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How did you know you were sure?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Telemann, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. Telemann

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    Hi there,
    Been reading lots of posts about orientation but keen to hear people's opinions on when they felt more sure about who they were attracted to. I'm in a straight relationship but trying to work out just how gay I might be. Prefer guys for the sex side of things, but girls for everything else (including sex).

    When do you know that you are more gay / straight leaning? Does this stabilise after a while? Especially for those where their orientation seems to have shifted from bi to gay or straight to bi, what was it that helped you realise you needed to be with guys / girls, rather than just fantasizing about it? Does a need for same sex just stay that way - ie sex only, or does it always eventually progress to emotional / romantic attraction?

    Any help would be great.
     
  2. LILuke

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    I don't know, I'm still working that out. xD
     
  3. Anthemic

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    It really depends. I knew I liked women when a girl kissed me and I fell for her. I think deep down, I knew I liked girls a few years before I got kissed, but I wasn't completely sure.

    It seems to me that you're saying you are more sexually attracted to men, but still attracted to women, while still being able to feel romantic feelings for women. If that's the case, then I advise you to start seeing men if you feel that you are getting nothing out of the relationship you are in right now. Maybe if you meet the right guy, romantic feelings will surface.
     
  4. pinklov3ly

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    When do you know that you are more gay / straight leaning? I knew that I was gay when I was 19, but I could not accept it until I turned 25ish.

    Does this stabilise after a while?

    Yes, it is does stabilize after while, especially once you are comfortable enough to be able to walk in your own shoes and without hiding who you truly are.

    Especially for those where their orientation seems to have shifted from bi to gay or straight to bi, what was it that helped you realise you needed to be with girls?

    For me, I felt a stronger connection towards women all my life. I knew that I needed to be emotionally closer to a woman than a man. And it has been the most amazing fulfilling feeling ever!

    Does a need for same sex just stay that way - ie sex only, or does it always eventually progress to emotional / romantic attraction?

    It's not just about sex, whether it is with a man or woman. I prefer to be with a woman sexually/emotionally forever and always, which had led me to believe that I'm gay.
     
    #4 pinklov3ly, Oct 4, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2013
  5. swingthatway

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    I find that my sexual orientation is always changing - sometimes I'm full lesbian, and other times I consider myself completely bisexual. I've often felt romantic attraction towards girls, but have recently been feeling strong sexual attraction towards guys. I've found that instead of trying to determine which label fits me best, I am just going to be open-minded and let myself fall in love with a person rather than a gender.
    Does that make sense?
     
  6. HeyJoe

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    I was only 7 yrs old when I'm beginning to develop a foot fetishism towards men and I don't really know anything about LGBT people during that age. I was sexually abused by my older cousins when I was 9 years old and yea I sucked a "D" at that very young age and yeah it became my addiction and I loved it although its still not a good way especially for cousins to take advantage of my young mind. Got devirginized at the age of 11 by 2 childhood friends who recently turned gay when reaching 12 years old. 13-14 years old was my "Sexuality questioning phase." When I was in 6th grade I had 1 girlfriend I really adore her because she's so beautiful but I really don't have sexual fantasies about her. 7th grade I had my 2nd gf she really likes me a lot but honestly speaking I didn't really liked her that much but I experimented with my feelings with her and we had a not so serious relationship for 1 year and 3 months? 8th grade,I had my 3rd gf she's really adorable and yeah I loved her for being sweet and YET no sexual attraction/feelings again just a bit of romantic feelings. I broked up with her after 1 month because I really can't take it anymore hiding my thoughts and I came out to her as Bisexual.9th grade there was this open forum session in my class wherein my adviser asked me about my sexuality I answered back immediately with "I'm bi." My whole class heard it and I'm not ashamed. I was very happy instead.No negative feedbacks at all. Just a few months ago I joined our class' volleyball team then my straight girl friends asked me "How sure are you that you're bi?" my reply:"Its because I'm still a little bit attached to women." Then our class valedictorian came up then said. I don't really think you're bi,cause if you're bi you would have extreme sexual fantasies about girls instead of men. "You're too good to be bi." that's what she said... Although I kinda agree with her statement I still label myself in here as bi. But I am really gay when it comes to relationship seeking. .__.

