Hello all, been awhile since I posted anything. I went through some hard core depression recently, got out of a hetero relationship and moved across the world..crazy. I am a 24 yo old guy, and I just became single about 6 months ago. I was in a 2 year hetero relationship, my first serious one. Towards the end, I was freaking out about my sexuality and where the relationship was going. I loved this girl I was with, wished more than anything it would work out, but I knew my sexuality was clashing with it. I have always had a thing for much, much older men. I mean my preferred age for a man is around 60 years old, why I have no clue. It totally urks me sometimes. So, I always figured I wasn't really gay because all I want to do is meet a nice older gent, shake hands, have some hot sex and part ways. I know...pretty gay lol. Well I have had some experiences, but they were never like my fantasies, I was always left just feeling really funky..just not happy about it. Towards the end of my relationship I thought I must be a sex addict. Ya know, craving sex that makes me feel like shit, trying not to but giving in, desperately wanting to stop, that kinda stuff. Well, my girl and I broke up and a month later I got an offer to move overseas for 6 months. I jumped and ran...I am here now, and almost 6 months in. Well, I have been back on Silverdaddies..a website for older gay guys and admirers. I have been talking to a man I have chatted with for a few years who just relocated to my area in Florida..as well as another guy. I know its not to cool to chat with two people at once, but I have a connection with both. The sexual chemistry is there..I'm overseas and horny as hell all the time. However, I still don't feel like dating men like boyfriend and boyfriend is my thing. My idea man is 60 and married. We shake hands, have sex and he goes home. I just have never felt "feelings" for a man like love. Confusing thing is..I think I really loved my ex girlfriend but I was always fantasizing about old men sexually. I just can't picture "being" with a man, other than friends who have sex. I have come along way recently, accepting I sexually prefer older gents. I get it, I painfully learned this lesson being in a LTR with a girl for 2 years that I loved. I hate I hurt her..but thank God I'm not married! I know I dig older men sexually..that makes me gay. I like looking at good looking women, admire them and can see myself being intimate romantically and emotionally but I know sexually I'd get bored. Lately I've been shying away from girls, because I fear getting caught up with one. I am really looking forward to getting home and unfortunately...sleeping with both these men. I have been abstinent from all sexual activity for more than 6 months. I don't want to be a skank but I dig both these guys as friends, and sexually too. Of course they both want me to be there "boy" and sexually I can see it, but I just don't like the whole relationship thing. I also don't like feeling emasculated, It makes me cringe. I am down for lots of very gay stuff, but kissing, and "I love you's", etc don't do it for me. I guess I am still developing. Can anyone relate to lacking romantic feelings?? Maybe it takes time for the other stuff to catch up to the sexual stuff..maybe I'm a repressed bisexual or something! Kidding..either way I am glad to be single. At least I am not hurting my ex with all this soul searching anymore, feeling depressed everyday and bringing her down. I also don't want to hurt these guys.. just because I don't feel much romantic stuff, I think they do. One was talking about love... Any advise my experienced friends?
