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I have strong feelings for a guy..but not a girl.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013.

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  1. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    Hi, my name is Joshua and I think I'm gay

    It started in 7th grade when I was asked by younger and older kids if I was gay.I always told them no, then one day I was just tired of getting asked so I asked a girl out(she is bisexual and her name is amber). At this point we were 3 weeks into school and I only had a hand full or friends. She said yes and gave me her number and we talked for a week then she thought hey lets make out! So I was like ok sure this won't hurt me It will just make less people think I'm gay. So that sunday she gathers some of her friends and I bring 4 people from my homeroom and we go see a movie. Half way through she leans over and kisses me on the cheek and so like I seen in the movies, like an idiot I grab her head and kiss her on the lips. She like it but for me It felt odd and not odd because of how I grabbed her like odd does not feel good or want to do it anymore. That monday at school I ask her if we can be just friends and she says yes their was a girl she really liked so we still kept as friends till the next year in 8th grade. I moved back to my old school and in the last 4 months of school we get a really cool new kid(named Cameron) that every likes, even me, but I had strong feelings for him. So I talk to him a little we become friends and during the summer he went to europe and I never got to talk to him again..until my birthday(october 9th). I had gotten a text from someone so I ask who it was and he says "Cameron." So the next thing I do is ask him if he likes me, and well...it didn't go well. He said no he didn't like me but he was gay and never told any of his friends in 8th grade that I was the first friend to know. I was really bummed, so I told Maddie that I was having feelings, but then the thought went through me head "Should I really care? I'm not gay. I can't be." So the next day my best friend(maddie) who I met in pre-k arranged with my mom to drop me off at the mall and we go shopping. There were quit a few people there, including Cameron. I get to thinking about the day before and wonder if I kiss a girl will it feel pointless? So I ask MY BEST FRIEND to date me. She looks ate me for a moment then says yes so like I did with Amber but not as rough I take her head in my hands lean in and kiss her in front of all my friends. They must of been really shocked. So I grab Maddie's hand and ask "Were are we going first?" and they just start walking. We shop till all our money was gone then they take me out a janitor's door that leads to an employee parking lot and and I see my mom driving up in an avalanche and they all yell happy birthday. I was shocked. After my mom drove Maddie and I and all our stuff to her house we got all her stuff and and I stayed over at her house for the night and she asks me why I asked her to date me then kissed her, so I just started crying and telling her all about my thoughts. She makes a phone call then we go to bed. The next morning I get breakfast in bed at her place, but she was not the one to bring it to me...Cameron was. So I panicked and like a jerk I yelled at him telling him to leave me alone. He leaves and after I finish eating he comes back I say I'm srry and he tells me he just wanted to help me. Turns out Maddie told him about me asking her out. After a little bit of talking I'm feeling so bad about being a jerk to him and I think he see that, he leans in and kisses me....Maddie is at the door and sees it all. It felt. It felt amazing. It was different from when I kissed Amber and Maddie. Does this mean I'm gay? If so how do I find someone? I'm not fit and I dress poorly so how would someone love that, and if I do find someone what would sex be like? I'm soo confused
     
    #1 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2013
  2. penguin machine

    penguin machine
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    Don't worry so much about labelling yourself. First, have some pride that you have organised your thoughts over the years to a point where you see some possible gay trends going through your life. Second, be proud that you had the courage to speak to a crush about your feelings. Don't worry about the girls you've tried to be with, if it hasn't worked it hasn't worked, it's not right to force it. I'm not sure how I feel about Cameron kissing you, it might be irresponsible of him to have done that without considering what it would mean to you.

    The most effective way to find someone is be yourself and keep your eyes open. It'll sound corny but you need to follow your heart. Be open to anything, and pursue what excites you. Don't worry about blocking out girls, you might feel differently about them next year for all you know.

    Coming out isn't about getting fit or changing your wardrobe. It's about bringing your outside life and behaviour more in line with your internal nature. The most important, really, the ONLY person you have to come out to is yourself. It doesn't matter what that coming out looks like, this is about honesty. Your sexuality is built into you so that you can find somebody you're compatible with. It's not about dating everyone, it's about dating the right one.

    You're entering high school or what ever the American equivalent is (I assume) so you have an opportunity to be whoever you want to be. Just make sure that you are being honest about what you want. Being gay isn't about dressing yourself up in stereotypes. It's about accepting what your nature tells you about attraction, and romance.

