So so so lost... needing guidance

I'm sorry my brain goes to mush when I start to really think about this whole sexuality thing so my thread is basically going to be me struggling to pull paragraphs together which each contain a point about what makes me confused. I'm so confused I don't know how to express my confusion.

I'm a 19 year old female student living in England by the way, and I'd really appreciate someone sticking through all this massive amount of writing to give me some sort of advice, or a way of personal messaging or something......

When I was a kid my older brother and I didn't get on, and he used to say the generic things you'd say to bully a younger sibling, including saying I was adopted and that I was a lesbian. I was never phased by him saying things like this apart from the lesbian thing, and baring in mind I can't have been more than like seven or eight at the time, if not younger, the fact that this made me so awkward (not that I ever let this on) before I'd even really come across gay people makes me think that maybe I'm one of those "I think I've always known..." cases just waiting to happen. I can still vividly remember those feelings of internal horror and guilt (as if I'd been caught red handed).

I've also always had a fascination with tv series/films that contain gay characters. I've seen both the UK and American Queer As Folk about a billion times plus anything else with a prominent gay/lesbian character (most recently Orange Is The New Black, although that is actually an incredible show regardless. I digress). Everytime a soap (Eastenders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks) had a gay or lesbian storyline I'd become obsessed. I even reached the point where I'd watch these shows in secret so that no one would spot the pattern. I think my fascination/obsession genuinely stems from something other than a weird liking of LGBT storylines, although on the other hand I remember reading an article about how the majority of QAF viewers were young straight women.

That started reasonably early in life (I remember the first time was John Paul and Craig on Hollyoaks in 2007, so I can't have been more than 13). Now that I'm older and more sexually aware and have more attraction to those around me, I'm getting reaaaally confused. I'm the first of my friends to point out how hot a girl is, or how much I'm obsessed with my girl crushes (Jenna Marbles, Billie Piper, Robin from HIMYM, plus others...) and thats never been a thing, and part of me thinks that it's me trying to hide in plain sight. I'm fully aware of the normal nature of girls having crushes on other girls, because, to quote Jenna Marbles 'they are majestical f--cking creatures!', but I seem to feel this way more than anyone else I know. And I think I'm being sincere when I think a girl is hot much more than my friends are, because I genuinely mean it.

I've never had a proper boyfriend (I had ones when I was much younger... dumping people over email and all that crap...!) but I have had sex, though never with anyone serious or with the same person more than a handful of times. To be honest, I don't enjoy it. Even when I kiss a guy I feel awkward. The main thing that's going around my head is 'What am I supposed to do with my hands?' And the sex? Part of me thinks that it's this whole 'sex for girls isn't particularly pleasurable for the first however many times' thing, and that I haven't crossed that barrier yet. That's also often the reason I keep having sex with people who I'm not in a relationship with, as an attempt to pass that barrier. Also, I often blame the lack of sparks, fireworks, however you want to describe them, on that. Or maybe I just don't find it pleasurable full stop. But then on the other hand, I've never slept with someone I care loads about, like if I had a boyfriend it would all be different because those feelings would add to it. But shouldn't there be something there anyway? What about plain old physical feelings, why are they missing too?

Okay, so here's where my confusion really arises, because I guess what I've written so far might suggest that there is a high chance I could be a lesbian. But here's the flipside, which makes me think either that maybe I've wondered so long about this that I've started to believe it myself (stemming from my brother when I was younger), or that I genuinely want to be a lesbian, but I'm not. (Bear with me here, I don't mean to be one of those straight girls just experimenting, or doing it to be exciting and interesting. I can 100% promise that. But that's the only way I can think of to phrase that.)

If we were to split my confusion into columns, the following would probably come under the 'Straight' category.

I have had feelings for guys. I'm really not very good at being friends with guys without developing at least a bit of a crush on them. I'm working on that because that's not a practical trait for anybody involved. Most notably would be one of my best friends, who around this time last year I genuinely fell for, harder than I've fallen for anyone. I used to want to spend all my waking time with him if he could, until I think he started to notice and started to pull away from me, until one day in January he pulled me aside and said 'I only see you as a friend'. I was mortified, and denied ever having feelings for him. Things then got a bit weird because we started to question if we ever were really close in the first place (its a long story, and not hugely relevant), but my heart was still secretly breaking a little bit inside. I haven't told anyone about my feelings for him, and especially never to him, and part of that is my chronic fear of liking someone who doesn't like me, stemming from my insecurities that have come about from having acne for years until only a year and a half or so ago. But then I look, honestly and objectively, at those feelings that I had for him and I actually think I just yearned for his friendship. I was, for lack of a better phrase, in love with him, but I never imagined us having sex or anything, (apart from one dream): I just wanted him to care about me and consider me to be one of his closest friends, to be able to confide in me the way I always wanted to in him. I remember once, I was with my best friend, a girl, (we formed a very strong three for about five months last Autumn) and we were skyping this guy, who said he felt like we were the sisters he'd never had. I think I was in love with that feeling. But then maybe I was actually genuinely just in love with him, plain and simple.