    I hoped my long story helped.
    Lol sorry for long post. :X
     
  7. Randy

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    Well...the thing that I should have realized when I began middle school was the fact that I would ask, literally, every single girl out. Looking back on it, that was probably one of my hugest signs (to me). Another sign was whenever girls would walk by, my friends would comment on how she was hot and they wanted her. I could barely see that the girl in question was hot and I could never understand being with a women, let alone, envisioning myself with one. Also I could notice how cute or hot a guy was more often than I did find women attractive. That was 13-14.
    I accepted it head-on this summer. Last Fall, I had a one-night stand with a guy and this summer I was talking to my friend. I told him what happened and it basically was me telling him what happened and I realized what was going on.

    Yes, it is does stabilize after while, especially once you are comfortable enough to be able to walk in your own shoes and without hiding who you truly are.

    All throughout life, a person is expected to be straight and when something comes along to contradict the idea then all universe is out of whack. That is when I came out to (ONLY) myself that I was bisexual. As I grew older, something happened within me and was like, "y'know, I never felt a solid connection with women on a romantic or sexual level."
    I always felt a stronger connection with guys, I would always want to be around them and spend time alone with them. With women, it was more of a friendly relationship with them. While I wanted to be around them, it was nothing more than a friendship.

    It's not just about sex. I can envision myself being in a loving relationship with a man. So when I realized that, it led me to the thought of "Yep...I'm gay!!" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  8. lovely lesbian

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    I depends I've thought I was straight and that was that but probably in my early 20s I would say I liked two girls thought it was just a phase but then my feelings stated getting stronger and it's only now I've started to accept myself
     
    #8 lovely lesbian, Oct 5, 2013
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  9. ChloeAllison

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    Thank you for making this thread. It is actually making me think about stuff I have been not really sorting out. In regards to your question about shifting from straight to bi and what made me realize I wanted to be with girls, For me it wasn't that simple. I think I was always just what I am and chose to view myself as straight because that the vision of life I had. Going off to college, living independently and being given space to develop you own true view of the world is what made me realize that I was actually bi.

    If you are looking for more concrete advice perhaps spend sometime dwelling on different paths in life and really listening to how you feel about them (and remember to give yourself lots of time to think about it). Also perhaps you can approach it from a individual perspective where you simply decide per person and per relationship what you feel. Eventually you might see a trend.
     
  10. UIOP

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    I used to think I was straight because I knew I was definitely attracted to women. I just knew that somehow. Now, though, I know I am bisexual because I am attracted to a friend who is a guy. Not just in a sexual way... in a way in which I could envision having a relationship with him.
     
  11. splites

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    After having a couple of long relationships with men (that I've always ended), it has become apparent that there are some things they simply cant full fill. It's just a fact that has become clear though experience. Looking back, I've always had more of an attraction to women than men. I recently just stopped trying to fit into this idea of heterosexual relationships and sex, I don't fit, It's not for me. The most difficult part for me has been separating my ideas of love and relationships apart from social norms, and truly asking myself what it is that I want. Once there, my identity as a lesbian, rather than bi, has become stronger.

    There was a time in my life I identified as straight, it was very problematic for me and made me repressed and unhappy. I can form an emotional bond or have sex with both sexes. But it seems I'm not straight enough for the long haul.
     
    #11 splites, Oct 5, 2013
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  12. CheesyGoose

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    I'm a virgin in every possible way. However, I am confident that I'm gay, since when the topic of "girls" came up, I felt kinda left out. I actually gave the illusion that personality was much more important to me than looks, since I rarely commented on the topic of: "Your dream girl" or "What girls do you like". And nothing really happened when I saw an attractive girl walk by or some girl flash her tits on TV or something.

    But I noticed that I did indeed feel differently when I saw a cute guy and such. Around that time, 4 years ago, was the time when I realized that I wasn't like the other guys. I didn't accept myself at first, of course. Took me 3 years to come to terms with it. And then it was clear: I like guys. I love guys. I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy.
    With a woman, the relationship would be purely emotional. True, I develop feelings towards girls, but not those kinds of feelings I develop for guys.

    So yeah, now I'm confident and know that I'm gay and it seems that the 3 people I've come out to so far, are okay with it.

    Just as an extra: Know that I know how scary this might be. Hell, probably every person on EC knows how scary it is to be either gay, lesbian, bi, trans, etc. and not feel right. Take your time to figure things out if you feel that you might be bisexual or even gay.
     
