Why I hate who I am.

I promise that you're not alone out there. I personally suspect there are more bi or gay guys like than there are "Queens." Don't let walking stereotypes hinder you. Being out and gay isn't about fitting into the little categories that people will put you in, it's about bringing your outward actions in line with your inward nature. Finding guys like you isn't impossible, hell you sound like a catch, with more good qualities rolled into one than you know what to do with.

You've merely been unlucky enough to bump into a lot of the flaming guys, bu they're not the only gays out there. Half of the guys I've been on dates with "pass as straight." The first was manly, hairy, worked in the deep woods, and had a big manly dog and big manly truck. He was also sweet, kind, gentle, and blushed a lot when I made even the littlest moves on him. So don't discount the whole gay side of the fence, you're just tripping over the more colourful characters.

I have a suspicion that there are more gay guys like you, who don't see any need to drape themselves in stereotypes, and who don't understand why they can't find guys like themselves, than anyone understands. I suppose a good question is what type of guys are you attracted to? Are you looking for gay friends? OR a date?

You have a really good point about modern "Gay-friendly" music. It IS exploitation. I suspect that the gay guys who enjoy being exploited in that way are the gay guys who enjoy draping themselves in stereotypes.

Just don't be one of them. The only pressure to dress up as a character comes from people who are already dressing up. Don't worry about them, they're just obtrusive and pervasive.

 

there's a LOT of 'straight acting' gay people out there
the 'visible gay stereotypes' skew perceptions of gay people
you need to know some more ordinary gay people and you will find this to be true
and you will feel more 'normal'

 

I'm probably going to be redundant, the guy right above already said it all, but here we go.

I can understant you about the "flamboyant queens". All gay guys i know are like this...all of them, how would they say, L-O-V-E all these pop "divas". That's one of the reasons tha make me so uncortable with my feelings, and it's one of the reasons of my fear to coming out to anyone. I have fear that people start waiting me to, how we say here in Brazil, "release the chicken", in other words, waiting to see me yell like a little scared girl and dress like a woman.
One of my best friends always say to me that she would love to have a gay friend, so that she start calling one of our friend of "amigay" (an agglutination of the word "amigo" which means friend, and gay). I'm affraid that when she turn out to know about me she would expect me to talk with she about McFly, and other things like these (or maybe she's just kidding... idk)

Well... basically, you are not alone, and can't let those stereotypes define you, you are more than just a sexuality.

 

I have been with around 40 guys in my 41 years and none have been gay, so normal guys do like sex and relationships too. Just the queens are easy to spot and you just don't know who is in the closet. Granate I am a trans-woman who gets viewed as female gender and it makes is easier for me to get hit on by the srtaight/ bi man, but you can find a man to have a date with! As I have heard on here before "every pot has a lid". Look in a different place! June

 

Truth of the matter is, a LOT (if not the majority) of gay guys are going to be like you. They are more masculine, and are "straight-acting." However, because these guys just seem like your everyday male, they aren't as noticeable. So, of course that leaves the more flamboyant gay males as the ones with the spotlight on them diluting the pot. Just try and meet other gay guys through gay bars, online services (Facebook is a surprisingly great source for local gay guys to meet each other), and you'll be great & fit in.

Personally, I am a more masculine gay guy. Like you, I've been called "straight-acting" and I don't have the whiny voice, limp wrist, I absolutely cannot stand fashion or shopping, etc. I just happen to be emotionally and physically attracted to other males. As you know, it's not a choice. The right guy will come around, and you just have to embrace being gay!

 

I feel exactly the same. I don't feel girlish and most of the times I feel people expect things of me I can't do because I am gay (and of course they don't know that) and I get angry with myself that I let them down. It is really nice to know I am not the only one with such problems

 

Hi Jango307:

Stereotypes are a somewhat difficult issue, affecting not only gay but everyone in general. If you belong to a race, religion, gender or hair color, you fit into the stereotype. However, it depends on us to reaffirm or break with them.

How is that accomplished? Very easy, being yourself. Sexuality does not define who you are, but you define your sexuality, and that sexuality is unique and independent of everyone.

I agree with your point of view on the media and the music of today who are responsible for securing and exploiting a certain group of people, however, you don't have to fall into these same.

