for so long now. In the end, it's about what makes you happy, whether that's a nonsexual relationship with a man, or a sexual one with a woman (or even nonsexual with a woman). Give yourself time and space to think and explore.
Thanks Laut It is indeed scary especially when you are not sure how to figure it out... and even more so when you are in a place (geographically) where you cannot just try it out or discuss with others... it can be quite lonely at times. thanks for the assistance and advice, really appreciate it.
Hmm, I would say you sound like you're leaning towards asexual. But you could be __romantic (homoromantic, biromantic, heteroromantic) in which you would like to have a romantic relationship with someone, yet that does not reach the sexual. I think this too sometimes about myself. Try for that is what I suggest. If you want more, go for more. See if you have the same reaction to sex with women. Otherwise, a romantic but asexual relationship might be the better fit for you.