To lead on from that, I have never had feelings for a girl, ever. I've been incredibly, achingly attracted to them but I've never had a friend who I wanted to be more. I do remember when I was about 14 mucking around with my best friend of the time, a girl of the same age, and us kind of 'playing'. Nothing too sexual, with no kissing or anything, but I do remember really liking the feeling of when her calf was in between my legs, and trying to move up and down against it. But the fact that I've never had personal feelings for any girl/woman around me kind of suggests that maybe this is just a sexual thing. When I saw that guy I was talking about earlier, my heart would genuinely flutter the way they do it in the movies. But never with a girl. I always notice a good looking girl on the street, or on the bus, (rarely with guys, though...!) and when I watch films I'm normally looking at the girl, even if I think the guy is attractive (Bend It Like Beckham is the best example: even though I think Jonathan Rhys Meyers is really hot and sexy, its Keira Knightley I'm looking at throughout the whole thing). It's as if I want a relationship with a man and sex with a woman.

Finally, and this is quite embarrassing, but I do look up... adult things on the internet. It started off when I was about 16 and I was curious about my sexuality, and now, well yeah...! I find lesbian incredibly sexy, and I've even dabbled in gay men videos - they aren't half bad! Straight ones are just downright terrible. I've done some research on this and it seems that it isn't unusual for straight women to find this, as with lesbians it shows much more about the woman's pleasure (obviously!) whereas straight is just designed for the man, both in the video and for the viewer at home. Therefore that isn't weird. But I find that coupled with everything else I've said it does show something...

I'm coming to the end now. Sorry about all that. This is the first time I've written any of these feelings down, let alone said them out loud. Maybe I'm bisexual. But I don't really want to be, partly because I feel that as an outcome that would not satisfy me. I need to know who I am in some concrete way to end all this confusion. Part of me feels that all the "Am I a lesbian" stuff is me obsessing over something and getting too much in my head about it (sort of like when someone confronts you over something, and you have to second guess yourself even though you know your innocent... happens to me all the time!), and to be honest another part of me doesn't want people to think that I just want to be edgy or alternative, or that I'm afraid of coming out as a total lesbian and am only using being bi as a buffer. I know I shouldn't care what other people think but if I did work out I was bisexual I would really really want to know that for absolute definite before I told anyone.

I think I am in a rush to work out who I am, and I know thats neither wise nor likely to happen. But this confusion is driving me insane. I wouldn't be upset if I realised I was gay... my family certainly wouldn't mind; in fact, to bring this a bit full circle, in the summer my brother asked me (now one of my best friends in the world) if I was a lesbian. I said no, though not without some internal panicking. We were both drunk, and the conversation quickly moved on. He clearly forgot he did the next morning as a few days later he asked again. See previous for my response. It does make me wonder if I give out lesbian vibes, and thus in some regards mean that I am one even if I don't know it for sure yet myself. Or maybe thats just a really stupid thing to say. When I later told a friend that he asked me this, I was telling her to prove to myself that it was merely a laughing matter, though in doing so I experienced the same feelings of anxiety as when I was asked the question in the first place. Having said that my family (my brother included) wouldn't care in the slightest about my sexuality, what I would be worried about (I know, I haven't even worked it out yet... I have to learn to crawl before I can run!) is my friends' reactions. Even though none of them would mind, I couldn't help but feel that they would feel awkward around me as girls. God, I really am getting ahead of myself. As I said way way way back in the first paragraph, my brain is mush.

What I really need to do is meet a girl I really like. Kiss her. And see if I feel these sparks that are missing from my below average straight sex life. That's really the only way to judge it. But how do I go about doing that? No ones going to flirt with me if I'm openly straight, and even if I went to a lesbian bar, would I go alone? I sure as hell wouldn't bring a friend... and what's more is I'm quite feminine, and basically come off as straight so I wouldn't expect a girl in a lesbian bar to start hitting on me.

I don't know. I have so much more to say but I'll stop now. Please, please, if you made it to the end, please leave me a comment or send me a message. I don't know how to use this site as I only joined today but I'd really really love to talk to someone properly about it. God, I've written so much I should start a blog.

 

@feelinglostx thank you so much for your reply, its nice to know that someone gets how i feel. I do have some friends who I could confide in, but I feel like saying any of this outloud will put me firmly into the 'lesbian' category and I want to find myself before I tell anyone. But it's chicken and the egg because I'm not going to do that without talking to someone am I.... gahhh I just wish my head could get organised and work this shit out!