I have been a jerk. I have been in relationships with women before but never with guys. So, I tried looking for a gay relationship, but hurt every guy I tried it with. I would talk to them for a week or two, and end up sleeping with them. The next morning I would end up disappearing on them, and not return any of their phone calls. I would for some reason lose all interest in men, and find women a lot more appealing. The relationships I have had with women would end with me losing all sexual attraction, and the cycle starts all over again with me looking for a man. My question is should I just stop dating guys all together? I know what I have done in the past is extremely rude and mean.
Hi andrew812, welcome to EC! Well, even jerks have a good side....you came here after all because this is bothering you...this behaviour is not unheard of. The fear of committing to someone or opening yourself up to the possibility of something deeper runs deep, and each successive hookup leaves you hungry for more and more, right? Like each one seems to have less bang for the buck, so to speak...classic addiction perhaps? I would suggest you take a break from any relationship and consider some deep counseling to get at the issues that underlie what you are doing. I would consider this serious. If you continue as you are, anyone, man or woman, who gets involved with you will get hurt, it's almost certain, and it's a crappy thing to do to people and it's a crappy way to live. Are you able to get help?
I probably should take a break form dating, because I need to get healthy mentally first. I was seeing a therapist for my sexuality and for a mental illness I have "Schizoaffective Disorder". Unfortunately I no longer go to therapy anymore though.
May I suggest you start again? As soon as possible? Are there financial constraints that would make this difficult for you?
I am lucky to have insurance, so financially I am good. The reason I am not going was because I decided to no longer take medication and my therapist kicked me out for it. I am looking for a new therapist now though.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that, but glad you're looking for a therapist. I don't think that the issue is that you are a bad person, or that it has anything to do with you dating men. It sounds like you understand you hurt people and you don't want it to happen again. Also, sounds like it may be related to your legitimate medical issue. I would suggest strongly that when you find a new therapist you mention this to them. Maybe they could help you deal with this so you feel more comfortable dating men again in the future without fear of hurting them.
I have talked about my confusion about my sexuality with my former therapist for about 2 years when I was going. She would just say I should keep an opened mind, and date men and women. Then she would switch topics, and ask me more about my mental health. I do have a best friend that I talk to about this kind of stuff, the problem is that she is my ex-girlfriend. She always says that she knows that I was gay, and that I should not date anymore women. I know she is not trying to convince me that I am gay, because she has moved on. I guess I am glad I found "Empty Closets", because I think you people on here are really caring and have great advise.
I'm glad, find yourself a therapist that is more willing to explore your sexuality...but the meds are important, you need to see what can be done for you there...
I don't want to go back on the medication, but may have to soon. Not everything is bad though, I have not had a drink or got high in 2 months. Maybe the game plan should be go back to therapy, get mentally stable, wait to have sex, and give a gay relationship a fair chance. I really would rather have a wife and kids one day, but that may not be in the cards. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever really been in a true relationship. Maybe the ones that I have had were just really good friendships with the women I have dated?
I'm curious about this part that I quoted. By "some reason", could "Guilt" be one of them? I don't mean guilt over the idea of not contacting them anymore, but guilt over the idea of sleeping with men. I'm by no mean a psychologist or therapist, so I'm only speaking out of personal experience here, take it for what it's worth. With that out of the way, I remember always feeling guilty after I had masturbated to the idea of sleeping with another man (or after watching gay porn) before I came to terms with my sexuality. I'd rationalize it by saying that I couldn't be gay, and it was only a phase because I was attracted to women (I had a huge crush on a girl back then). I see some similarities with the part of your post that I quoted, it's sort of a mix between avoidance and repression. Mind you, I'm not saying that you are necessarily gay here, I'm only using myself as an example. You could very well be Bisexual, but the labels are not so much important here. My point is that you most likely have some internalized homophobia lying around, a little voice telling you that you shouldn't be sleeping with guys, so to speak. That would be my guess.
You have brought up a lot of good points. I do find it disgusting after I have had a sexual encounter with a man. My mind will do a 180 from what I was thinking before sex. Usually before I start even talking to a guy, I start thinking I am really gay. I still have the stereotypes in my head what a gay man is, I know they are not true and I honestly try to not think that way. I am pretty much a man's man, and maybe the thought of me being with a man is a threat to my masculinity. Only a few people know I have interest in men, but it is probably a good thing for now. I was raised in a extremely homophobic family.
Then perhaps learning to be more comfortable with your sexuality would be a good starting point. Not so much being comfortable with a label, but more so with the idea of sleeping with other men. I don't have much tips on this one, so I suppose you could always look on the internet for some tips, or you could seek an LGBT center and see if they have any support groups. As far as to how I personally accepted my sexuality, I think it was because I had a crush on a guy. I sort of allowed myself to imagine the story going a little further than what I had previously allowed myself to imagine, and gradually I've come to enjoy those thoughts more and more. Whereas I'd usually think about sex as merely to "get the job done", I started thinking about trying to develop a close relationship/forming a couple. I began being able to imagine more than just sex with a guy, I could imagine scenarios that I had typically associated with heterosexual couples, just hugging each others, eating together, watching a movie on the couch while leaning on each other. It's corny as hell, but I started to yearn for this kind of interaction and that opened up the door for me to accept my sexuality as well as the label.
I know that sexuality can be fluid and a label does not make you who you are. I guess the problem is that I don't want to get in a straight relationship, and get married then realize that I am gay. At times in the past when I was single sometimes I thought I was gay, and I am not going to lie it felt new and exciting. The sex is not what I found necessarily disgusting, it was the idea of romantic attraction with a guy. But the odd thing is at the end of my last straight relationship I was craving sexual and romantic attraction form guys. As of right now I think it is very possible that I am gay and not bisexual, but I guess I wont know if I never give a gay relationship a fair shot.