I've certainly fooled around with guys with no romantic feelings involved. That could be either a 'friends with benefits' of 'f**kbuddy' situation. Or just a hookup. If you're not looking for a relationship, that's pretty much your business if you're happy with that. Some people may raise issues with the age difference thing, but I don't see most of those applying in a purely hookup situation. That all said... In the course of your post you mention not feeling too happy after the encounters you've had so far and you don't really indicate that this was coming from you being in a relationship with your girlfriend at the time. Or did I just not pick up on that? The point being that if you're not feeling good in the aftermath of your encounters, then that implies that you've got some kind of issue going on with them, whether something about being into guys in general or being in the sort of situations you're putting yourself in. Whether that 'sort of situation' involves the age difference, the lack of romantic (or even friendly?) feelings or something else, I'm honestly not sure. But I'd suggest it's something you should give some thought to. Beyond that there is the issue of wanting a guy who is married. Why is that exactly? Here I'll freely admit that I see you on much shakier ground, ethically speaking. You are basically seeking someone who is willing to betray a relationship, and to be the instrument of that betrayal. Not a very positive thing, and something it would seem you could particularly relate to given your past with your girlfriend and not being happy about cheating on her with guys. So why would you want to be the person that someone else would cheat with. We could also get into the issue of what sort of baggage that person might bring with them since they are either closeted or cheating on their boyfriend/husband. Or how shady they might be. I would suggest that there are probably lots of single guys in the age range you find attractive that would be happy to be with you. And that you might also want to give some thought and introspection as to why you are interested in married guys in particular. Not trying to be unsupportive or judgemental, just direct. Hope this helps, Todd
Hey Todd, thanks for the message man. I suppose I don't want to actually hurt anyone, and the reason the married thing seemed good "hook up" wise is I figured they were more discrete and hopefully stable. Also, hoping they were more masculine. I think the reason I felt funky after encounters stemmed from being grossed out for giving into temptation, and also the shady business, lask of friendship, etc. I think I do need to focus on having friendship at least with a single man, which is kewl. I should have put more thought into that post.. I appreciate the reply.
Maybe you should try dating these guys before sleeping with them. It seems like that'd help you better figure out romantic vs. platonic vs. sexual feelings. Maybe this isn't everyone's experience, but I find that trust makes the whole experience that much better. Before I first came out, it was during a long period of lacking romantic feelings for anyone. Sometimes I'd have a crush on a guy for a day or two but then feel nothing at all when I saw him. I slowly gave up on ever having romantic feelings for a guy. Then one day out of the blue I developed a crush on a female friend, and things made sense. I could have seen myself going home with her if she hadn't been straight. Before this experience, I always figured out my sexual orientation by focusing on the "sex" part of it, when in reality a relationship is so much more than that. So the whole time that I had thought I just couldn't develop romantic feelings, it was because I wasn't letting them come from within. I wasn't looking in the right place, and I was forcing myself to frame questions in ways that didn't feel genuine. I had one serious relationship with a guy, and even though I had strong feelings for him I think they were to some extent a misinterpretation of what it means to be in love.
I joined this forum because I have been going through some similar issues. I just ended a 2 year hetero relationship. She was very pretty, great personality. We had sex on a fairly regular basis, but the sex was never great. Whenever I had sex with her, I was thinking about sex with the sort of guy who turns me on. That is a guy in his late 40's or 50's. Usually a very manly man. What is confusing for me is that I don't feel like I want a gay relationship. I don't think about living and having a life with a man. I like the company of women. But when I masterbate, its always a fantasy of a older man making love to me. I have slept with 6 men since college (I am 41 now). It has always been unplanned. Meeting someone when I am out of town or at a bar. I have regularly dated women. With this last breakup however, I am now thinking of trying to actually date a guy. I am scared. To be honest it doesn't feel entirely right. But I know for certain that the sex will be so much better for me than it would be with a girl. I guess I am bisexual, since I find girls attractive. But I really desire a man in the bedroom
Hey Wanderinggirl, and South Talent, thanks for replying! You are totally right about dating, before having sex. It seems tough though, to meet either one of the guys because I am pretty sure they are expecting sex and assume I am down for it. I have talked with them in depth about sexual desire, etc. The good thing I suppose is they both want more than sex, they want intimacy, a relationship, the whole nine. Up until now, this has been a turn off. I have never really felt "intimate/romantic" feelings for a guy but I have obviously had platonic and sexual feelings. I guess I figured friends with benefits is the most I would have with a male. I do have a romantic/intimate history with women, and girls are awesome. I was in a great relationship for two years with a great girl, and it was killing me being with her towards the end because I knew it was not going to work out. That fucking sucked, I wanted it to so bad! But, sex was not on my mind with her. I was less lusty so to say, even though we had good sex. Especially in the beginning. This whole deal is confusing, I think I may be bi as well but sexually I dig older fellas the most.
