Am I bisexual... or lesbian?

Hi! My name is Lucia and I am 19 years old. During the past years I had a lots of doubts about my sexual orientation and I want to share my experiences with you because I would love to heard what do you think about it because I still feel kind of lost.

I will start from the beginning. My story is long but I hope you don't mind. I born in Madrid (Spain) in a family of strong Catholic beliefs. Because of this, Homosexuality or Bisexuality is not something the in my environment is easily accepted.

During all my teenager years I didn't feel sexual attraction either to boys or girls. When my friends talked about guys I felt completely lost. I had a boyfriend though. We started to hang out when we were 8 years old and we were together until we were 15 although we never kissed or have other physical contact. We were just best friends and loved to play football or video games together. After, I kissed guys too but just to try it and I have to say that I didn't feel anything special.

Then I moved to high school and I fall in love with my best friend (a girl). I had a lot of sexual dreams with her and once I almost kissed her. My feelings for her were strong. I though that I was lesbian and the idea scared me a lot. When I told to my parents they tried to convince me that was just a phase and I wanted to believe them.

When I finished high school I took a gap year. While I was in Iceland I met a guy. In our first conversation he asked me one thing I would like to try and I said that I would love to have sex with a woman. He wanted to know why I wanted that if I never had sex with guys before but I didn't know what to answer him, I didn't feel the necessity of have sex with a man. But, during my months living there I was bored and I wanted to experimented what a relationship was like, so this guy ask me to go out and I accepted ready to ''play'' with him as I did with other guys before. However, at the end I fell in love with him. I like a lot his personality and I got emotionally attached to him. He wanted sex with me and after a lot of hesitation I accepted. I like it, but I like specially when he performed oral sex to me. Sometimes, I would love to do just that and I didn't like so much when we practise only vaginal sex. Our relationship lasted for two months. After him I have had other two relationships with a man both of them shorter than a month and with any of them I felt sexual attracted and we didn't have sex of any kind (I tried to do so with the first of them but I felt disgusted and we stopped).

On the other hand, my sexual attraction towards girls never stopped. I was hoping so, but it didn't. I started to recognize that I had crushes on girls since I was little: some of my classmates, a older girl in my choir, other of my best friends... I remembered that my Barbies never had a Ken and that a lot of times I played that they were lesbians and slept together... I realized that before to meet my boyfriend in Iceland I never had sexual dreams with guys and that while masturbating (I have done it since I was very little) I think just in my body.

Now I am in college. I have already come out as bisexual to most of the people that are important to me. My parents now are cooler about it, sometimes my mum still tell to me that my desire towards woman is just evil temptations but in general she respects me and tells me that she will love you no matter what.

The thing is that I don't feel bisexual... Yeah, it is true that I have felt physically and romantically attached to a man however I don't feel that I will be with a guy again. Since my boyfriend in Iceland I don't feel attraction towards boys at all. Currently I am in love of other of my girl friends again and although I don't know if a relationship between us will work or not (I think she is into girls too but she denies it). I am sure that what I feel for her is something that I haven't experienced with anybody else. My relationship with my boyfriend in Iceland was just sex, competing and fighting verbally. On the other hand, to my friend I feel physically attracted but we have also a strong friendship together. We have a lot of hobbies in common, we can spend hours and hours talking of everything and nothing, we go to the cinema, we have dinner together almost everyday... At first we hang out always with more friends but now most of the time we forget to call them. The other night we went to a festival just the two of us and for first time I got her hand and I literally I felt butterflies on my stomach.

So here I am now, questioning myself if my boyfriend in Iceland was just a phase and as I first thought I am a lesbian or if in reality I am kind of bisexual and now I am a phase in which I like just girls. I know that can seems stupid, that labels are not such important but honestly, I would kind of like to know that I belong to one group, until now I have felt that everyone understands his/her sexuality better that me and it is really hard for me not be able to define who I am.

Thank you so much for listening
I hope you can help me and bring some light to this issue
Best wishes!!

Lucia

 

Sorry, for made my story so long, thank you for reading it anyway .
With him I enjoyed it. But after I have tried to have sex with other two guys and I couldn't. I felt that it was not right but maybe I was biased by my previous experience. Currently I don't feel attracted to guys at all.

---------- Post added 7th Oct 2013 at 05:36 AM ----------

It is true that I don't see myself with a guy again. I have thought a lot about it and sometimes I feel that I will rather prefer to stay the rest of my life alone that be with a guy. In it is curious but when I say aloud that I am bisexual a voice inside of me says that I am not. But the only friend lesbian that I have always knew that she was lesbian and I know she would never have sex with a man, so I was really confused about it.

 

This helps a lot really :icon_wink.

I never felt for my boyfriend what I feel for my friend or other girls. After reading all your messages today in class I have had a moment of inspiration and I have become to the conclusion that probably I acted with that guy as some straight girls bi-curious that in some point of their lives experiment with girls and afterwards have boyfriend again.

In my case it is just the opposite. I have experimented with guys but inside myself I always knew that being with a man would be something temporal. The true is that I have being made for loving women. I am gay.

Thank you so much to those of you that have answer my message, all of you have helped me a lot to clear my mind once and for all.

Now I am a bit scared though because my family and my friends think that I am bisexual. I think I will wait a bit to tell them, first I have to assume myself who I am.

Once again thank you warmly,
Best wishes,

Lucia