    You're doing really well, just by being here. It's the first steps on a road that is extremely rewarding. Stay positive and keep being honest with yourself. We're all here to listen and share :slight_smile:
     
    #2 penguin machine, Oct 11, 2013
  3. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    I just talked to Cameron a few minutes ago. I didn't want to bring up the kiss so I just chatted about how his day went until he brought it up. He said he thought it would make me feel better so I told him it did but it also left me hurt and confused. I was hurt because it felt like a pity kiss and not like something he really wanted to do, and confused because that's when I felt like I liked guys or at least him.
     
    #3 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
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  4. penguin machine

    penguin machine
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    Maybe it wasn't a pity kiss, but a gift, to show you something you hadn't really experienced before. Maybe it was just a push in the right direction. There doesn't have to necessarily be pity for someone to share something with you. He understands your situation in a way that your other friends might not, I'll bet he was just hoping to give you a taste of something you seemed unsure about. What if you'd hated it? He couldn't have known beforehand. Cherish that small gift and cherish your reaction. I think it pointed you in the right direction :slight_smile:
     
    #4 penguin machine, Oct 11, 2013
  5. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    I can feel you. I never felt the need to get a girlfriend (In recent weeks I've been feeling more pressure), but I never wanted to get fit because I never had a motivation a boyfriend might provide. The possibility of getting a boyfriend (No matter how minimal) have brought up confidence issues I've never had to deal with before, because it's always been purely theoretical.

    Good luck, I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have you :grin:
     
    #5 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  6. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    No matter what he knows I like him, and I get that he didn't want to hurt me but he did. It feels bad when for even just a moment you think someone likes you and the next you realize they don't like you like you like them. I just wish someone would come faster, It's bad enough I've been alone for 2 years and when I find out what I'm into their is no one for me. :frowning2:
     
    #6 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  7. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    I'd be willing :icon_redf I don't mind if you don't want to, just thought I'd put it out there.
     
    #7 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  8. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    How would this work? You live their and I live here. Different sides of the pond, but we can still be friends. I REALLY appreciate the offer. I can pm you some info if you want.:eusa_danc
     
    #8 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  9. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    It was worth a try. I knew it might be an issue, but if you never jump, you may never fly :icon_bigg (*hug*)

    I don't think we can PM until we become full members, which is annoying : /
     
    #9 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  10. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    Yea and we can't post personal info any place public :frowning2:
     
    #10 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  11. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    You have to wait two weeks until you can apply : / Could be worse.
     
    #11 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  12. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    Bummer
     
    #12 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  13. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    Yeah : /
     
    #13 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  14. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    It's 2:34pm for me Im going to grab some sleep. Hope we can talk more. :slight_smile:
     
    #14 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  15. WiliamRoberts

    WiliamRoberts
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    Okay :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 11:45 AM ----------

    It's only 8pm here :slight_smile:
     
    #15 WiliamRoberts, Oct 11, 2013
  16. MinusK

    MinusK
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    Unfortunately, you don't know the answer until it's obvious, but for you, if you did like it, well then it's obvious. If you're still doubting your sexuality, then maybe thin it out a bit, wait for some time to ponder and contemplate. Some people get it easy and some people get it rough. Me personally I had known basically ever since I thought about it, sadly there are no gay guys that I know personally so I'm stuck being alone :c
    I know it's difficult in this kind of environment to be like this, trust me I go to a catholic school for boys and it really isn't helping, especially since I'm not catholic and just the word "gay" is used as a slur, but just be cool about it.
    What I'm saying is, don't rush in and label yourself, but it's likely from what you said that you are gay, so don't supress it, from what I've heard that can only make it worse.

    Also, if you're confused about it, you've come to the right place. There are a lot of experienced people who will be happy to help respond to whatever you need help with, whether it's public or private.
     
    #16 MinusK, Oct 11, 2013
  17. UG Scorpio

    UG Scorpio
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    drakkarlucifer you seem a great guy and any man is lucky to have you
     
    #17 UG Scorpio, Oct 11, 2013
  18. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    Thanks, name is Joshua but feel free to call me what you like :slight_smile:
     
    #18 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
  19. UG Scorpio

    UG Scorpio
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    hi Joshua my name is Will Smith (Not Joking)
     
    #19 UG Scorpio, Oct 11, 2013
  20. drakkarlucifer

    drakkarlucifer
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    Awesome now I can say I met both Will Smith's!
     
    #20 drakkarlucifer, Oct 11, 2013
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