  13. poison53sumac

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    I have no idea how you know if you're sure. If you find out, let me know.
    Personally, I remember coming across the word bisexual in a magazine in fourth grade and I thought instantly, oh, that's me. Even though I'd never thought about it before; heck, I'd hardly thought about gay people before at all. And then from fourth until sixth or maybe seventh grade, I totally forgot about it. Then eighth grade I started really questioning, back-and-forth, yes-no-maybe, who knows. I would decide: I'm straight, I don't really like girls that way. Then I'd think, but I don't really like guys that way, do I? Then I'd think I was asexual. Biromantic. Bisexual. Whatever. I even considered that I liked the "idea" of being lesbian and therefore applied it to myself. I have no idea where all this came from.
    Right now, I'm tentatively identifying as bisexual, at least biromantic. I have no idea how you get to be actually sure of your orientation. I think it's fair to say you may keep on seesawing from time to time for a while. For me, until I have actual experience to help me solidify anything, I'll be languishing with everyone else in the land of uncertainty.
     
  14. Starry Eyes

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    Honestly I am still unsure sometimes about my sexuality. I have always liked women. That I know for sure. The confusing thing is when I get to my attraction and desire for men. For a long time I would flirt with guys online and thought about meeting up with one but I never did. I thought it might just be a thing, and that it was easier, and more accessible, to talk sexually to a guy online than a girl. Then I finally got the guts and did some sexual experimentation with guys. I found that it did confirm some of my sexual feelings towards men.

    So do I know I"m sure? No. lol I'm incredibly unsure, but I think actually acting on your feelings is a good way to either validate or invalidate them.
     
  15. Telemann

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    Thanks everybody for your thoughts on this one. That's helped quite a bit.

    Anthemic, sounds like you knew pretty early who you were attracted to. For me, the relationship I'm in is a very special one, and I get an awful lot out of it. It's just that, sexually, men do it for me on a really basic pleasure level, more so than women, but not much apart from that. Of course this may change over time, but I want to stay in a loving relationship, I wont be happy living on good sex only (although it would be fun for a while), so I have to stick with a decision based on the best understanding of myself.

    Thanks too Swingthatway, yes it definitely does make sense. I suppose it's about coming to an understanding that change is always going to happen, and that includes who we are attracted to. Actually, reading everyone's response, it's made me realise that my orientation has not really changed. For me, it's not so much about things changing all that much. My feelings, desires, attractions etc for women and men stays pretty constant. I don't find myself falling for guys rather than girls, or don't ever find the idea of sex with a guy not a turn on - this stuff never seems to change. But it's just difficult sometimes to work out what to do with it. I suppose most people would agree that we don't choose who we are attracted to or what turns us on, but we definitely do choose what we do in response to it. Now, it may change over time, but hasn't so far.


    From reading your comment Hotgirl28, I think that's where my doubts come in. I kind of think, 'how can I just be turned on by having sex with guys but not have any of the other attractions?'. I suppose I just wonder if I will head that way, like happened for you. In one way it would be fine and make total sense, but in another, it would mean my current relationship would end, which would be very sad for both of us. When I have to make big decisions about commitment, these things play on my mind.

    Definitely agree with you ChloeAllison that trying to find a trend in relationships is good advice, and from this perspective I'm definitely bisexual, and it feels good starting to accept that. It would help meeting other people who are like me who understand what it is like. Definitely helps to talk about this stuff.

    Splites, it's interesting what you say about not being able to do a straight relationship for the long haul. I can really relate to that too. I wonder if I can do the long haul, and would I be happier living out my bisexually through relationships but I'm not sure if that would make me happy. Definitely agree about the social norms and what influences us, and that really embracing an orientation can make a big difference.

    'The land of uncertainty' - I can definitely relate to that poison53sumac. I think you are totally right that it starts to become clearer based on your experience. I just wished I'd explored a hell of a lot more when I was a teenager, but I was pretty scared to. I lived in the country, was a shy kid and didn't know anyone like me. I would definitely advise people to explore, talk and open themselves to all possibilities.

    Thanks again everyone. Really liked reading your posts.

    ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2013 at 09:37 PM ----------

    Thanks Starry Eyes. Definitely agree with that. I suppose it just becomes hard to do that when you have fallen for someone and are in a monogamous relationship. I think so many of us are naturally bisexual and would all benefit from having sex and friendships with both guys and girls, but this is not so easy to do, although I have met some people who manage it.
     
  16. Starry Eyes

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    Yeah. In terms of trying to figure out your sexuality while in a relationship, that is indeed tricky. I wouldn't suggest you cheat, but if your mental health is getting torn up over the issue and seeking professional help is not working it might be your only option.