What I see in your post is that you know who you are, however you get confused based on stereotypes and what people expect of you . But now I wonder, Why try to fit into what they say? or even, why worry about what they think about gay people?. It is best to ignore their comments and continue as you are. Happiness lies in yourself, do not base your happiness on the other people.

Greetings and take care.

 

As someone who simply can't pass for gay on a superficial level, I would like to speak in defense of our more "flamboyant" brethren.

We need to be respectful of them as we are of ourselves, and remember that masculine/feminine dichotomies are constructs, in essence they are catch-all categories that miss the nuances in each of us, whether we pass as "masculine" or "feminine".

Because although I may seem, let's call it non-feminine, since I came out, there have been elements of something new in the way I carry myself, or dance, or dress, a certain "grace", let's call it...just a liberation of sorts as to who and what I am and have repressed for so long.

That also is being yourself, and by being this way I am telling those that don't like it to take a hike.

 

I've always been worried about someone telling me to go shopping with them, or to be their gay best friend. I don't like fashion or sports, I'm a bit masculine and a bit feminine. I did over hear a few boys saying they don't mind gays, as long as they don't act camp. I think the issue is the girls who want a boy with a girls mind, and the boys who want someone be like their gender is thought to be. Gay people should be able to have traits outside of their sexual orientation. People need to learn that all gay means Is liking someone of the same sex, not something they saw on Sex in the City.

 

Somehow, I have been using stereotypes as a reverse facade. Since I am not the so called stereotypical gay. I don't like basketball but I swim and sprint. I am taller than most in my class and have an average deep voice. So no one in my class have a clue that their dear friend fancy guys instead of chicks. And I am still wearing this mask since I couldn't bear the consequences once it falls off.

 

I try not to be focused on masculinity as I get older, but honestly the number of gay guys who fall into the flaming queen stereotype does get tiresome. Don't get me wrong, be who you want to be, and be happy being in your own skin, but it does get irksome to know that by and large "gay culture" and "gay identity" don't much apply to me outside of being a guy that likes other guys. I remember being told numerous times after I came out that I would change and "fall in line" so to speak with the rest of gay society, and lo and behold that hasn't happened because accepting being gay shouldn't change who I am personality wise, and I stand by that.

That being said, I don't let it bother me that the mold is in general so far removed from who I am as a person that I don't really fit in at most gatherings of gay guys. True it's always strange to hear surprise from people when they find out I'm gay, but I don't get annoyed I'm just happy to be my own person. Of course, this might be the reason I've had a lot of guys come out to me in recent years, because the reality is that there are a lot of gay guys who don't identify with the stereotype and it's probably comforting to speak with someone who by and large contradicts that.

Anyway, Jango, don't let it phase you. Be your own person and things will probably work out. Even if you might not fit the mold, how you view yourself is more important than how other people view you.

 

Don't worry, you aren't the only one. I mostly consider myself masculine and happen to like other masculine men. I think there are many gays of all types and personalities. Some just seem to 'stand out' more than others but that's ok. If some girls are superficial enough to only want a gay friend who is just like another one of their girlfriends they will either have to like you for who you are or look elsewhere! Good luck to you.

 

A bit ditto with what you got, only I don't fit the image of a lesbian, I'm make-up and fashion obsessed and have bleach blonde hair.
The truth of the matter is, only people in the community understand this. The rest of the world has to stereotype just to make them selves more comfortable. it's called Revvers's effect. (I do hope I spelt that right.) It's human nature. And it sucks.
Hang in there, my friends that are gay males aren't queens. The closest thing I met to a queen is my trans*male friend, Sean, he still wears make up and nail polish and care about fashion like a straight girl.
You are able.

 

Here's a thought. Since there's nothing wrong with your sexuality, why not embrace that, and instead hate the narrow construction of it in our society?

There's nothing you can do to change your sexuality, and no reason you should want to; on the other hand, there's lots a person can do to improve society and expand its perceptions.

 

My mom once told me "you can't be gay. the gay people i know are really obvious." and i just said "well, only the OBVIOUS ones are obvious... obviously."

(in this case, "obvious" refers to the ones who are media stereotyped as gay.)